Quieting those negative thoughts..

It’s 2:30 am and I haven’t been to bed yet..I was filled with anxiety the past 2 days from watching Irma coverage and worrying about Rick and his family..which I’m exhausted from..and trying to help my mom with out raising my voice to her..her hearing isn’t so great these days..I know sometimes I slur my words ..or maybe don’t speak loud enough..and my lovely brother..insert eye roll..is home all week on vacation..yippee..and I’ve been trying to help myself with different side effects..one lovely one is hiccups..who knew..and with trouble breathing and me holding my breath to get rid of it was challenging..and my brain is reminding me of every Dirty look..mean thing or act people said or did…I’m not deeply depressed since I’m on meds..but the situation is tough..honestly some times I am afraid to go to sleep with the fear of not waking up..

And my Facebook and online casino addiction doesn’t help..on Facebook everyone is wrapped up in themselves..and I have so much anger and jealousy in me..when I see people taking vacations..with friends..family..

My mom..from the moment she comes downstairs in the morning until late at night will complain to me about her health..yes most would say take her to a dr..and in an emergency yes..I’m not stupid..but she has side effects from a fricken blood pressure pill she was on..so all day long I have to hear how she feels..mean while I’m trying to not dry heave or throw up..and she is use to me waiting on her in the morning..unless I feel totally crappy she’s on her own..and my brother is dead to the world until late morning if he’s off or goes in late..not a morning person..I am..and I’m not a night owl..if I’m up it’s because I slept earlier,..afraid to sleep ..and stay up until I can’t keep my eyes open..

Lately ..my mind goes to a crappy place,,and I don’t have anyone to talk to.,I gave up on fucking counselors..I would like to say it’s just me ..but I don’t think so..no one cares anymore..even when dealing with cancer..and some days I want to go out a bit..and others I want to avoid everyone..and my brother is like the invisible man..he looks for the dog outside my door..or knows if I’m downstairs and uses the upstairs bathroom..and if I’m downstairs with mom watching tv on the new tv which I rarely do because he’s always there..looking fricken 10 yrs old,..I came in from walking Nelson briefly and he’s sitting on the arm of the love seat near my mom..and I look in the room and stick my tongue out at him while I mutter coward..shithead..retard..sorry don’t mean to offend anyone.,..

Rick calls me when his world is falling apart,,and I use whatever energy I can spare to talk to him..as he says his mom wants to live with her sister in PA..his mom is 85..and was bullied to move to Florida..and Rick moved with her and his kid is there too..why tell me..if I wanted to be an asshole I could say..see..see..told ya so..I suggested they stay in Jersey..get a townhouse or move to PA..the warmer weather doesn’t seem to be enough for her..mean while I’m gasping for breath and coughing my head off..who knows what that is..

Sigh..I have no extra money because I gave up pet sitting cuz my mom bitched about using the car..she freaks if I leave when asshole is at work..this is why I get annoyed..of course he’s not gonna say mom..Susan is with you all the time..why should she live by my stupid work schedule..never happen..but lately I am in bed or watching tv..and too tired to go out when he comes home..so I stay upstairs which he likes..he use to give me this wimpy hi if I was sitting in the kitchen or look at me with a fake grin which I want to smack off..

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize me..this is one of my ways of therapy..writing..and or calling a psychic once in awhile…it just makes me sad..because I feel like I’m deteriorating..I have some good days..and people still bug the shit out of me..and one day I’m just gonna go off at every person who is rude..looks away..laughs..just tired of fighting for this life all these years..I’m exhausted..I’m scared of dying..and worry that that’s it..and God and the angels were all bullshit..because so often I want to scream and say what the fuck did I do..other than be born..or maybe I’m a typical writer or artist..they are all odd..usually a recluse..

My best friend is a cocker Spaniel..he wasn’t wanted either..I keep telling myself what the Facebook posts say about not worrying about other people but we do..everyone wants to be liked..loved..told that they matter..but I read people too well and had so much crap in my life,.i was with my mom food shopping years ago and this dorky looking guy was speaking to another cashier as mom stands there..he says to the worker..oh I can’t look at her..I know he meant my mom..but lucky for her her sight and hearing are going and she’s in her own world half the time..and when I open my mouth theses days I hear my dad’s voice..people weren’t nice to him either..kids in the neighborhood would make fun of him..so growing up I wished I had different parents and then I’d be different..but as we all got older and I visited my dad at the nursing home 14 yrs ago and found my dad sitting on a red mat with a diaper on..are you fucken kidding me..this man who I was scared of..can’t walk ..talk or eat..and he’s on the floor..and saw me and tried to talk.. to this day I wanted to smack someone..again I heard my dad’s yelling coming out of my mouth..but when he was right to get mad he was right..I went to the nurses station fuming..I forget who ordered them to help him up..may have been me..now my mom is aging and she’s the child and I have to play adult..good thing I take meds because my brain is mush and I’m a mouse..otherwise..

my brother tries..but I hear them sometimes it’s very child like..well him..

Ok I know I wrote about some of this before..but when I don’t feel well I think of death ..afterlife,.and a funny post that a guy on Facebook posted before he died..it said ..when I die I’m haunting all of you..fuck yeah..well the ones that treated me like shit..


Some thoughts swirling thru my mind..

I love this quote by Maya Angelou..so true..I use to value others opinions over mine a good part of my life..when I just had a chemical imbalance and social anxiety..so my brain wouldn’t work properly and I would lean on others to help me..thinking they had my best interest..most of the time they didn’t..and I learned the hard way..especially with living with depression..anxiety..nothing changes unless you change it..so for me it was medication..

Unfortunately the above quote hits home because I had to once again unfriend and block someone..I’m no angel or saint..but when my mind is working properly..I really do try to be a good person..I just joke and say..” I’m just trying to get into heaven..Ya know in case things don’t go as planned..”

I find it interesting..that I’m realizing who is healthy for me to communicate with and who just zaps my precious energy..so I decided to pull away from 2 people in particular..who have both been been sucking the life out of me for years..probably because I let them..

Everyone’s got a story..

In my daily practice of reading..learning about others and myself..healing myself..although we are all in motion even if it doesn’t seem that way..I find myself on the Internet a lot , but reading and watching inspirational stories..today I watched several about animals in desperate situations and kind souls helped..and to me that’s inspiration to keep plugging along..One of the cats had a brain injury ..and his now owners saw him laying at rescue place and he did his best to hop and wobble over to them.,..this cat could just lay there , but knew if I go to this person I will be cared for..Maybe we all have that inner knowing inside of us..

Then there was the bearded lady story..where this girl had a hormonal problem..and had to wax her face..and she was still teased terribly and depressed..she decided to accept herself as is..so she grew out her lady beard as she calls it..she says she still gets teased..and gets depressed..but she has learned to accept herself..and I guess that’s where my biggest struggle has been…self acceptance..leaning to accept yourself where ever you are in life..for me I have my hair back..is it perfect..of course not..but I always had the love hate thing with my hair..face.,..maybe if I start loving and accepting myself as is..regardless if my body is over heated from different temperatures,.and I’m fighting to look presentable..and not a mess..I’m at the point ,.whatever I need to do to get out the door..which I don’t do a lot of these days..and regardless of what’s going on outside of me..I can control me ..I can’t control other people..and whether they like me..are nice..or whatever,.no one can..

I spent most of my life hanging out with people who were nice to me even sometimes not so nice to not be alone..and be with men that liked me ..and I was ok  with it..and the ones I really liked well it didn’t last long or was a fling..I’m learning being alone isn’t always a bad thing..I live with family but spend a lot of time in my room with the door open.,reading.,on the Internet..writing these days..and if I want to be with family they are there..or just hang with my dog..but right now it’s nice I can choose..it may not happen tomorrow..but when the day comes..where I no longer have a choice about getting out of bed when I please..and needing someone to assist me..although even in those times as long as your mind is still functional ..then there’s always hope..

AHH..information OVERLOAD!!!!

So..as usual I scroll thru Facebook and do research on Google..this time it was about a video on Facebook showing worms in the same dog food I feed my dog..so this morning I open up the pieces and find no bugs..I would like to either add more healthy items to his food or replace it since I know it’s not the best quality..I do give him fruits and vegetables when I eat them..

So ..I got myself so overwhelmed with all the info..I scooped out some dry food for Nelson and put the thought of changing his food aside for now..just too much for me to handle..and worry about changing..Just like I think..Hmm I’d like to make my own shampoo..soap..I probably should take one idea and work on it..instead of too many and end up doing nothing..

So..I gave myself a break..decided to write instead..I shared a quote from Rick..the man I lived with for 4 yrs and were together about 8 in total..Mind you he was doped up on a large dose of Ativan for sleep..which he needs to watch..just because a doctor prescribes it doesn’t always make it safe..so he calls me and sounded a bit drunk but he said he took an ativan..we were talking awhile..and he said..”I know you aren’t going to die anytime soo ..wanna know how I know..because when I close my eyes ..I can’t imagine a world without you in it”..now he didn’t intend this to be romantic..but it touched me regardless..even though he added that he has felt others not being here longer..which I guess is up to God..I just don’t know..why some survive and some don’t.

So..as I sit here..watching Nelson..looking at me..hearing my mom doing stuff in the other room…while I sit at the kitchen table looking at the African Violet ..I gave my mom for her birthday..

When you feel like you are climbing up hill…

I’ve been having a rough time on Navelbine..and this is my first week..I cancelled my chemo for today..and may have to tell my oncologist I want to stop..this is where it gets frustrating for the Cancer patient..I could try to stick this one out but the stomach cramps are just too much for me..and unfortunately..each medication has side effects..and they keep trying different ones as long as you can tolerate it or as long as it works..I see why patients get frustrated..and want to quit..I want to quit..not so much on life..but treatment..and as my body gets weaker..I wonder how much more I could handle until it shuts down..

Now usually by now most Cancer patients will try the natural route if they can raise funds or have the money..and sometimes they make a miraculous come back and sometimes they don’t..

So it makes me think…where is God? I was watching a documentary about tornados and they asked that question when people lost their lives..and it makes me question..because I doubt a lot..and think well this is just my fate..and every now and then I start swinging again holding onto hope..and I am always looking for advice..some have said..visualize the treatments healing you..kinda tough to do when you are in pain..and if I only ate an alkaline diet..and cut out the junk..no sugar..

So the doctor’s office just called..he’s willing to reduce the chemo by 50%..sigh..not looking forward to feeling crappy again..

Writing therapy..

Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract yourself..do things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix myself..prayer..food..the right person..to me writing can be lethargic..you are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the bad..it’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written yesterday..it’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal cancer..so I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional support..mom tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s it..in the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my dog..do things that make me happy..realize we can choose our thoughts..now this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

What is normal?

Something I have never been..I have lived my entire life trying to fit in..trying to be loved..trying to survive some how ..Now I am living with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer..Although I live with my mom and brother,,..I still feel very alone..it’s an odd place to be..alive while your body is dying..says the doctors,,..I have read and read..and talked to many on the phone.,facebook..email..I take antidepressants..I try to eat something healthy daily..I pray daily ..

I don’t know how I am suppose to act.,think..be..Yes it’s almost 4 yrs living with stage 4 and 5 yrs in November from original diagnosis..I have spoken to counsellors..doctors..many people..yes no one else knows exactly how you feel..I just feel dismissed like I always have..people unfriend me and even block..Geez like I message that many people on my facebook page..I only have it as a way to connect with people..2 took the time  to private message me to see how I was feeling after my procedure..When the chaplain lady came in to talk to me..she had no clue why I was in the hospital..and after a few minutes I bursted out crying..she tried to be kind and said the same story..go to support group.,a church..volunteer..all good ideas..I haven’t tried volunteering yet…

So even with Cancer I still feel very alone..and this is terrible to say but I get a bit envious of people with people in their life..people who support them..women with husbands..yes many have kids to care for..I can barely care for me some days..and people don’t continue to feel sorry for me..actually they get angry..and say others have it worse then me ..

So this morning I came downstairs with my dog..cleaned up the cat vomit from cat..before the dog ate it..cleaned the yard..of dog poop while Nelson was outside..got the newspaper..and snapped at my poor mother who was just talking to me ..I took my pill..went to my room..shut the door.,and cried my eyes out.,a loud whaling cry like a wounded animal..but it’s never enough..it’s like I need to keep crying.,for me it’s good when I can cry..when I am deeply depressed I can’t even cry..I cry because I constantly fight to stay here..but too much of a coward to end my life and have my poor mom find me..I’m just tired..yes maybe this isn’t healthy to type out all these thoughts.,who knows..I’m tired of talking about it to others,,and the one response I hear from quite a few Cancer patients are..no one cares,,..I mean I’m sure their people care to an extent..and I get how it’s depressing..so as a Cancer patient it’s more exhausting trying to put on a face..and suck it up..

I am sure having the liver biopsy triggered more sadness..and the pain from it..and talking with the new doctor who wants to do the chemoembolization..who has the personality of a fish..and I’m no one to him..and all these thoughts make me want to run away..but I have no where to run to..I wish I had friends who I could stay with to get a way..and get a break from treatment..yes I try to be grateful..yes it could be worse..I could be homeless..with no one..I’m just angry..

There are books out about loving yourself more and it causes disease..perhaps..and if I only loved myself more I could heal my Cancer..or if I didn’t eat sugar..

Yesterday I was very angry..in pain physically and angry..and Rick messages me about the news he heard on his job about my brother’s work..and proceeded to message me..and call..not to see how I am but because of the info he had..so I finally responded and said I told my brother..my brother didn’t seem worried.,than I cursed Rick out thru text..still hurt that he couldn’t support me..that he moved to Florida  with his mom..yes it was stressful..but he did it to make her happy..and so he wouldn’t be homeless..and I am forced to live with my mom and brother..I am sure my brother feels the same..although he has helped financially..emotionally he just can’t..so he is happily living his little life..not trying to comfort me or anything..just two different worlds..

So I try to be positive..like people say..I’m just getting tired of fighting..mean while as I type this my brother and mom are discussing the new flat screen tv he finally hooked up after 3 months..Yes I’m bitter..I have $3 in the bank..feel pretty worthless..