Archive | September 2014

Pushing thru..


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Pushing thru the muddle feelings..Ok so it is no surprise to me, cancer is no picnic..I was able to skip the surgery for now..Now I can’t do surgery..The doctor is trying different meds..Oy vey..the side effects are ROUGH..I am not sure which is worse..the emotional crap walking around with cancer in your body..or trudging thru the day from the side effects of medication trying to block the estrogen feeding the cancer.,I tried sticking it out with this new medication..but I am sorry..I just couldn’t do it..The doctors’s office said I could stop it for a few days until I can speak with my doctor on Monday..

Unfortunately..I still feel like crap..all different times of the day..sometimes in the morning..yesterday it was later in the day..I just felt so weepy and blah..Today..I woke up feeling confused again and forced myself to get some laundry going..Normally..I don’t drink coffee in the morning,,unless it is really cold out..or I am really tired and need to be able to focus.,Coffee tends to make me jittery..I am trying to keep myself busy by washing dishes..taking the dog out..cleaning up after him,,taking the trash out..cleaning liter boxes..going up and down the steps to do laundry.,I am hoping my mind will follow..

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Fortunately..I do have these guys to help me thru..

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Be perfectly imperfect ..Be you..


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So it is no secret..I have cancer…I didn’t do surgery or radiate it or poison it out of me,..and yes I still have cancer..But I did learn that if I did cut it out it would have spread..And so far the oncologist is helping me keep it at bay.

I also found prayer helps me a lot..I am a firm believer in God and the angels.,So I pray any where and every where…I pray silently and out loud..I pray in my car while driving..while walking dogs.,while scooping litter boxes..

The past few days have been very rough for me..I take medications to block the estrogen feeding my cancer..The latest medication made me feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin, made me anxious, sick to my stomach..I couldn’t focus or concentrate and felt confused..So I contacted the oncology emergency line to get permission to stop..I was told to stop it for a few days if I would like..And call my doctor on Monday..So I will do this .,and I do feel some what better…

So yesterday I was praying praying praying..I prayed for God to use me in a positive way..I have always wondered my purpose..I know it is more than to be made fun of or be a joke..I have worked with animals and loved animals all my life..They were my companions and still are..They love unconditionally..regardless of how I look..fat..thin..good hair day..bad hair day..good mood day..bad mood day..that maybe caused by medications..

I also learn to listen..What I mean by to listen ..is to listen to that small voice.,almost like ours..like a whisper or thought..What I heard yesterday was..”Be who you are..be you”. And I heard..”Be perfectly imperfect” You see..I was struggling with my thoughts yesterday..I didn’t take the medication for my cancer..and I was very tired..But I had some pet sitting to do..So I had to push myself..push thru the sluggishness..push thru the negative thoughts..I prayed for God to use me in a positive way..

I had 6 visits yesterday..Most were dog walks..and summer is still hanging on.,and I just can’t tolerate the heat..For one since I am the heaviest I have been and two I have never been a hot weather fan..But I pushed thru..I was heading to my last cat sitting job and chatting with my friend on the phone..My last job was out in the country..in the woods..My eyes were tired..it was about 4p..There was a car behind me on this country road..I thought it was a deer in the road..As I got closer..I saw it was a dog..Right in the middle of the road..Just standing there.,So I had my phone plugged into the cigarette lighter..on the passenger seat on speaker..and I said to my friend..there’s a dog..I am thinking should I just drive by..Let someone else get it.,Let it get hit..So I threw on my hazards..jumped out of the car ..put it in park..I said” come here doggie”..He sorta came towards me slowly..mind you ..this looked like a pit bull..They don’t have the best reputation…But I took a chance..Mind you ..I did this all quickly..Opened up the back door..got him in the car..the lady behind me waited..and I pulled into the first driveway I could find..

Now what..I can go neighbor to neighbor..So I saw he did have a dog license,,I jotted down the number..No other tags..and I was taking a chance..I could have gotten bit.,but he was so mellow..So I called 411 to get the number for the local township..of course Hopewell is in several counties and twice they gave me the wrong county..I looked up on my phone for the municipal buildings and found the number..but it was late in the day..No answer..I thought to ask the people at the farm store ..but I wasn’t sure if they were open,,so I turned around,,still sitting in their driveway..One car passed me in the driveway.,giving me a dirty look and honking the horn,,I was on a mission..Plus I couldn’t take this dog home..So I thought..Police station.,24 hours and they could look up the license..So back to calling 411 to find the owner.,This time I did get the right county and police station..The dispatcher was very helpful..the dog is a pit bull mix..named Bear..He gave me the address…I asked for a phone number , but it wasn’t in service..These houses weren’t marked well at all ..neither were the mail boxes..

So I am driving up and down in a small area..3-4 houses..looking for 85.. I knocked on 3 houses..no one was home..it was about 4:30p on a Friday..There was a realty sign in front of the one house and the house across the street had a dog tie out..wrapped around the tree with a dog feeder full of food..but that house was 86..not 85 like the dispatcher gave me..So I sat in the driveway with the realtor sign..got out of my car.,jotted down that number.,And called Allison..She was also very helpful..She told me the owner lived with her son in another town.,and the dog belonged to the daughter in law across the street..l asked for a number and was able to get the owner of 85 on the phone,,Geez I am stubborn,,They didn’t answer the first time.,so I called back and just started talking into the machine ..voice mail..l was hoping either a pick up or call back..Then I hear..”Hello..hang on a minute..” Virginia.,the older home owner picks up..It was her step granddaughter’s dog..I was able to get her number and the neighbors..Apparently the daughter in law travels..So once again I make more calls..to the neighbor,,,the granddaughter..Finally I see a mini van drop off a kid..I assumed this was Heather..So I cross over into their driveway..”Are you Heather..she said “What” .”Are you Heather”…””Yes”.. “well..I have your dog” ..She opens the back door and talks to Bear..Bear didn’t want to go with her..I asked her if she needed help..She said no and thanks me..

Was this the good deed I was seeking..To be used for good.,? Perhaps..Would God use a dog..? Sure..I have been a pet sitter for 20 yrs..gee ..something I could help with..I have been up and down this road many times in the past week..never seen this dog..but I was told he gets away often..I guess I was in the right place at the right time..

Be you..be who you are..Perfectly imperfect..

Early morning thoughts and fears..


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Good early morning..I have written before about my struggles.I have been on .Exemestane for 2 weeks now..it is the generic for Aromasin ..I seem to feel worse in the morning for several hours usually before I take it and a few hours after I take it..at first I realized I wasn’t taking it with food..and it said to do this on the bottle..otherwise I felt very sick to my stomach..and still do..then thru out the morning I would feel depressed..sweating( and it hasn’t been that warm out) lost of appetite but that part is good…since I have gained quite a bit of weight since 2 yrs ago..currently at this moment I feel ok..I guess I am wondering if I should stick this out? See if the pill does its job..or if I should call the doctor and call it quits and find something else? The doctor did say it is similar to tamoxifen..with that one I think I was just weepy..and I am like that with this one..in the morning mainly..then I seem to feel better as the day goes on..yesterday I had a pretty rough time..and I was out in my car..I was out pet sitting and it was very difficult..the terrible thoughts I was having..and I already have self esteem issues..and trouble with my appearance,,then throw is side effects from a pill..and a HER2+ Stage 4 diagnosis..and then you kinda understand people like Robin Williams..who turned out to have early Parkinson’s and the meds he was on caused depression,,I get it because yesterday especially I felt this way..currently at this moment I feel ok..but now I am getting paranoid and dreading taking this tiny pill..my mind gets confused.land I worry I will lock my keys in the car..or get locked out of someone’s house..I guess I am hoping that I become more tolerable of the side effects..I know you ladies may understand..the onco doc has switched me several times..originally on tamoxifen generic..then femera generic..now aromasin generic..with my regular Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks..and the Lupron injection every 4 months..the nurse reassures me that he has me in menopause..so the weight gain etc is all normal..and I read the current pill is for post menopausal women..but he told me he wanted me in menopause..so I am in a chemical one..I am 45..and would like to live awhile longer..I just hope I can tolerate the side effects more..it’s been tough getting myself out the door in the mornings..I guess it’s good I have had places to go and good I don’t have to deal with people on a regular basis..other than people I live with..and I sit on the phone with my mother for an hour or so each day..more than ever..I guess typing out my thoughts help,,I have been blogging quite a bit..today I decided to share my thoughts in here again..so I apologize for the rambling message..

Stronger than you think..


I was talking to another breast cancer survivor last night..She called me brave..I guess because I chose to not have surgery and when I thought I was ready to do it..I couldn’t, since the cancer spread some..She also said I wrote beautifully..I was touched by her comments and also sympathetic to her pain..Even though I didn’t have surgery or am in constant pain..my troubles are more emotional..Although most of my life I was insecure..had self esteem problems..people didn’t accept me..I try to not worry about pleasing others and pleasing myself..I don’t go out of my way to hurt people, like people have done to me..My boyfriend used to call me thin skinned..I guess I am and what is wrong with that..we can’t all have a hard shell..I have had people laugh in my face.,call me terrible names..The other day I went into a local liquor store to pick up some beer and wine.,I was looking for a certain wine and I asked the guy running the place and he tried looking for it..The bottle had a cat figure on the label and he found a wine with a dog..I mentioned about a winery in my home town that he wasn’t aware of..I said I was from there and he raised his voice and pointed to get back on the other side of 130..I think I looked at him in shock..I should have asked for my money back..I suppose he was joking and yes I tend to be sensitive, especially with all the hormonal blocking meds I am on..

In the past almost 2 yrs since my original diagnosis, I have been forced to be around people on a more regular basis..Being poked and prodded with many mammograms..ultra sounds..cat scans..pet scans..Herceptin infusions..injections..echocardiograms..pills that put me into menopause at 45 and cause me to cry at the drop of a hat..Although I don’t miss buying tampons or pads..I also went to most of these appointments by myself..My boyfriend drove me to a couple appointments when I didn’t have a vehicle..Even in the hospital I would get smirks or ignored or have staff make little eye contact..

This is probably why I enjoy not being around people and enjoy being around animals more..My animals comfort me ..even when I feel sad from the meds..The last few days I would wake up and feel sad and think what is the point..I am not happy with my weight..I am the heaviest I have ever been..228 is a lot for a 5ft 2 woman..I have been told the meds help to put weight on..Lately..I don’t have much of an appetite and have to force myself to eat sometimes..Also..I carry most of my weight in my hips and butt..So my clothes that I wore last fall and winter don’t fit..Luckily..I don’t work in an office or have to get dressed up..And shopping has never been my favorite..I know..strange for a girl..I usually buy clothes from QVC, but this is tough since you can’t try it on until you get it home..I bought a fleece coat and have to return it because it makes me look bigger than I am..So, I guess I will be forcing myself to go to the post office to return it..

This is the only CAT scan I want to get..This is my cat Mitzi, she is 12 yrs old and purrs when you look at her..

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This is my mischievous cat Charlie..he keeps me on my toes..He broke my mug this morning..Insert foul language..grr..

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This is me pushing past the tears and forcing myself to do mundane tasks like going to the store..walking client’s dogs and caring for their cats..So the next time you smirk or laugh at someone or even if you see me..stop yourself for a second and think..gee maybe she is battling some tough stuff..Yes..we all have our own battles..but each of us does the best we can each day..

My 1st attempt at making pumpkin tea…


I bought 2 pumpkins last week for cooking..I heard Martha Stewart say you need sugar pumpkins for cooking/baking..Well I don’t know if these were, but they were medium size about 4 lbs..In a bin at the super market marked great for pies..
I saw a video on you tube to cut them open and bake, but I didn’t have time..
so I cut the top off..scooped out the seeds..saved them for later..

I decided to boil the rest of the pumpkin in a large pot of boiling water..

Once soft and a bit cooler..you can pull the skin off and just cut the left over pumpkin..

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Then I take some pieces and put it in a tea carafe ..it has a mesh container..I put the pumpkin pieces..cinnamon..some black tea from a tea bag(cut open the bag and pour into container) a little crushed black pepper..let sit in boiling water..for about 10 mins..

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I added some milk and some sugar..you can make it healthier adding almond milk and any sweetener you want..

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Pumpkin Spice Tea
1 Medium Pumpkin
1 Tbsp Cinnamon
Pinch of Black pepper
2 Black tea bags

Add to prepared tea
Some milk to taste or almond milk
Sugar to taste or other sweetener

Wash off any dirt on the pumpkin
Boil a big pot of water..
Cut the top off of the pumpkin ..
Scoop out the seeds and stringy stuff..
Leave lid off of the pumpkin and boil..
I let it boil for about 10 -20 mins then turn over to boil the rest (if you don’t have a pot large enough to boil the entire thing)
Or if you have an electric knife you can chop up the entire pumpkin into pieces and boil ..check for softness..I used a knife and spoon to turn it over..please be careful ..

When done..I let it cool a bit..the skin will come right off..
cut into small pieces..put into separate container..

Take a few pieces and put into mesh container or tea ball or you can use a tea strainer..
Add the spices..tea(cut the tea bags open and pour out the tea)
Let steep for 10 mins..

Add milk..sugar to taste or almond milk and honey..
Enjoy!

Writing as therapy..


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Writing seems to help me get my feelings out of myself..I have always felt different or misunderstood..Yes we are all different..Then throw in a cancer diagnosis and your life is never the same,,

I try to not burden people with my problems..We all have issues and problems..But throw in medications that change how you think or make it difficult to concentrate..difficulty sleeping that makes you groggy in the morning.,and causes emotional issues..etc.,And throw in the what ifs..if I only had surgery last year..would the cancer be gone,,did I cause my cancer.,did I not do enough..Feeling like no one understands..

And the pressure to still work,,even if it is for myself..and is flexible..I still feel I have trouble concentrating..and worry about making a mistake..Hopefully the side effects will subside..the tumors will shrink,,I can lose the weight..and I am still alive..sometimes I think life is too hard..I don’t want this life anymore,but I trudge along and try to keep fighting.,

All is well..


So once again I am up late..It’s 12:45a and I am reading Facebook..I read several sad posts from 2 cancer patients struggling with situations..to a woman who lost her child years ago and is struggling with the anniversary..to my own fears living with Stage 4 breast cancer..wondering about the what ifs…

I enjoy watching Joel Osteen..his messages are usually fitting to my situation ..today he spoke about being positive during adversity.,he said to say..”All is well”

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I enjoy watching Long Island Medium and Angels Among Us..Both shows can be depressing because quite often people on the show that come thru in the reading died of cancer,,..I know we will all die one day..I am hoping I can live a little while longer..My doctor says we can maintain it for a long time, but sometimes I do get fearful and think well I am stage 4…there is no stage 5..
All is well..I am going to continue watching Angels among us and talk to the angels..