Early morning thoughts..


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My allergies were bugging me this morning..so instead of fighting to get comfortable ..I decided to get up..take an allergy pill..and read some Bernie Siegel..He recommends drawing,,or writing to get your thoughts out of you..so since it’s 4am..my IPad was easier to grab than paper to draw on..I have been LIVING with stage 4 breast cancer since I was re diagnosed in May of 2013..so over a year..Yes..stage 4 can seem scary..and I try to not think about it too much.,but yes the thought does come up..wow..I could die from this..and I could die just getting in my car and driving,,the odds are probably about the same..it doesn’t help that I fell in love with a movie lately and watched it like 10 times in the last week..The Fault in Our Stars..very good movie,,but sad.,and yes it’s about cancer..and the main character is stage 4 but the ending is not what you would expect.. I am also stage 4 , but unlike the character Hazel Grace in the movie,,I was not told I am terminal,..but she is..but the thought has crossed my mind more from watching this movie,,also I have a PET scan coming up next week and a doctor appointment..

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit scared of the results..because it has been several months since my last scan..and the doctor is trying to shrink the tumors without chemo and radiation..the tumors haven’t grown as of my last scans.,but they are still there..and in the last 2 months..2 Facebook friends who had cancer died..so sometimes .yes I do feel like I have a ticking time bomb inside of my body.. Also..I am at my heaviest weight..yay..let’s add that to the list..but I guess fortunate for me weight gain is a side effect of the meds I am on..but doesn’t take away the tiredness from carrying all this weight.,yes I have always struggled with my weight..the good news is,,currently I AM NOT DEPRESSED,,YES CAPS ARE IN ORDER HERE..since many times in my life I was very depressed and had trouble functioning,,so that’s a plus..so hopefully I can find a way to get this weight down…even losing 5 lbs gives me hope..it’s just the dreaded weigh ins at the doctors office that gets frustrating,,but luckily I purchased a scale to monitor my weight…I was going to weigh myself today,,but I think I will wait a bit,,since I over indulged on pizza last night…and like Joy Bauer from the Today show said yesterday…to not beat yourself up for the set backs..we all have them,,but to get back on track afterwards..I am sure she wasn’t referring to cancer patients on meds that don’t help them lose weight..it just makes it a bit more challenging is all..

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