I admit I struggle with self doubt and many fears..And living with stage 4 breast cancer doesn’t help matters..I am alone most of my days..sometimes by choice..I am awake at 4a because I fell asleep at 8p and woke up at 11p and have been up ever since..I did try to go back to sleep around 3 but the negative committee in my head is chattering away..
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and my results from my PET scan weren’t terrible..but there was some growth..and I think of death quite often..in the past I use to wish for it because I have had struggles in this world..getting along with others.,fitting in ..whatever..but as I lay in bed I am reading Facebook ..and another cancer patient I chat with just had surgery..I wish her well..but I wasn’t brave enough to do it ..also my cancer Would have spread if I did..also because I knew I wouldn’t have a lot of support..
I don’t have a big family and my boyfriend has to work..and I don’t have many friends..so I wouldn’t have really anyone to help..so then I think about negative things people have said..faces they have made at me..or ignoring me and not making eye contact..and I just think how lonely I am,,when I broke my ankle..no one came to see me..well I take it back..my brother drove my mom over several weeks after I broke my ankle..no one came to see me in the hospital..I guess my fear is if I was dying or even at my funeral it would be very small..
I just feel very alone and I don’t want to get depressed again..my weight is at it’s highest ever probably due to my meds..my blood pressure was 180 although I think the technician didn’t do it right..because its usually under 130..
I always struggled with fitting in..maybe I rub people the wrong way..I dunno..I guess I should live my life for me..even though it’s not much of a life..I take care of people’s animals ..and I go to doctor’s appointments..that’s about it..on occasion I will see my one friend..and I am on Facebook quite a bit..otherwise I would have very little contact with anyone..
I am just in a low place right now..maybe I ate too much junk food yesterday..maybe it’s seeing this other breast cancer patient talking about her surgery and knowing she had family and friends to greet her in the hospital..and I know if I had surgery there wouldn’t be anyone…maybe my brother and mom and boyfriend..that’s about it..
I want to believe there is a purpose for my life and value..and someone would miss me if I was gone..