Stronger than you think..


I was talking to another breast cancer survivor last night..She called me brave..I guess because I chose to not have surgery and when I thought I was ready to do it..I couldn’t, since the cancer spread some..She also said I wrote beautifully..I was touched by her comments and also sympathetic to her pain..Even though I didn’t have surgery or am in constant pain..my troubles are more emotional..Although most of my life I was insecure..had self esteem problems..people didn’t accept me..I try to not worry about pleasing others and pleasing myself..I don’t go out of my way to hurt people, like people have done to me..My boyfriend used to call me thin skinned..I guess I am and what is wrong with that..we can’t all have a hard shell..I have had people laugh in my face.,call me terrible names..The other day I went into a local liquor store to pick up some beer and wine.,I was looking for a certain wine and I asked the guy running the place and he tried looking for it..The bottle had a cat figure on the label and he found a wine with a dog..I mentioned about a winery in my home town that he wasn’t aware of..I said I was from there and he raised his voice and pointed to get back on the other side of 130..I think I looked at him in shock..I should have asked for my money back..I suppose he was joking and yes I tend to be sensitive, especially with all the hormonal blocking meds I am on..

In the past almost 2 yrs since my original diagnosis, I have been forced to be around people on a more regular basis..Being poked and prodded with many mammograms..ultra sounds..cat scans..pet scans..Herceptin infusions..injections..echocardiograms..pills that put me into menopause at 45 and cause me to cry at the drop of a hat..Although I don’t miss buying tampons or pads..I also went to most of these appointments by myself..My boyfriend drove me to a couple appointments when I didn’t have a vehicle..Even in the hospital I would get smirks or ignored or have staff make little eye contact..

This is probably why I enjoy not being around people and enjoy being around animals more..My animals comfort me ..even when I feel sad from the meds..The last few days I would wake up and feel sad and think what is the point..I am not happy with my weight..I am the heaviest I have ever been..228 is a lot for a 5ft 2 woman..I have been told the meds help to put weight on..Lately..I don’t have much of an appetite and have to force myself to eat sometimes..Also..I carry most of my weight in my hips and butt..So my clothes that I wore last fall and winter don’t fit..Luckily..I don’t work in an office or have to get dressed up..And shopping has never been my favorite..I know..strange for a girl..I usually buy clothes from QVC, but this is tough since you can’t try it on until you get it home..I bought a fleece coat and have to return it because it makes me look bigger than I am..So, I guess I will be forcing myself to go to the post office to return it..

This is the only CAT scan I want to get..This is my cat Mitzi, she is 12 yrs old and purrs when you look at her..

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This is my mischievous cat Charlie..he keeps me on my toes..He broke my mug this morning..Insert foul language..grr..

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This is me pushing past the tears and forcing myself to do mundane tasks like going to the store..walking client’s dogs and caring for their cats..So the next time you smirk or laugh at someone or even if you see me..stop yourself for a second and think..gee maybe she is battling some tough stuff..Yes..we all have our own battles..but each of us does the best we can each day..

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