I really hoped at 45 I would be married..
Be settled in some way in my life..
I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I am..
My boyfriend telling me to take a happy pill because of the comments I made..
I guess I was hoping for more of a fairy tale..I know they don’t exist..and even less of a chance with someone like me..
I don’t have many friends..not many to turn to.,and I am so sick of my diagnosis..my story..this life..
I had a reading on Facebook by a woman named Bear..I just briefly asked about my relationship..she compared it to wheels in a clock or a broken rubber band..she also said first thing..TO NOT settle….Maybe I am,,maybe I settle for what’s easy instead of what is tough.,I have very low self worth these days..yes I have always been a weak needy person.,and I do take pride that I lived alone for 11 yrs..No I don’t have kids..and honestly I don’t feel it makes you a better or worse person..I have met some horrible parents..I do have pets and care for them the best I can..
I didn’t need a psychic to tell me things..I am a quiet person who likes my space..but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wish I was married in a loving relationship..I probably can no longer support myself,,not sure I have that in me anymore..or the time with doctor appointments etc..I have to kinda beg for help from my mom or brother and make sure they don’t have other plans shopping or whatever they do..
So throw in a cancer diagnosis..what’s the point..I try to be optimistic..thinking I can start over..maybe with a new man..ha who am I kidding..I am not young anymore..overweight..and oh yeah I have stage 4 breast cancer..who would want someone like that..
So I find some solace taking pictures.,and writing..and going into crystal shops..But I am not a part of the world.,well I never was..Always hummed a different tune off key..
So do I stay where I am living..sure it is a roof..and I can have my pets here..and I do help pay for things..I mean if I left ..the cable/phone and Internet would get shut off…his daughter couldn’t do her home school..oh yeah she doesn’t technically live here or do they have it in this state..and her mother would lose her phone..Not sure what to do..would it be easier living with my mom? Or a stranger in someone’s home..people that say money doesn’t matter don’t really know what it’s like to not have it and to deal with an illness.. Yes I know we are all going to die one day..but I am reminded of it every day..and not living while I am alive..And yes I took “a happy pill” I am sitting here with tears in my eyes..Yes, my boyfriend has a full plate..Worrying about his 82 yr old mom ..his 14 yr old daughter ..than there is me..He is exhausted when he comes home..I never knew my place in this world and it wasn’t to be a pet sitter.,that just seems the one thing I can do and can make some money, without too much criticism from others..Oh and the taking pictures.,boyfriend says ..I am good at it..like I suck at everything else I do..kinda a back handed compliment..I can make a good baked ziti and pretty good omelet..
I am tired..Physically and emotionally..Yes I look like crap in this photo..This was me this morning..Sometimes I wonder what am I fighting for,,..What’s the point..Last night I was up most of the night other than maybe about 3 hours of sleep..from trying various things,,from olive oil on bread..to swishing coconut oil in my mouth.,to take a sleep supplement..to taking valerian, to listening to a sleep hypnosis video on You Tube..
I am just tired..I am tired of trying so hard to look good..trying so hard to fit in..be liked..just tired..And now I have like 3 different meds in me.,Not sure anymore if that’s the cause for the sleep issues..probably..and the moods..and depression..I just don’t have much fight left in me..And this morning I read Marcia Strassman died of breast cancer, she fought stage 4 for 7 yrs..She was an actress..I remember her from Welcome Back Kotter..She did have a good attitude..Something I use to have until the meds start messing with my brain, then I don’t feel as strong..
I pray when I can’t sleep..it may sound silly but I ask God and the angels to help me sleep..I was watching Joel Osteen last night and he said to not keep asking God for things..and to praise and thank him..I guess it is true..Although when I really needed help I did pray and a thought or something would show up..Now my head is just kinda throbbing..but I am not in a bad mood..just tired..
So as usual I was having my ups and downs today..Maybe part me..maybe from the medications and being in a chemical menopause..maybe from my living situation..I kept FEELING ..I need to light some sage..and send self reiki to myself..I feel like I am constantly seeking..But I am always drawn back to the reiki..I found reiki years ago..I have had an interest in reiki since 2004..Probably before than..But that year, my dad died and I had to put my dog down..I felt helpless..The last time I saw my father was in his nursing home room..I felt my throat closing up when I entered his room.,He couldn’t eat, drink, walk or talk..That was the last time I saw him alive..I still have an image of him waving to us..I decided that day I wanted to have some way to help..and I thought it could help with my self esteem issues etc..
I read about reiki..even tried online reiki attunements..Honestly, nothing worked until I attended my first reiki class in 2007..I went onto becoming a Reiki Master Teacher..I did do some reiki sessions on pet sitting clients and their pets..But I never taught anyone reiki..Just wasn’t confident enough to do so..Then in Nov 2012 I get cancer and went thru literally a roller coaster ride..In May of 2013 I am diagnosed early stage 4..Although there was a relief..I didn’t have to decide about surgery..because I couldn’t do it now..
Then in 2014 I was trying to put together a support group and tried offering reiki sessions for cancer patients..I made brochures..and passed them out at my oncology office..Well nothing came of this so I gave up..Then I was switched my meds and again on an emotional roller coaster currently..
I have been calling for readings on Blog Talk Radio..One most recently saw certificates on a wall I wasn’t using..Well I don’t have them on a wall currently..I mentioned the reiki certificates….The reader felt I should be doing self reiki and offering reiki sessions..
So I decided to write about it and see if there is any interest..Several groups I am associated with offer reiki to the cancer patients..I could go to the patients home or meet at a space I can rent..
Anyone reading this..do you feel this is a needed service..? Also reiki heals the patient and the healer..So the patient gets a healing and so does the healer..
Reiki is universal life force energy..it can be given in person or from a distance..It is mainly used for relaxation, but has been known to heal people.Most healers will say that reiki helps the body to heal itself..
I have been searching for an easy way out..there is no easy..just to move forward and go thru..I have been having trouble sleeping again,,which doesn’t help me make good decisions..And being woken up by a pounding noise coming from Rick’s mother’s kitchen doesn’t help..It was Rick’s mom pounding the cabinet with her cane at 3a…We have a rat problem and I guess she thought if she banged on the cabinet it would help..Ugh..So now I feel worse..barely sleeping..ahh well..I will live..
I keep praying to the Angels for guidance..something..So I am drawn again to write..even if it’s just a few sentences..So a few hours later, I am laying in bed..and I hear..”everything will be alright”.. “Don’t worry”.. God I hope so..
I am tired from the injections I received on Tuesday..I am tired from not sleeping well..I am tired from not being able to come up with answers to change my situation..Not just the cancer..the fears and insecurities I have in life..
A phone reading I received last week mentioned about a book above my head that I am suppose to write..and to laugh and enjoy life..Laughing seems like a chore at times..But I have read that it is good for our health..I was towel drying Molly yesterday and giggling at her wiggling as I tried to towel her dry..
It’s the latest game I play..What mood will Susan be in today..?Like I am spinning a wheel on a game show..Will it be tear jerker ,bitchy,happy,sad,leave me alone..ehh..Today it landed on leave me alone..and slowly rose to sad..then it lifted..Strangest thing..Maybe because the sun is shining ..maybe some of the old meds wore off..who knows..I am hoping that my mood stays up..see with me..when my mood is low,,I can’t think,,and I move in slow motion,,..
I went to the oncologist to get stabbed again ..at least the nurses seemed in a good mood..And I was in a pretty good mood..Hopefully it will last thru out the night and continue in the morning,,that’s the real test..
So afterwards I stopped at a local park and took some photos with my new camera..
So I haven’t blogged in a little while..I find myself pushing myself more than ever..Not sure if I can blame the new injections..or the chemical menopause my body is in..I’m hot then cold..So I decided to take Nelson for a walk around the block..just to get my own endorphins in my brain going and to fight off the negative thoughts..Which has been a battle lately, but I try to not burden others with my thoughts, which come and go..Yesterday, I went for a drive to escape where I am living..Rick’s family was over visiting his mother and I just felt so alone and trapped..So I jumped in my car and just kept driving..Thoughts of worthlessness..tears rolling down my face..Thoughts of why bother with the treatments..No one cares anyway, why fight so hard..and trying to control my own brain..I really don’t want to take another pill to make myself feel better..So I finally came home and sat in the apartment..Rick came in and listened to me..
He really does love me..And I am thankful for his love..I just get so lonely some times..I feel powerless ..Afraid of everything and everyone..the feelings come and go..so perhaps they aren’t mine, but from the medication..Not really sure..I constantly pray..”God please help me” but sometimes I think even God isn’t there..I feel kinda helpless at times..And life seems so hard..Wishing I was smarter..prettier..thinner..blah…
So during my walk with Nelson this morning..I was saying in my mind ..”You are powerful not powerless”..”You are strong”..Not sure where this came from..But I just went with it..I was watching a video by Sean Stephenson on my Facebook newsfeed..There was this little man dancing in his wheel chair and being so positive..I thought wow if he can do it so can I..
I have given up on sleep for the night..it is 6am..I pretty much was up and down all night..I was hot then cold..This seems to be a game I play often..But then throw in the thoughts..the worthless feelings..I took the above photos to just get out of the house..looking at these photos bring me peace..then I force myself to go food shopping..something I never really like..but I have no desire for food or interest..I come out with $109 worth of food items..with very little interest in any of them..I was told you could lose your food stamps if you don’t use it..
Talks about Ebola is all over the news..and my boyfriend guilts me into taking a ride with him to pay the Home Depot bill..so for the 2nd day in a row..l am trapped in a car listening about Ebola..sigh..I tell him to stop because I just can’t handle much these days..I can’t watch scary movies and even the items for Halloween freak me out..Am I depressed? Is it from the injections? My sensitive system..I dunno..I feel like the joy has been zapped from my body..it comes and goes..I feel trapped..Trapped in my living situation..Trapped in my health situation.,trapped in my financial situation..I had one dog to walk most of this week except for today is my busy day..I am trying to act like everything is normal..I still have tumors in my body and sometimes they bother me..tinges of pain..
So lately my way to comfort myself is by calling blog talk radio to psychics..It helps for the moment..and it’s free..I still wonder of my purpose..I try to convince myself I can write..ehh some days better than others..The latest reading I had yesterday was by a healer over the phone who says I had a spirit attached to me..hmm it’s possible..I did feel warmth in my belly..he said it was in my 3rd chakra and from my classes in reiki, I believe that’s where self esteem issues lie..Something I have always had issues with..Let’s also throw in feeling lonely..worthless..and I live with a house full of people..but I am alone..I can’t talk to any of them..one is 14, the other is 82 ..and my boyfriend who tries to please everyone..And I have my pets..which some days I can barely care for them..
I don’t know how people do it..work full time..take care of their family..deal with health issues..I can barely take care of myself..I keep praying for answers..strength..something..I don’t really have any friends..probably the main reason I didn’t have the mastectomy..because I knew there wouldn’t be anyone to care for me.,unless I went to my mother’s house..So back to the photo above..I took several of these to bring myself peace..Peace for a chaotic mind..