So easy to give up..


It would be so easy to give up..I am sitting here crying..I have always been sensitive..So let’s add in medications that have drawn me back into depression,,sadness..I feel all alone..

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I have always had trouble with people..Making fun of me..telling me about myself..letting me know I wasn’t good enough..So it is no surprise I feel more comfortable with animals and away from people..Now I have a disease that could kill me..I have lived most of my life just wanting to escape to be free..I am just tired..Tired of this life..Tired of feeling like I am in the way..And tired of feeling like no one wants me around..I have trouble going into stores always have..years ago when I was in school I had trouble being around the kids..I was teased..I didn’t have many friends..and thru adulthood I tried working regular jobs..I always did better in small groups.I was always able to do the pet sitting because it is low key..But even that is becoming more difficult…

Maybe I am still feeling the side effects of the medication..maybe it is just me..I don’t really know anymore..I drove to my mother’s house yesterday..For 3 reasons..To see her..get her out of the house and have her go with me to Target because I needed pet food..This chore was worse than going to the dentist..I am at my heaviest weight..and I try to make myself attractive.,not sure if I am succeeding..I felt like every aisle I walked thru people ran from me..maybe it is just in my mind..I don’t know anymore..having a child scream NO when you look at them doesn’t help…Yes the mother scolded her..maybe it wasn’t about me..but pile that on top of the list..I pray for help..A sign..to passed love ones..

I just feel pretty useless right now..and I don’t have much fight left in me..yes maybe these feelings aren’t real..maybe no one will understand them..My doctor told me yesterday the side effects from Exemastene can last until a month..great..Do I feel like hiding some where ..yes…But I have pet sitting do..3 visits..not many but enough..and it is difficult..Do I want to feel this way..not really..do I try to keep fighting..sure.Does it help that it is breast cancer awareness month and I can’t get away from it..Even having breast cancer..I didn’t do that right..Didn’t you know you are suppose to cut off your breast and let the doctors put a fake one in and take very powerful medications..and walk around with bald heads..or wigs..or head scarves..I feel terrible with hair geez how much more of a freak would I be..

If I had friends maybe it would be easier..yes I have a couple,,but everyone is wrapped up in their own lives..I am having trouble taking care of me..Sure..I watch the stories and fundraisers of people gathering together to help the cancer patient.Real friends that would come and visit,,not just messages on Facebook..I don’t have that..Am I scared of dying..yes..but living seems to be difficult for me too.Sure..I could call the doctor and ask for another pill to take away these feelings., but it won’t take away how people treat me..how they run away from me..don’t make eye contact most of the time..and I haven’t lost hair yet..

I wish I was stronger..I wish I was smarter..I wish I had a different brain..And of course being prettier would help..Instead of feeling like I repel people..I wish I had more fight in me.,actually I am tired of fighting..I feel like all I ever do is fight..I am physically tired..not being able to sleep.i have given up on taking things for this..I would like to be happy..but I just can’t get myself there..yes the weight is coming off again ..but never in a healthy way..I have no appetite so I am not eating much..

I do try..yes I could just lay in bed all day..I walked my dog around the block..I went to my cat sitting job this morning..As I was getting out of my car..I see the neighbor and her friend walking around the corner..everyone says how friendly she is.as usual she isn’t to me..I notice her and her friend stop to talk to each other right before they get to the corner,,I park my car on the street..I have noticed kids avoid me..or stop or cross the street.I wish I could say it was just in my head..maybe it is I don’t know anymore…When I saw the one neighbor and her friend stop..then as I am leaving my car and going Inside they are walking to her house..she lives across the street..ok maybe it had nothing to do with me..I don’t know..I just wish I was normal..but I am me..

I always had trouble learning..I was never diagnosed but maybe I have a learning problem..my dad was bipolar and had his difficulties too..My mother is just sensitive ,and so is my brother..He works full time but is on quite a few pills..I just don’t want to feel this way anymore..I don’t know where I belong..Right now I don’t feel I belong any where..I keep crying..maybe it is the residue from this pill..everything bothers me..

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2 thoughts on “So easy to give up..

  1. You are a beautiful lady inside and out Susan. Wish I lived near you and could come visit and tell you that and take you out to lunch or something. Take care Hugs dear friend. Prayers for you.

    • Aww..you are so kind..I guess we are on the same wave length..because I was thinking the same thing ..well the meeting for lunch:)when I was walking my daily dog walk..Molly

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