I have given up on sleep for the night..it is 6am..I pretty much was up and down all night..I was hot then cold..This seems to be a game I play often..But then throw in the thoughts..the worthless feelings..I took the above photos to just get out of the house..looking at these photos bring me peace..then I force myself to go food shopping..something I never really like..but I have no desire for food or interest..I come out with $109 worth of food items..with very little interest in any of them..I was told you could lose your food stamps if you don’t use it..
Talks about Ebola is all over the news..and my boyfriend guilts me into taking a ride with him to pay the Home Depot bill..so for the 2nd day in a row..l am trapped in a car listening about Ebola..sigh..I tell him to stop because I just can’t handle much these days..I can’t watch scary movies and even the items for Halloween freak me out..Am I depressed? Is it from the injections? My sensitive system..I dunno..I feel like the joy has been zapped from my body..it comes and goes..I feel trapped..Trapped in my living situation..Trapped in my health situation.,trapped in my financial situation..I had one dog to walk most of this week except for today is my busy day..I am trying to act like everything is normal..I still have tumors in my body and sometimes they bother me..tinges of pain..
So lately my way to comfort myself is by calling blog talk radio to psychics..It helps for the moment..and it’s free..I still wonder of my purpose..I try to convince myself I can write..ehh some days better than others..The latest reading I had yesterday was by a healer over the phone who says I had a spirit attached to me..hmm it’s possible..I did feel warmth in my belly..he said it was in my 3rd chakra and from my classes in reiki, I believe that’s where self esteem issues lie..Something I have always had issues with..Let’s also throw in feeling lonely..worthless..and I live with a house full of people..but I am alone..I can’t talk to any of them..one is 14, the other is 82 ..and my boyfriend who tries to please everyone..And I have my pets..which some days I can barely care for them..
I don’t know how people do it..work full time..take care of their family..deal with health issues..I can barely take care of myself..I keep praying for answers..strength..something..I don’t really have any friends..probably the main reason I didn’t have the mastectomy..because I knew there wouldn’t be anyone to care for me.,unless I went to my mother’s house..So back to the photo above..I took several of these to bring myself peace..Peace for a chaotic mind..