Stronger than you think..


So I haven’t blogged in a little while..I find myself pushing myself more than ever..Not sure if I can blame the new injections..or the chemical menopause my body is in..I’m hot then cold..So I decided to take Nelson for a walk around the block..just to get my own endorphins in my brain going and to fight off the negative thoughts..Which has been a battle lately, but I try to not burden others with my thoughts, which come and go..Yesterday, I went for a drive to escape where I am living..Rick’s family was over visiting his mother and I just felt so alone and trapped..So I jumped in my car and just kept driving..Thoughts of worthlessness..tears rolling down my face..Thoughts of why bother with the treatments..No one cares anyway, why fight so hard..and trying to control my own brain..I really don’t want to take another pill to make myself feel better..So I finally came home and sat in the apartment..Rick came in and listened to me..

He really does love me..And I am thankful for his love..I just get so lonely some times..I feel powerless ..Afraid of everything and everyone..the feelings come and go..so perhaps they aren’t mine, but from the medication..Not really sure..I constantly pray..”God please help me” but sometimes I think even God isn’t there..I feel kinda helpless at times..And life seems so hard..Wishing I was smarter..prettier..thinner..blah…

So during my walk with Nelson this morning..I was saying in my mind ..”You are powerful not powerless”..”You are strong”..Not sure where this came from..But I just went with it..I was watching a video by Sean Stephenson on my Facebook newsfeed..There was this little man dancing in his wheel chair and being so positive..I thought wow if he can do it so can I..

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