Dear me..


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Dear me..

I really hoped at 45 I would be married..
Be settled in some way in my life..
I don’t mean to sound selfish, but I am..
My boyfriend telling me to take a happy pill because of the comments I made..
I guess I was hoping for more of a fairy tale..I know they don’t exist..and even less of a chance with someone like me..
I don’t have many friends..not many to turn to.,and I am so sick of my diagnosis..my story..this life..
I had a reading on Facebook by a woman named Bear..I just briefly asked about my relationship..she compared it to wheels in a clock or a broken rubber band..she also said first thing..TO NOT settle….Maybe I am,,maybe I settle for what’s easy instead of what is tough.,I have very low self worth these days..yes I have always been a weak needy person.,and I do take pride that I lived alone for 11 yrs..No I don’t have kids..and honestly I don’t feel it makes you a better or worse person..I have met some horrible parents..I do have pets and care for them the best I can..

I didn’t need a psychic to tell me things..I am a quiet person who likes my space..but I would be lying if I didn’t say I wish I was married in a loving relationship..I probably can no longer support myself,,not sure I have that in me anymore..or the time with doctor appointments etc..I have to kinda beg for help from my mom or brother and make sure they don’t have other plans shopping or whatever they do..

So throw in a cancer diagnosis..what’s the point..I try to be optimistic..thinking I can start over..maybe with a new man..ha who am I kidding..I am not young anymore..overweight..and oh yeah I have stage 4 breast cancer..who would want someone like that..

So I find some solace taking pictures.,and writing..and going into crystal shops..But I am not a part of the world.,well I never was..Always hummed a different tune off key..

So do I stay where I am living..sure it is a roof..and I can have my pets here..and I do help pay for things..I mean if I left ..the cable/phone and Internet would get shut off…his daughter couldn’t do her home school..oh yeah she doesn’t technically live here or do they have it in this state..and her mother would lose her phone..Not sure what to do..would it be easier living with my mom? Or a stranger in someone’s home..people that say money doesn’t matter don’t really know what it’s like to not have it and to deal with an illness.. Yes I know we are all going to die one day..but I am reminded of it every day..and not living while I am alive..And yes I took “a happy pill” I am sitting here with tears in my eyes..Yes, my boyfriend has a full plate..Worrying about his 82 yr old mom ..his 14 yr old daughter ..than there is me..He is exhausted when he comes home..I never knew my place in this world and it wasn’t to be a pet sitter.,that just seems the one thing I can do and can make some money, without too much criticism from others..Oh and the taking pictures.,boyfriend says ..I am good at it..like I suck at everything else I do..kinda a back handed compliment..I can make a good baked ziti and pretty good omelet..

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3 thoughts on “Dear me..

  1. Dear Susan, you are not alone. Though I don’t have your diagnosis, I have plenty of others, you can ask our dear Bear. I have been through many downs in my life but will never give up. Sometimes we need to change ourselves within in order for changes to happen around us. Always, always love yourself first (this is one of the hardest things to do). Bear is an amazing person with love and honesty in her heart. She will not sugarcoat anything and will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear and this is a good thing. Just know we are here for you at The Wolf and the Bear Network. Sending you healing love and light!

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