Well world..I am still HERE…I can’t believe it has been 2 yrs.. Since my original cancer diagnosis..The three words no one ever wants to hear..”YOU HAVE CANCER”….It has been such a roller coaster ride..Sometimes I question my own decisions..only because I am still dealing with this 2 years later..Surgery wouldn’t have solved my problem since it did spread some..surgery would have made it spread more..I am still getting hormone therapy and that has been fun.. I currently Take a pill to be able to sleep..But, I have accepted this..and hopefully it is helping me get better emotionally..and get more sleep..
In the last 2 months I have been an emotional wreck with the hormone changes..not being able to sleep..depression..which I can honestly say was from the medication..I am slowly coming back to being more positive..if I need a mild pill to help so be it..it doesn’t mean I am weak ..I just needed a little help..I don’t have all the answers..but I pray often..I don’t have many friends, but I have a few..Life is still challenging for me..it was prior to cancer..but I will continue to do my best as each day comes..and make the most out of it..
This is the message I kept hearing today…and Panache Desai had a live phone session and spoke about giving..
I was walking Molly today and decided to grab her frisbee and play frisbee in the park..Molly is a chocolate lab that i walk during the week..I heard in my own mind while looking up at the sky to keep giving and be kind….Even when people aren’t kind to you..be kind and give anyways..that it will all come back..
Another act of kindness was when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and I decided to pick up Rick’s mom’s meds too..unfortunately hers was not in..but I picked up some Aspercreme for her knees..
Also the other day I donated 2 coats to a breast cancer survivor to be brought to another survivor for her to wear…
And just now I gave some sweat pants to Rick’s daughter to wear..
I am just sharing..I am no one special..but I do try to be kind when I can..because this is how we all want to be treated..
We are here to help each other..This is something my boyfriend keeps saying which is a bit surprising because he isn’t really religious, but it makes sense..I sat with him on a cold porch Friday night handing out Halloween candy..I didn’t want him out there by himself., plus I knew he wasn’t feeling well..He wanted the kids to have candy and this way our dogs wouldn’t get upset from the doorbell and knocking..Hopefully he didn’t get worse from being out there.,we were only out for about 2 hours and he did go inside a few times..A neighbor kid with his group mentioned to his buddies that “they don’t talk to us”..no one listened and took our candy and so did he..A few other kids did not stop at our house on purpose..I have heard a kid or two call me weird..and I was starting to take it personal..I have been called weird..and many adjectives thru out my life..and quite frankly it’s getting old..I wanted to write a note to the parents who told their child they don’t speak to us..but I decided to pray for them instead.,Yes..maybe the child is autistic..and can’t think for himself..and trusts his parents who work in the medical field.. Who you would think would be caring loving people..maybe to their own KIND or class..so be it..I didn’t snub their child and not give him candy..
I have been called weird, different,ugly,so many names..and I use to believe them..IT DOESN’T MATTER..I can’t please them..I have tried..it never works..so now I am on meds that make me moody..fearful.,all sorts of lovely side effects..but I am still alive..weird or not..it’s just an opinion..and doesn’t really matter..
So back to helping people.,so why would I want to help people..people have been very cruel to me..many times I did just want to die and give up..Because as I am quoting..from my own inner guidance..”my dear, you are here for a reason” I could have moved back home with my mom..I chose to live with people who aren’t family..Who, struggle financially.But for some reason I felt I was suppose to be here..Are the neighbors lovely sweet people..no not to me..Is the neighborhood anything special..it is nice..but they are just people ..maybe a little snooty..is it embarrassing being a grown woman living in someone’s home? sure..
Rick told me a story about his neighbor Andree..who was also sick, but came over to try to fix the furnace..he told me how he bought a new heating system for a couple who fell on hard times, but once had money..
I decided to give away some nice coats I have..One is a Calvin Klein down coat..They no longer fit ..yes I could stick in a bin but I really want to give it to someone..maybe a cancer patient who gained weight like me..and needs a larger size..I was inspired by the young lady who ended her life yesterday with brain cancer..She said to pay it forward..And so I am..Weird or not..crazy or not..blah blah..I am still here..not hiding ..living..as long as I can..willing to help..Because isn’t that what life is about..
A reading by Bear mentioned about settling..I thought she meant settling with a guy.,maybe she meant settling ..playing small..I don’t have many friends.,and the block I live on with my boyfriend and his mom..they just aren’t that friendly..the kids would go by me and call me weird,,perhaps,,but aren’t they weird to think I am weird? Just a thought..
I admit I have issues with people even kids,,due to fears of being made fun of or not accepted.,
I sat out with Rick handing out candy..I noticed certain kids did not come to our house..and the one across the street..whose parents never spoke to me..this kid was with a group of kids,,and kids are greedy and want candy..The one kid from across the street..says to his gang,,hey guys we don’t talk to them..they didn’t listen and came over anyways..and he took candy from us..
So is it a matter of class? are they better than us? Have more money? Is their candy better? Actually it is all bad for us..
I went to visit my dad’s grave last week..My dad always called himself poor..He became an editor of the Wall Street Journal
I mean I already know that wealthy people get better medical care than poor..
So when the body dies and we are all just souls..does any of it matter?
So here is my dad’s grave among other more expensive tombstones..does it matter..?