So today I decided to move forward..I started my first day of Wellbutrin..
HOPEFULLY it will start to kick in..and I can start kicking cancer in the ass..I would like to be around longer..I Keep reading positive things about cannabis oil..but how do you get it..?
I am very close to taking a chemo pill..not sure if it works like chemo in an IV..I haven't really researched it..maybe I am still in denial..I guess I am trusting Dr. SCHAEBLER..But maybe there is more I can do..I am trying to get my head together so I can fight this..so I that I no longer spend half of my days being miserable and the other half I feel better..BARELY leaving the house..maybe for a pet sitting job or two..
THIS ISNT LIVING! Ok I have always had social issues and issues dealing with people..maybe under lying aspbergers..I just don't know..does it matter at this point? Perhaps..so I can make peace with my own life and make sense all the struggles I have had..PERHAPS my dad had undiagnosed aspbergers..
I did an online test for aspbergers and it said I was borderline..I don't have the food and clothing issues or eye contact issues..but I do tend to stare at people and have the lack of social skills..like understanding things..and I still tend to be fearful of people at times..and young kids since I had issues as a kid and still don't know how to relate..although I have learned how to copy people well..
Many times in my life I needed others to help me make decisions..or help me with life..I call my mom often each day..to check in on her and to talk about my problems..
That's why I do better in small groups..never had a lot of friends..and why I have been a pet sitter for so long..my one friend said to me today..about being a prisoner to depression,,I am a prisoner..even before the Cancer
I have had my struggles thru out my life and on and off anti depressants..I haven’t been on anti depressants for years..I decided to ask the nurse practitioner for a prescription..I mentioned the 2 I have tried in the past..I wandered into the infusion room with my new prescription and hand out for the Xeloda chemo pill..I have been freaking out about this pill for awhile..I have a few more weeks to think about it..
I asked the infusion nurses..and one said. “Good” and seemed relieved..I don’t like taking pills and I have been on Wellbutrin in the past..maybe it’s time..I also have been wondering if I have aspbergers ..I have done the online tests and it said I am borderline..so maybe the meds will help that also…I have always had trouble understanding people..and always had difficulty getting along with others..
But one thing I do know…is I did eventually feel better on the meds..I still worry about side effects.,but like the nurse practitioner said to me this morning on the phone..the benefits may out weigh the risks..
I haven’t felt happy in awhile..perhaps I can feel that way again soon.,
I have been told I have enough on my plate..it’s ok to get some help..
I also made an appt with the social worker who works with Breast cancer patients..so maybe things will improve..I don’t feel strong enough to handle the upcoming medication on my own..I feel too unstable..
I haven’t written in awhile..I am so sick of thinking about cancer,,living with cancer,,I am sure others are sick of reading my blog..I don’t have answers..and am contemplating just doing chemo..I want to be done with it..maybe I should have had the mastectomy ..I am tired of being tired.,I did sleep some last night..maybe my decisions aren’t the wisest..maybe I should be on anti depressants ..I pray..have had others prayed for me..I don’t have a large circle of people to help me..and sometimes I wonder what I am fighting for.,I have been researching medical marijuana..NJ does have a medical marijuana program..but from what I read for cancer you have to be terminal..Use one of the listed doctors and have a relationship with them for a year..My Dr isn’t listed..I was watching a video about a girl with brain cancer who was making her own cannabis oil..which by the way doesn’t look easy..Sometimes I wish there was a book on what to take for cancer..I do have one book and there are so many different things.,Dealing with cancer isn’t like having a cold..especially if you are like me and didn’t have the tumors removed..I feel like I did in the beginning..thinking about cancer often..am I doing enough,,should I just trust my doctor and live my life,,? should I go see a counselor or get meds from some doctor..should I try to get cannabis oil? I have Medicaid but it doesn’t cover much..I am on SSI..I wish I could say living with cancer for over 2 yrs has made me stronger..I was ..then my sleep and mood took a dump from being put in a chemical menopause..yes I wish I had someone to help me make the best decisions..I write on cancer message boards.,most are others on meds just trying to live..one board I am on are others living with advanced breast cancer,,although I don’t really feel sick other than the tumors..I don’t have much of an appetite..if I had money I Would pay someone to help me get the supplements and food I need..I am not sure what that is anymore..I know eating better would help,,and I did this for awhile..it’s hard to keep up..I am not giving up.,just not sure what to do with myself anymore..