I try to tell myself to keep fighting..I wonder what I am fighting for..Yes I guess I am still dealing with depression..I have to push myself..I am still taking my welbutrin..I know it takes awhile..it’s been almost 4 weeks..I am still having trouble sleeping..I am still having trouble fighting for this life..Am I anyone special..no..I can list all the things wrong with me..I don’t have many people in my life..I am kinda tired of hearing how I am stronger than I think..perhaps..can I look at the positives..sure..
I Am not homeless..
I am not dying right now..
I have a voice..
That’s about all I can come up with right now..
Trying to work thru the worthless feelings..
I was thinking how I wish I had someone to just take care of me..I wish I had a place to go to to just get healed and be done with Cancer..Did I have issues before the cancer yes..? Did I have self esteem and self worth issues before? Did having Cancer magically change anything,,no..For awhile I was more at peace about the Cancer..but the change in hormonal medications have put me into menopause..I don’t know what to do with myself..
Rick was sitting with me before he left for work and was telling me about women he work with going thru Cancer..And in my mind I think,,well they aren’t stage 4..Not that stage 4 is worse than the other stages..When I was stage 2b it was just as scary..I was a bit relieved when I was stage 4 because I no longer needed to have surgery..Rick also mentioned about me going to his sister’s home in Florida for a little while to get away..He brought it up because I had mentioned about wishing I could go somewhere..He told me to me to look up flight info..It’s not cheap..about $400..would it solve anything..probably not..
For some reason I find blogging therapeutic..not sure if anyone finds interest in reading my thoughts..as I sit here typing on my iPad I think how lazy I am..I don’t have much responsibility..others are stronger than me..they are raising children,,still living their lives..1 Cancer patient I met recently who still works..yes I still do some pet sitting..just not sure what I am suppose to do…I am tired of looking up treatments..maybe I need a break from Cancer..
My mantra to myself lately has been ..I am enough and try to say it when I can..I can sit here at 6a and pick a part all the things I am not doing.,LIke my animals still having some fleas..My dog Nelson needing a haircut..I haven’t been walking him..Or cleaning the apartment that well..And whatever else I probably
should be doing..Like maybe helping Rick and his mom with cooking..I haven’t done this because they are pretty picky where food is concerned..and I let them figure out what they want to eat.,plus I haven’t had much of an appetite lately or interest in food..
Things I am doing..I take my wellbutrin daily..I go to my doctor appointments..and I do some pet sitting..I clean the cat box and feed the animals,,I take my dog out around the house..my excuse it’s been too cold to walk him..I am starting to get some sleep again,,and don’t feel as anxious..
I am in an advanced Breast cancer group on facebook and find myself getting consumed with the stories..and worrying about the future..the Cancer spreading,,not doing enough.,
I am enough and am doing the best I can for the moment..
So I came back from the Breast cancer social worker..I call her that because when I try to talk about other things she seems to have no interest..as for the Breast cancer..I am sorta tired of talking about it..
I feel a bit discouraged from seeing the social worker,,although she keeps telling me I am healthy with a touch of Cancer..for some reason that doesn’t make me feel better..when ever I talk about alternatives with the social worker she reminds me that there isn’t proven evidence that it works..
I find out that her husband and her daughter are doctors..so that explains why she is pro doctor..I mention other centers,,like Cancer Center of America..and she poo poos them..or anything alternative..I find it frustrating..because I have read after awhile medications stop working..I guess I won’t worry about it for now,,just not sure what to do anymore..other than just live..
I was trying alternatives for awhile but it’s Scarey doing it on your own …
I have been so busy trying to cure my Cancer and not be so depressed..I Have been taking my welbutrin..an anti depressant for over 2 weeks now..it seems like it’s starting to work..so now what.I have my doctor appts as usual and that’s taking care of my Cancer..
Ok now what..what do I do with my time,,now that I am taking meds to help the depression.,and will be taking a chemo pill to help shrink the tumors..now what am I suppose to do with my time..I haven’t been doing a lot of pet sitting lately because I don’t want to take on too much,,so I would have time for my appts..and in case I feel ill from the treatments ..
I am hoping the welbutrin helps to motivate me more and Balance me out so I want to do things..
I Can hear that song..waiting for the world to change..
I Feel like everyone is moving forward with their lives..while I am stuck in depression and cancer land..My boyfriend says well hopefully the Wellbutrin will kick in..it’s not magic..it can make some people more manic..
I was upset for most of the day because ricks daughter called me wanting the house number..It was her first day of high school…she wanted her grandma to come and get her..I offered but she just said she WOULd call and hung up..
I chose to pay her phone..and I guess sometimes I WOUld like to be appreciated..I am struggling enough finding my place In this world..trying to live this life…it’s not much of a life but it’s mine..
I guess I am hoping the Wellbutrin helps me,..but it isn’t magic..I guess I am not easy to get along with..
Here is picture of one of my TUMORS..it’s been bothering me lately..
I feel like I am being punished..maybe for whatever..and sometimes I wonder what am I fighting for..
I could exercise or walk more.. Make more of an effort..while I am waiting for a pill to help me live..like the social worker said..”You are who you are”