I try to tell myself to keep fighting..I wonder what I am fighting for..Yes I guess I am still dealing with depression..I have to push myself..I am still taking my welbutrin..I know it takes awhile..it’s been almost 4 weeks..I am still having trouble sleeping..I am still having trouble fighting for this life..Am I anyone special..no..I can list all the things wrong with me..I don’t have many people in my life..I am kinda tired of hearing how I am stronger than I think..perhaps..can I look at the positives..sure..
I Am not homeless..
I am not dying right now..
I have a voice..
That’s about all I can come up with right now..
Trying to work thru the worthless feelings..
I was thinking how I wish I had someone to just take care of me..I wish I had a place to go to to just get healed and be done with Cancer..Did I have issues before the cancer yes..? Did I have self esteem and self worth issues before? Did having Cancer magically change anything,,no..For awhile I was more at peace about the Cancer..but the change in hormonal medications have put me into menopause..I don’t know what to do with myself..
Rick was sitting with me before he left for work and was telling me about women he work with going thru Cancer..And in my mind I think,,well they aren’t stage 4..Not that stage 4 is worse than the other stages..When I was stage 2b it was just as scary..I was a bit relieved when I was stage 4 because I no longer needed to have surgery..Rick also mentioned about me going to his sister’s home in Florida for a little while to get away..He brought it up because I had mentioned about wishing I could go somewhere..He told me to me to look up flight info..It’s not cheap..about $400..would it solve anything..probably not..
For some reason I find blogging therapeutic..not sure if anyone finds interest in reading my thoughts..as I sit here typing on my iPad I think how lazy I am..I don’t have much responsibility..others are stronger than me..they are raising children,,still living their lives..1 Cancer patient I met recently who still works..yes I still do some pet sitting..just not sure what I am suppose to do…I am tired of looking up treatments..maybe I need a break from Cancer..