Archive | March 2015

Living my truth..


I have been told this many times..that I am not living my truth..and I am not sure what that means…does it mean I am stronger than I think..? I admit I have had a lot of struggles in this life..people have told me what they thought of me ..whether it was just a judgment from my appearance..I have had people smile and smIrk..Hmm smirk..a smirk is sorta a smile and laugh at the same time..like they are either better than you or something.l have gotten this many times in my life..I have had people not be able to make eye contact with me just based on how I look..sigh yes I wish I looked like a model or something but I don’t..and looks fade..yes I watch people and they do experiments on TV..the ones that are perceived good looking tend to get more attention..but do they really have it easier?

Here’s an example and I don’t claim to know her just what I have seen..Whitney Houston..had it all..a gift from God..her voice..beauty..fame..money..her life ended alone..in a bath tub..by herself..which is very tragic..because on the outside she had it all..did she have inner demons? I am sure..a drug problem? Yep..I think of her one song..didn’t we almost have it all?

http://youtu.be/i_4PlM85NJo

Yes ..Whitney..you almost had it all..I am sorry your life ended how it did..and now your daughter’s life..Life can be so challenging..why do some people seem to have it easier..or is it just an illusion..I use to think well pretty thin people just had an easier time..maybe they do..but I am sure they have challenges too..Maybe instead of being invisible..like how I feel many times..they maybe wish they were..so they could have some peace..I don’t know …I never had that problem..

I have lived my life learning how to survive in this world the best I could..did I settle? Did I do what was easy? Perhaps..And now I have stage 4 cancer..so I guess I have a choice..to get up and fight while I can..or just lay down and die..a wise online buddy I talk to ..told me about a friend of hers that also has stage 4 breast cancer..and how she has 8 kids and gets up everyday and goes to the gym and does kick boxing and fights back..Ok I don’t have 8 kids..or that many depending on me..But.,I do have a voice..ok I can’t sing..but I am pretty good at writing..so maybe I can use my words to help myself..and perhaps it can help others..

Perhaps that is my truth..to just be ME..I am beautiful..in my own quirky way..

  

will everyone think so..probably not..does it matter? Probably not..I was watching a video with a lady on the internet I admire..Shari Alyse..she does motivational videos..yes she has done videos looking pretty..with makeup and hair..but what I love about her is she also has done videos with her hair pulled back..no makeup..yesterday she did a video..no makeup..no hair.,well extra hair..she shared that she has alopecia and wears a wig..and she showed herself with no wig..yes she has hair..is she balding ..yes some..could this effect you self  esteem..ABSOLUTELY.. Especially as a woman where beauty seems to be so important..I thought she was brave to show herself to the world..as she sees herself in the mirror..did she do it for others..to approve her..probably not,,I think she did it to show others..hey just be you..and I was so inspired by her..

I am grateful I still have my hair..but I guess it’s similar to being a Cancer patient getting chemo or anything that life throws at you..here is another example ..Lizzy Valasquez..she is a woman that has a rare disorder that keeps her body from storing fat I believe..so she appears very thin..she had many challenges just by her appearance alone..but she had support from her family..had her faith..and found a way to live.,does she still have challenges I am sure..but like she says she uses her accomplishments to fight back at the bullies..

https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KLqIKfaBZVwXwANpe5mWRH;_ylu=X3oDMTBza2VqYWU4BHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDBGdwb3MDMTQ-?p=lizzie+velasquez&vid=1d732105c27f1a5fff660c1ec282ce5c&l=12%3A08&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts4.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DVN.608040230005637947%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsohGDfNQV7M&tit=I+Choose+To+Be+Happy+Lizzie+Velasquez+at+TEDxYouth%40Austin&c=13&sigr=11bhh5fkr&sigt=11poostr1&sigi=11rcohqnv&age=1370977761&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av&fr=ipad&tt=b

So maybe my truth is..to be the best Susan I can be..I have lived on this planet for 45 yrs..maybe it is time for me to just be me..however that may show up..like my wise Internet friend said “it’s time for me to stand up and fight for me” She didn’t just mean the Cancer..she meant fight for the life I have been given..maybe I am lazy..maybe I need to take better care of myself..one step at a time..life is about moments..I can focus on how bad I was treated or I can focus on how I want to live right now..

A new chapter..


So I decided to stop the pet sitting for now..or maybe forever..really need the break..I WAS THINKING of doing the reiki again..and focusing on Cancer patients,,and of course at a reduced fee or gas money..I feel led to do this..and maybe it will be healing for myself..I have been a pet sitter for over 20 yrs and they say to do what you are passionate about.,well I get so much joy with the reiki,,even if they just fall asleep..you know when it’s time..

Am I being selfish..


I really am not a selfish person..but I have Cancer.,I don’t get much sleep due to some pain and insomnia..I just don’t fight it anymore..if I sleep fine…if I don’t I read..I live with people and feel like it’s all about their lives..and I help when I can..all I have is my mom and brother.,yes they will help me financially sometimes..but if I don’t call them I won’t hear from them..I feel like I am screaming ..hey pay attention to me..Yes my friend Karen drove to take me to my first radiation appt yesterday..and I am appreciative of her..I just get scared..of dying..scared of dying alone like my dad did..

I just got done sitting in Rick’s mother’s living room listening to her talk about her life etc..yes it’s her home..and I am staying in her home..I don’t call her mom.,and honestly not sure where I belong anymore..I am not going to say they don’t do things for me..but there are problems every other second..with his teen..his mother’s health ..Rick has to worry about those two..and then there’s me..Honestly sometimes I wish I had money to buy an RV take my animals and run away..

Sigh.,I have tears in my eyes..which is a good thing..I haven’t been able to cry for months.,I guess my anti depressant is working..I feel like such a lazy person..some women work full time while getting treatment and raising children and I can barely take care of myself..and do some pet sitting and keep track of my doctor appts..I have my animals to look after and me..life doesn’t come with an instruction manual..

Friends..quality over quantity..


I have been told that it’s not the quantity but quality of friends..I only have a few close friends..and that’s ok..Most of my Facebook friends are people I have never met..and a few I have met from being on facebook..Yes you have to be careful in real life and online..but most people are kind …I am grateful for my one close friend who is driving over an hour to take me to my first radiation appointment..I am grateful for those on Facebook who have commented..read..prayed ..sent good thoughts..I admit I need to be a better sister..friend..girlfriend..daughter..but I can pray and pray as often as I can..Thank you for those who read my posts..blog entries..who have took the time to pray..

Be kind..


  

I have always had issues with my appearance..and others have let me know their issues with my appearance..and add being overweight..and now I have stage 4 breast cancer..some days I handle things better than others..add in new symptoms..headaches..nausea..fears of it spreading to the brain..beating myself up for the choices I have made in life and medically..I should make the most of my time..so for me writing is therapeutic..so if and when it is my time.,I will be able to leave my words..

Something I have always tried to do is to be kind..especially to strangers..making eye contact..speaking to them..because you never know..you maybe the only person that person sees or has someone to look them in the eyes..I feel this way many times..when people avoid eye contact.,maybe it is their issue..maybe they don’t want to look at me..whatever it is..I want to hold a sign sometimes that says please look me in the eyes..Maybe it doesn’t matter..but I know for me..since I can still see..I want to look at as much as I can..even if you don’t look me in the eye..or look down or away when you speak to me..if you catch yourself doing that to someone or if you see me..please don’t look away..we all want to be valued and loved..and facing Cancer on a daily basis is challenging..finding the strength to keep fighting in a world you never felt you belonged in is a challenge..

Yes I am grateful for this moment..for the breath in my lungs..I am saying a silent prayer for forgiveness for myself for being unkind to my mother on the phone yesterday..why is it easier for me to be kinder to a stranger than my own mother..maybe I have an excuse..I am scared of dying..my moods change..but I need to monitor myself..so sometimes all I have are my words..

Shopping has never been one of my favorite pass times..it really depends on how I feel..yesterday I decided to get pet food and some odds and ends at Target yesterday..the cashier was pleasant to everyone..even me..but he didn’t make much eye contact..it shouldn’t matter and I watched others..most didn’t care.,weren’t impressed with his personality..I even told him he has a great personality..he said ..me nah..it makes the customers happy…and I almost started to cry..but this is my emotional state at times.,Yes he is being paid ..I just noticed he seemed to make the effort..even with me..even if he didn’t want to look at me..he did..Just be kind..

While I was walking Molly a woman was walking a smaller dog..she asked if Molly was friendly..I said yes..but Molly was a bit freaked by this little dog..I was talking to the woman but she barely made eye contact..yes she was watching her dog..she did look up at me..I try to not let it bother me..but I watch people..I have always been fascinated by people..I know it shouldn’t matter..but I notice things..

I notice when I am out with other people how sometimes people won’t look at me and will look at the other person..I shouldn’t let it bother me but I do..when I went out to eat a few weeks ago with a friend and the waiter mainly spoke and looked at my friend..granted she spoke more ..I really didn’t want to go out.,it was her idea..I guess what got to me the most was at the end of our night.,he stood there and just talked to her like I wasn’t even there,,but said to her have a great night ladies..unfortunately this happens often.,and if I am by myself..I barely get looked at..

  

Please take the time to look into someone’s eyes and be kind..you might be their only human contact..they may live alone..have no family or friends..you just never know..maybe this is why I do pet sitting..maybe I have always felt more comfortable away from people..maybe that’s why sometimes I like animals better..

Having cancer has forced me to be around people more than I want to..I have to go to the hospital more than I want to..my mom said to me yesterday many people have Cancer..unfortunately true..but why does that not make me feel better..I wanted her to value my life,,and not clump me in with others..maybe as usual I am seeking love..walking around saying to myself please notice me..please love me.,please accept me..yes it shouldn’t matter.,yes I should love myself..I find myself questioning my existence and purpose many times.,..

The ironic part is I have always had compassion for people..even though my life was filled with so much meaness..maybe I deserved it..maybe I didn’t..Just be kind..we live in such a scary world..

The Rollercoaster of Life.,


  

This past week has been such a roller coaster of emotions.,fears..I am not always strong..and in this existence which is Susan.,I am led by how I feel..I still have days when I wake up and feel so overwhelmed..and have trouble pushing thru..Today seems to be a better day…The sun shining helps..I was thinking about the things I worry about which many times are not Cancer related..None of us are perfect..I will never be perfect..whatever that means..


This is the definition of perfect found on dictionary.com

4.

entirely without any flaws, defects, orshortcomings:

a perfect apple; the perfect crime.

WAithout flaws, defects or shortcomings…Well that’s not me or anyone..but I can be the best me I can be..for this moment..If at this moment I sit here in a tshirt and pajama bottoms..while I do my laundry.lthats ok..I use to try so hard to be “perfect”. I wouldn’t leave the house without a face full of makeup..since I have had Cancer.,,I wear very little makeup..oh well..so now you can see my flaws..oh well..I am not a size 6.. Oh well..I Am still alive..And I am doing the best I can for me..thank you God for this day..I wish you all a good day..