What to do at 3 am..


Well..might as well blog..I wish I could turn back the clock..

I wish I graduated college and did more with my life..

I wish I could go back to a time where dating was my biggest concern..

I wish I could go back to having my own apartment..There was satisfaction in coming home to a place you worked hard for..

Moving forward it’s tough to see a future..

Yes I should live in the here and now..

Sure..I have a roof over my head..which I may lose if they move to Florida..

I am trying to be strong and go thru the radiation and hope for the best..

I DONT HAVE a huge support system..but I guess it’s better than nothing..

It would be so easy to give up..and curl up in a ball somewhere..

Yes I do have a brother..but unless I go to my mom’s house..he doesn’t reach out to me..UNless I call over there..

Yes they have helped me financially..And they say I can go back home..but I don’t want to go back to die..

My mom is 79..I don’t want to be a burden on her..

Sometimes I wonder what I am fighting for..it’s been a challenge living in this body..when you get rejected for how you look..many times since I was younger..i did the best I could..I made a lot of dumb mistakes..

And even though I didn’t have a mastectomy ..my body will still be deformed from the tumors..yes there are worse things..I can walk..well barely..I have such heal pain lately it makes it difficult..

I have talked to Rick about getting married..I guess it doesn’t matter..I just thought at least when I do die I could say I married someone and someone wanted me..Rick said he spoke with someone at work..and was told if we married I could lose my medicaid because he makes too much..not sure if that’s true..maybe..

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