This isn’t Cancer related..I have always had issues with self worth and my appearance..yesterday I wasn’t feeling confident for several reasons..I am out of my comfort zone physically.. emotionally..Yes I am taking my Wellbutrin and it helps some..but I still have to deal with people if I want to survive..Which has always been a challenge for me..it shouldn’t matter how you look but unfortunately it does..and now I am dealing with life and death..I don’t have much of a support system..Rick did offer to go with me yesterday..but it probably wouldn’t have mattered..I get so use to things..I have been used to going to my regular oncologist and dealing with certain people.,now I have new people to deal with..most people probably don’t talk about this..but it’s so embarrassing having Breast cancer..at least with the medical oncologist I didn’t have to get undressed and show my Breast to anyone but I am learning that may have not been a good idea..because no one saw my Breast in this office..the largest tumor has broken thru the skin..because of this I decided to tell them at my oncologist office..who recommended I go to radiation..I am so over having Cancer..I am so over trying so hard to be here..now I am starting to be in more pain..maybe I should have had surgery to remove most of the tumors..maybe I should have done more to help myself naturally..
I think of when I was younger ..if only I stayed with some of the jobs I had..maybe I would have had extra money..maybe I would have an easier time now..I want to run away..yes there are issues in my personal life..where I live..my relationship..it’s just so stressful..maybe I should talk to someone professionally..honestly I have done that..I feel no one cares..I was seeing a Social worker who handles Breast cancer..but as usual I felt pushed aside..I am tired of trying to get people to notice or pay attention to me..Maybe this is why I do this blog..so my words can be seen..not only as a Breast cancer patient..as a person..as a human being..
I am just uncomfortable..right now it is 4 42 am and I am in my warm bed..I don’t have much pet sitting today..and I want to hang out in bed as long as I can..my left breast is throbbing..I have some pain where they tattooed me on my skin..I am thinking about the radiation I will be getting next week..and then thoughts of wishing I was prettier..smarter..keep popping up in my head..I wish I had more family..more friends to support me..
I miss having my own apartment..but I am not sure if I can handle it anymore..there is a social worker in the radiation dept..I just am tired..my boyfriend keeps thinking his daughter has aspbergers..it’s possible I have wondered that about myself ..life is so challenging..