I have always had issues with my appearance..and others have let me know their issues with my appearance..and add being overweight..and now I have stage 4 breast cancer..some days I handle things better than others..add in new symptoms..headaches..nausea..fears of it spreading to the brain..beating myself up for the choices I have made in life and medically..I should make the most of my time..so for me writing is therapeutic..so if and when it is my time.,I will be able to leave my words..
Something I have always tried to do is to be kind..especially to strangers..making eye contact..speaking to them..because you never know..you maybe the only person that person sees or has someone to look them in the eyes..I feel this way many times..when people avoid eye contact.,maybe it is their issue..maybe they don’t want to look at me..whatever it is..I want to hold a sign sometimes that says please look me in the eyes..Maybe it doesn’t matter..but I know for me..since I can still see..I want to look at as much as I can..even if you don’t look me in the eye..or look down or away when you speak to me..if you catch yourself doing that to someone or if you see me..please don’t look away..we all want to be valued and loved..and facing Cancer on a daily basis is challenging..finding the strength to keep fighting in a world you never felt you belonged in is a challenge..
Yes I am grateful for this moment..for the breath in my lungs..I am saying a silent prayer for forgiveness for myself for being unkind to my mother on the phone yesterday..why is it easier for me to be kinder to a stranger than my own mother..maybe I have an excuse..I am scared of dying..my moods change..but I need to monitor myself..so sometimes all I have are my words..
Shopping has never been one of my favorite pass times..it really depends on how I feel..yesterday I decided to get pet food and some odds and ends at Target yesterday..the cashier was pleasant to everyone..even me..but he didn’t make much eye contact..it shouldn’t matter and I watched others..most didn’t care.,weren’t impressed with his personality..I even told him he has a great personality..he said ..me nah..it makes the customers happy…and I almost started to cry..but this is my emotional state at times.,Yes he is being paid ..I just noticed he seemed to make the effort..even with me..even if he didn’t want to look at me..he did..Just be kind..
While I was walking Molly a woman was walking a smaller dog..she asked if Molly was friendly..I said yes..but Molly was a bit freaked by this little dog..I was talking to the woman but she barely made eye contact..yes she was watching her dog..she did look up at me..I try to not let it bother me..but I watch people..I have always been fascinated by people..I know it shouldn’t matter..but I notice things..
I notice when I am out with other people how sometimes people won’t look at me and will look at the other person..I shouldn’t let it bother me but I do..when I went out to eat a few weeks ago with a friend and the waiter mainly spoke and looked at my friend..granted she spoke more ..I really didn’t want to go out.,it was her idea..I guess what got to me the most was at the end of our night.,he stood there and just talked to her like I wasn’t even there,,but said to her have a great night ladies..unfortunately this happens often.,and if I am by myself..I barely get looked at..
Please take the time to look into someone’s eyes and be kind..you might be their only human contact..they may live alone..have no family or friends..you just never know..maybe this is why I do pet sitting..maybe I have always felt more comfortable away from people..maybe that’s why sometimes I like animals better..
Having cancer has forced me to be around people more than I want to..I have to go to the hospital more than I want to..my mom said to me yesterday many people have Cancer..unfortunately true..but why does that not make me feel better..I wanted her to value my life,,and not clump me in with others..maybe as usual I am seeking love..walking around saying to myself please notice me..please love me.,please accept me..yes it shouldn’t matter.,yes I should love myself..I find myself questioning my existence and purpose many times.,..
The ironic part is I have always had compassion for people..even though my life was filled with so much meaness..maybe I deserved it..maybe I didn’t..Just be kind..we live in such a scary world..