I have been told this many times..that I am not living my truth..and I am not sure what that means…does it mean I am stronger than I think..? I admit I have had a lot of struggles in this life..people have told me what they thought of me ..whether it was just a judgment from my appearance..I have had people smile and smIrk..Hmm smirk..a smirk is sorta a smile and laugh at the same time..like they are either better than you or something.l have gotten this many times in my life..I have had people not be able to make eye contact with me just based on how I look..sigh yes I wish I looked like a model or something but I don’t..and looks fade..yes I watch people and they do experiments on TV..the ones that are perceived good looking tend to get more attention..but do they really have it easier?
Here’s an example and I don’t claim to know her just what I have seen..Whitney Houston..had it all..a gift from God..her voice..beauty..fame..money..her life ended alone..in a bath tub..by herself..which is very tragic..because on the outside she had it all..did she have inner demons? I am sure..a drug problem? Yep..I think of her one song..didn’t we almost have it all?
Yes ..Whitney..you almost had it all..I am sorry your life ended how it did..and now your daughter’s life..Life can be so challenging..why do some people seem to have it easier..or is it just an illusion..I use to think well pretty thin people just had an easier time..maybe they do..but I am sure they have challenges too..Maybe instead of being invisible..like how I feel many times..they maybe wish they were..so they could have some peace..I don’t know …I never had that problem..
I have lived my life learning how to survive in this world the best I could..did I settle? Did I do what was easy? Perhaps..And now I have stage 4 cancer..so I guess I have a choice..to get up and fight while I can..or just lay down and die..a wise online buddy I talk to ..told me about a friend of hers that also has stage 4 breast cancer..and how she has 8 kids and gets up everyday and goes to the gym and does kick boxing and fights back..Ok I don’t have 8 kids..or that many depending on me..But.,I do have a voice..ok I can’t sing..but I am pretty good at writing..so maybe I can use my words to help myself..and perhaps it can help others..
Perhaps that is my truth..to just be ME..I am beautiful..in my own quirky way..
will everyone think so..probably not..does it matter? Probably not..I was watching a video with a lady on the internet I admire..Shari Alyse..she does motivational videos..yes she has done videos looking pretty..with makeup and hair..but what I love about her is she also has done videos with her hair pulled back..no makeup..yesterday she did a video..no makeup..no hair.,well extra hair..she shared that she has alopecia and wears a wig..and she showed herself with no wig..yes she has hair..is she balding ..yes some..could this effect you self esteem..ABSOLUTELY.. Especially as a woman where beauty seems to be so important..I thought she was brave to show herself to the world..as she sees herself in the mirror..did she do it for others..to approve her..probably not,,I think she did it to show others..hey just be you..and I was so inspired by her..
I am grateful I still have my hair..but I guess it’s similar to being a Cancer patient getting chemo or anything that life throws at you..here is another example ..Lizzy Valasquez..she is a woman that has a rare disorder that keeps her body from storing fat I believe..so she appears very thin..she had many challenges just by her appearance alone..but she had support from her family..had her faith..and found a way to live.,does she still have challenges I am sure..but like she says she uses her accomplishments to fight back at the bullies..
So maybe my truth is..to be the best Susan I can be..I have lived on this planet for 45 yrs..maybe it is time for me to just be me..however that may show up..like my wise Internet friend said “it’s time for me to stand up and fight for me” She didn’t just mean the Cancer..she meant fight for the life I have been given..maybe I am lazy..maybe I need to take better care of myself..one step at a time..life is about moments..I can focus on how bad I was treated or I can focus on how I want to live right now..