Archive | April 2015

Awake in the middle of the night..random thoughts..


Sigh ..fell asleep early been up since 11p..its now 1 42..I took an Advil..and put some Metronidazole gel on..the dr gave me a script for a cream but the pharmacy had to order it..I am now blistering..lots of fun..My skin under my arm pit is turning black..I have redness on my neck which is visible..my moods are up and down..My body is in chemical menopause from the Lupron shot I get..I still have 11 more sessions to goof radiation and in the last week or so I developed anxiety getting radiation..mainly when they do the bolus..which is this plastic gel thing they tape to the one tumor and place a thin blanket and two sheets of gold metal ..then taped to the table..I probably will take an ativan to try to keep me calm..they don’t like you taking ativan but I just won’t tell them.,and 1 @.5 mg. really doesn’t do much..

I am still taking my welbutrin for 12 weeks at a low dose..yes I can increase it.lbut I really didn’t want the extra side effects along with the side effects from the radiation..and quite honestly I think it’s NORMAL to have different moods..with all this going on..and up until about a month ago..I was still doing some pet sitting..now that I stopped for now..which is sorta good..I didn’t feel I could emotionally handle it and get radiation and I was right..I am having a rough time..but also the emotional part of not making the extra money..and the self worth..and living with my boyfriends family and feeling guilty that I don’t contribute more..so I share my go fund me site and was able to raise money for the electric bill and car insurance..

I feel so trapped in my life..I am so sick of begging..begging to survive.lbegging to be seen.,heard.,have a purpose..if I complain too much to the nurse navigator..Cancer support social workers..I get told go to a group..seek out a therapist..get your meds adjusted..I think it’s normal to have emotions..to have highs and lows..to get fricken angry..I don’t just start yelling at strangers or those I live with..yes I get snippy with my mom..and always end up apologizing at the end of the call ..again I think normal..whatever normal is..

I had a phone appointment with food stamps today..between 9-11 they called 11 45 am..but that’s ok,,they can keep us waiting right? And so fricken nasty and harsh , I felt like a damn criminal..Rick told me in the beginning.. I guess to say I lived alone ..but I did tell them it was an apt in a house..well today I slipped and said I live with him..this guy analyzed every word..asked if I got SSI ..if I paid rent..I get certain amount a month how long is that suppose to last..with 3 pets..and food stamps only covers food…so now a new packet of forms wanting info about ricks work is being sent and he refuses to give that info..so I may lose the food stamps..for umm being honest,,which you can’t be …and you are suppose to report cash etc to SSI..I am so tempted to just get a part time job but people tell me ..no you could lose your medicaid..

Oh and let’s not forget the contract that is being signed with the realtor to sell the home I am living in..yes I get it..his 82 yr old mother can’t afford the taxes..and the bills..I get it..that’s why I feel guilt for not doing more..well I do pay my cell phone and his daughters..the cable ..phone..Internet..and 200 towards the electric…with donations from a fundraiser..and the daily talks about moving to FLorida..and the argument I had with Rick..he doesn’t get how I feel and I feel bad being a burden..I do what I can..maybe not much these days..I barely go to the store and I let him use my food stamps..he buys stuff for all of us..I use to shop and buy stuff for myself..haven’t in awhile ..

I admit I don’t have many friends..I sit and talk to ricks 82 yr old mom and she just talks about everything..which usually makes me feel worse and I can’t always be a comfort for her..I have one close friend..and just people on Facebook I vent to..and the sympathetic staff in radiation..

I can move to my moms but not sure if that’s best..she is 79 and frail..and doesn’t know what to say to me..I have my dog and cats..not even sure if I am up to moving..I have a brother that lives with my mom..when I speak with him I get the same monotone voice..with no emotion…yes he works full time..and he doesn’t know what to say or do..it probably would be good for me to be there to look after her..

I have an appt on Monday with a social worker from Jewish family services who I waited several weeks to hear back from..not sure if I will keep it.,but they do have a psychiatrist on staff..

Also reading about women in the facebook group I am in that are given weeks or months to live..and those that have passed..just makes me think of my own mortality.,,self worth..

So is it normal to have highs and lows..YES FRICKEN YES..I think I would be weird if things didn’t bother me..I am just tired of everything being difficult..I am done looking for magical health cures..quite honestly I don’t know if it works..I have spoken to people who ate organic..and the Cancer still took their lives..I believe in doing the best you can..can I do better..yes..should I change back to all natural cleaning products and shampoos..and soaps..probably..but it’s expensive..blah..

Then I look at ricks mom 82..uses mr clean to wash her floors..sprays Lysol in the air..uses febreeze..eats red meat..eggs..drinks whole milk ..eats butter..only difference..she doesn’t use a cell phone..could the cell phones cause Cancer..Hmm.. 

 

Frustration..one of my favorite F words..


I was reading a post on Facebook from a lady also fighting Cancer..and can relate to her frustration..as I type this I am sitting on hold waiting to speak to someone about my food stamps..I don’t mean to sound ungrateful..I HATE ALL OF THIS..I hate begging for help.,I hate begging to be heard.l hate being in pain from radiation..I hate feeling cornered and not feeling like I have an answer..am I sitting around just waiting to die? IF I DO THE RIGHT THING..and depend on SSI ..I am thinking of just going to get a regular job..I think I can hang on to my Medicaid..ok I just got thru to food stamps…why do they make it so difficult..in the last year I have been on food stamps,,before that I always bought my own food..I have been a pet sitter for 20 yrs and did this up until about a month ago..I am sorry if this offends anyone ..the people  answering the phone  for assistance really sound ignorant..yes I wanted to get the damn phone interview done with and realized the time they gave me I may be in radiation..I was able to schedule a time next week..I wanted to tell her to shove her food stamps up her butt..I keep contemplating if I should just try to get a job,but with the dr appts..radiation.,feeling crappy..not even sure what I can do at this point..I just got done placing my fundraiser in different areas and was so thankful to get 339 dollars that was used towards car insurance and helping pay the electric bill..I am thinking about getting rid of my car..I feel like a little animal being cornered..again I don’t want to sound ungrateful..I admire the women getting radiation and are working full time..yes I am still taking my anti depressant..it is working some..but pills can only do so much..I don’t care if I am on 3 different pills..it’s very frustrating trying to survive..I am grateful I have a roof over my head for now..and can move back to my mother’s ..I will be 46 in a week..I am trying to be hopeful and enjoy the little things..

When life gives you lemons..


Make lemonade..or suck on the lemons and taste the bitterness..yes we make our own path..sometimes we end up on top ,sometimes we hit rock bottom..I think I am at my bottom.,although I don’t feel sad..thanks to my welbutrin..I am sitting in bed..so I thankful for a roof over my head for the moment..we do the best we can with each moment..

Oh,,all the coulda .,shouldas..would as come up.,I admit I am bad with money..and didn’t always make wise decisions..maybe if I stuck with jobs in the past I WOULd at least have work history and credits toward disability currently..but how many people think,,well I might be disabled 20 yrs from now.,I never thought that much into the future.,maybe I should have.

Maybe if I finished college I would at least have an associates degree..and work in social work or something to show for it..Maybe if I moved to Charlotte years ago when my friend Val tried to get me to.,my life would be different..who knows..but this is where I am..I pray and ask the Angels for guidance daily..writing helps..sharing my go fund me account helps..walking my dog helps..going outside and taking a breath of air into my lungs help..

Thank you God for this moment,,for this breath.,some how some way things will be ok.,

Please read my go fund me site..share..give.,pray..blessings..

http://www.gofundme.com/rg244w

Finding my way..


I posted a question in the facebook Cancer support group I am in..and 2 people commented I should get my meds adjusted..you can’t be totally doped up..yes I feel some what better..but the situation is what it is..I have stage 4 breast cancer..yes I could try eatting raw foods again..maybe that will help..but the main issue is dealing with life struggles..

I am soon to be 46 and at a pretty low point..I am still receiving radiation.,not sure if it is helping..I live in someone else’s home that maybe up for sell soon..My mother says I can come home but I feel like I need permission ..and she gives excuses..honestly I haven’t lived at home for 15 yrs..I can’t really afford my own place currently..Rick may go to Florida with his mom..

I am on SSI and really not suppose to be earning money..so I feel totally stuck..I don’t want to be a burden on anyone..I don’t have many friends or places to go.,My mom tells me about the rabbi from her temple who passed away from Breast cancer,,and how my brother was sorta upset over this..yes it’s sad she died..she had a family..she was my age..but my brother acts like she was family..Geez his sister has Cancer.,he never calls..my mom seems annoyed when I talk about moving back home..

I am just so sick of being pushed aside..do you think I want to go back home ..and feel like a total loser that I can’t really work,,I mean I could do pet sitting but I am not suppose to be earning money or could go to jail..Hmm jail and Cancer,,not a good idea..I try to push things aside..but I feel I need a plan..yes they might not sell the house..but there is so much stress here..I would like an easy button for once..

I don’t like putting up GO fund me accounts begging for help..or trying to get a counselor that I can afford without a waiting list..what did I do to deserve this..sometimes I feel punished..just not sure where to turn..I feel cornered and not happy about it..

Cancer changes you..


  

Cancer..indeed does change you..physically ..emotionally..spiritually..

Physically..in many ways.l haven’t lost my hair or had the need to shave it..I also didn’t have surgery..But I have numbness in my left arm from the tumors ..my left breast is deformed and I haven’t had any surgery..The largest tumor is under the Breast and pulls at the skin..the radiation oncologist didn’t seem to think it would go back to normal..whatever normal is..

I was told to have a mastectomy in Jan 2013…who knows if I did if I still wouldn’t be dealing with this now..although it was an earlier stage..I can’t change this..all I can do is move FORWARD..

I still have my ups and downs..I still take my anti depressant now for 10 weeks..I may need to increase the dose..

I was reading the story of a local newscaster who had early stage Breast cancer..she had a lumpectomy..radiation..and is on tamoxifen..its all good information to help people..she makes it seem easy..it really isn’t..

My life has so many uncertainties ..I can sit here and think about all the mistakes I made..should have done this or that..should have saved money so I wouldn’t be worried about it now..

As I sit here my anxiety seems to have come back some..but comes and goes..I still let things bother me..such as when people aren’t friendly Or don’t make eye contact with me..But I am what I am..right now I am overweight..alive..I try to look the best I can..will I ever be a beauty queen ..no..

Will life always be a challenge for me..probably..but I do have to give myself a pat on the back when I do kind things for others ..I mentioned a nurse in a previous post..who took the time to listen to me.,I mentioned to her about my crafts and she asked me to bring them in,,I came back for my treatment yesterday and collected my money for the earrings she wanted..she mentioned she liked another set I made..and I gave the angel earrings to her as a gift,,she wanted to give me money for it..but I wouldnt take it..when someone is kind to me even if it’s their job I don’t forget..because they don’t have to..

During this entire journey it’s been such a challenge..I am so use to being on my own and private and choosing when I am around others..having Cancer has forced me to go to the hospital more than I would ever want to..it has forced me to be around people more than I choose..

Having cancer hasn’t made life easier..it has made it tougher..all the challenges I have had getting along with others at work places..my own mood changes..which could have always been hormone related..who knows..to always feeling pushed aside for whatever reason..I feel like I am continuing fighting to be acknowledged..heard..seen..to live this life..

A shoulder to lean on..


Yesterday I had a breakdown..maybe I have always had one..well I sat crying in the examination room..the doctor was suppose to meet with me, but was called away and wasn’t available ..Colleen was the nurse that asked me if I wanted to go over the medical exam part or wait until tomorrow..I told her that it might help to talk to someone because of how I was feeling..On my way to my appointment I prayed in my car that God and the Angels would give me a sign and show me their presence ..and kept saying God help me..God help me..

This kind nurse..no an earth angel..sat with me while I cried and talked..I just told her that I felt invisible and I thanked her for taking the time to make eye contact with me and acknowledge me..she was very sympathetic..she asked if she could hug me and gave me a nice big hug.,She said she couldn’t take away how I was feeling and said how she admired us Cancer patients how we can walk around with a smile with everything we go thru and how we are her hero..she shared how she worked in hospice..and we just continued to talk..She also shared how she wasn’t suppose to be there..that she was done with work an hour ago,but stayed on.,her gut told her to stay..I told her how I prayed for a sign and maybe she was it..and the fact that she gave me her time to talk to me and didn’t even have to be there..So I just wanted to acknowledge this wonderful nurse who made eye contact and gave kindness and didn’t have to..she didn’t have to sit and talk to me..she could have just told me to talk with a counselor or go to a support group..

  

Sharing my thoughts from yesterday..


Anyone else awake…?

I had a break down in the radiation oncologist office yesterday,,I was crying..the nurse was sympathetic,,,and handed me the number for crisis care..because I told her I felt like giving up..I am taking wellbutrin almost 10 weeks now..maybe it’s not really working..i don’t have children or a husband..the nurse said to me..well who is there for you..I have one close friend..my mom..I have a boyfriend..I am on a waiting list for counseling..I gave up my pet sitting for now..but only have SSI supplemental coming in..not enough to live on..532 a month..yes I live with people but I pay a cable bill for them..I felt so invisible yesterday..I went out with my boyfriend for a drive..we went for pizza..the staff just spoke to him even at the table..later in the day I sat on the porch where I live and the mailman put the mail in the box and didn’t acknowledge me..yes I have had issues before Cancer..but it gets tougher some days..so easy to just give up..do the words from that nurse stick in my head..who is there for you..when I mention well I have my boyfriend ..a brother I am not close to..she says well they are men..my boyfriend has his mom and 15 yr old to worry about..i went to radiation alone because he had to go drive over an hour to go rescue his daughter from her mother’s home..not sure what happened but she was pretty upset..not sure if anyone here can relate to me..