Ok now what..


I will be getting my 7th session of radiation..I am hoping the radiation is helping..I have 28 more sessions to go..I am trying to be optimistic..some days are better than others..my anti depressant is doing what it’s suppose to do..So I use this blog as a way to express my feelings so I don’t feel so weak..useless or powerless..I still have several tumors in my body..one has come to the surface and has an odor..Hopefully the radiation will help to shrink it..

I still wake up daily in disbelief that this is my life..as I sit here with my faithful companions..It is so easy to curl up in a ball and just get depressed…and I still get sad..wondering what I am fighting for..Questioning my value as a person..I have a roof over my head..I have some food to eat..clothing to wear..a car to drive..I am on SSI..and grateful for the assistance I get..I am just not sure what to do next..I have my radiation appt later this afternoon..

I still pray daily for wisdom..but honestly..sometimes I wonder if there is a God..why is there so much suffering? Sometimes I think I should just go back to work..but what if I get sick and can’t work..will an employer understand that I have to take days off to go to the hospital..many times during the month..I can sit here and beat myself up for my choices..or I can say ok..now what..what can I do?

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