Cancer..indeed does change you..physically ..emotionally..spiritually..
Physically..in many ways.l haven’t lost my hair or had the need to shave it..I also didn’t have surgery..But I have numbness in my left arm from the tumors ..my left breast is deformed and I haven’t had any surgery..The largest tumor is under the Breast and pulls at the skin..the radiation oncologist didn’t seem to think it would go back to normal..whatever normal is..
I was told to have a mastectomy in Jan 2013…who knows if I did if I still wouldn’t be dealing with this now..although it was an earlier stage..I can’t change this..all I can do is move FORWARD..
I still have my ups and downs..I still take my anti depressant now for 10 weeks..I may need to increase the dose..
I was reading the story of a local newscaster who had early stage Breast cancer..she had a lumpectomy..radiation..and is on tamoxifen..its all good information to help people..she makes it seem easy..it really isn’t..
My life has so many uncertainties ..I can sit here and think about all the mistakes I made..should have done this or that..should have saved money so I wouldn’t be worried about it now..
As I sit here my anxiety seems to have come back some..but comes and goes..I still let things bother me..such as when people aren’t friendly Or don’t make eye contact with me..But I am what I am..right now I am overweight..alive..I try to look the best I can..will I ever be a beauty queen ..no..
Will life always be a challenge for me..probably..but I do have to give myself a pat on the back when I do kind things for others ..I mentioned a nurse in a previous post..who took the time to listen to me.,I mentioned to her about my crafts and she asked me to bring them in,,I came back for my treatment yesterday and collected my money for the earrings she wanted..she mentioned she liked another set I made..and I gave the angel earrings to her as a gift,,she wanted to give me money for it..but I wouldnt take it..when someone is kind to me even if it’s their job I don’t forget..because they don’t have to..
During this entire journey it’s been such a challenge..I am so use to being on my own and private and choosing when I am around others..having Cancer has forced me to go to the hospital more than I would ever want to..it has forced me to be around people more than I choose..
Having cancer hasn’t made life easier..it has made it tougher..all the challenges I have had getting along with others at work places..my own mood changes..which could have always been hormone related..who knows..to always feeling pushed aside for whatever reason..I feel like I am continuing fighting to be acknowledged..heard..seen..to live this life..