Awake in the middle of the night..random thoughts..


Sigh ..fell asleep early been up since 11p..its now 1 42..I took an Advil..and put some Metronidazole gel on..the dr gave me a script for a cream but the pharmacy had to order it..I am now blistering..lots of fun..My skin under my arm pit is turning black..I have redness on my neck which is visible..my moods are up and down..My body is in chemical menopause from the Lupron shot I get..I still have 11 more sessions to goof radiation and in the last week or so I developed anxiety getting radiation..mainly when they do the bolus..which is this plastic gel thing they tape to the one tumor and place a thin blanket and two sheets of gold metal ..then taped to the table..I probably will take an ativan to try to keep me calm..they don’t like you taking ativan but I just won’t tell them.,and 1 @.5 mg. really doesn’t do much..

I am still taking my welbutrin for 12 weeks at a low dose..yes I can increase it.lbut I really didn’t want the extra side effects along with the side effects from the radiation..and quite honestly I think it’s NORMAL to have different moods..with all this going on..and up until about a month ago..I was still doing some pet sitting..now that I stopped for now..which is sorta good..I didn’t feel I could emotionally handle it and get radiation and I was right..I am having a rough time..but also the emotional part of not making the extra money..and the self worth..and living with my boyfriends family and feeling guilty that I don’t contribute more..so I share my go fund me site and was able to raise money for the electric bill and car insurance..

I feel so trapped in my life..I am so sick of begging..begging to survive.lbegging to be seen.,heard.,have a purpose..if I complain too much to the nurse navigator..Cancer support social workers..I get told go to a group..seek out a therapist..get your meds adjusted..I think it’s normal to have emotions..to have highs and lows..to get fricken angry..I don’t just start yelling at strangers or those I live with..yes I get snippy with my mom..and always end up apologizing at the end of the call ..again I think normal..whatever normal is..

I had a phone appointment with food stamps today..between 9-11 they called 11 45 am..but that’s ok,,they can keep us waiting right? And so fricken nasty and harsh , I felt like a damn criminal..Rick told me in the beginning.. I guess to say I lived alone ..but I did tell them it was an apt in a house..well today I slipped and said I live with him..this guy analyzed every word..asked if I got SSI ..if I paid rent..I get certain amount a month how long is that suppose to last..with 3 pets..and food stamps only covers food…so now a new packet of forms wanting info about ricks work is being sent and he refuses to give that info..so I may lose the food stamps..for umm being honest,,which you can’t be …and you are suppose to report cash etc to SSI..I am so tempted to just get a part time job but people tell me ..no you could lose your medicaid..

Oh and let’s not forget the contract that is being signed with the realtor to sell the home I am living in..yes I get it..his 82 yr old mother can’t afford the taxes..and the bills..I get it..that’s why I feel guilt for not doing more..well I do pay my cell phone and his daughters..the cable ..phone..Internet..and 200 towards the electric…with donations from a fundraiser..and the daily talks about moving to FLorida..and the argument I had with Rick..he doesn’t get how I feel and I feel bad being a burden..I do what I can..maybe not much these days..I barely go to the store and I let him use my food stamps..he buys stuff for all of us..I use to shop and buy stuff for myself..haven’t in awhile ..

I admit I don’t have many friends..I sit and talk to ricks 82 yr old mom and she just talks about everything..which usually makes me feel worse and I can’t always be a comfort for her..I have one close friend..and just people on Facebook I vent to..and the sympathetic staff in radiation..

I can move to my moms but not sure if that’s best..she is 79 and frail..and doesn’t know what to say to me..I have my dog and cats..not even sure if I am up to moving..I have a brother that lives with my mom..when I speak with him I get the same monotone voice..with no emotion…yes he works full time..and he doesn’t know what to say or do..it probably would be good for me to be there to look after her..

I have an appt on Monday with a social worker from Jewish family services who I waited several weeks to hear back from..not sure if I will keep it.,but they do have a psychiatrist on staff..

Also reading about women in the facebook group I am in that are given weeks or months to live..and those that have passed..just makes me think of my own mortality.,,self worth..

So is it normal to have highs and lows..YES FRICKEN YES..I think I would be weird if things didn’t bother me..I am just tired of everything being difficult..I am done looking for magical health cures..quite honestly I don’t know if it works..I have spoken to people who ate organic..and the Cancer still took their lives..I believe in doing the best you can..can I do better..yes..should I change back to all natural cleaning products and shampoos..and soaps..probably..but it’s expensive..blah..

Then I look at ricks mom 82..uses mr clean to wash her floors..sprays Lysol in the air..uses febreeze..eats red meat..eggs..drinks whole milk ..eats butter..only difference..she doesn’t use a cell phone..could the cell phones cause Cancer..Hmm.. 

 

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