I remember the line from the Fault in our stars..where Gus says to Hazel..that he wanted to be special..and she says he is special..then she says..”Gus this is your life ..you get me your family..and this world..if that’s not enough for you then I m sorry”..
I guess I am waiting for something wonderful to happen and what do they say..life happens when we are making other plans.,I have spent most of my life seeking love..for a companion..friend..lover..to be loved..accepted..I recently moved from where I was staying for 4 yrs..I was hoping it would be more than what it was,,and many times I felt alone and fighting Cancer all by myself,,although I lived with people who were to preoccupied with their lives..
And now I am back in my home town and with my family..so in that regards I am blessed..I could be homeless or totally alone..and I do have my pets..who are my children and I hugged them when no one else was around..Would I still like the love of my life and live like I am dying..well this is my life and there is no waiting around for that magical person..so I guess I need to be that magical person to myself and enjoy each day I am given..as we all should..
As I sit here on my bed with my sweet Mitzi..listening to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw sing ..Like we never loved at all..soothing my anxious heart..and giving me a moment of peace..admist the piles of stuff in my room that need to be sorted thru. The house I live in is being sold..I can go to my mother’s..but I still feel a bit broken and trying to find moments of peace..Moving digs everything up some more..you are forced to get rid of things or bring those things to your next residence.. And feeling uncertain about the future..
This is the title of my blog..which has been my outlet to pour out my feelings..let tears stream down my face for every ounce of life I have in me..I want to wave the white flag..and say ok world you win..You got me..I am sitting here crying out to God literally to please help..I feel so small like the little worm I saw on the deck last night..I feel like I am screaming please acknowledge my being..yes I get well meaning hang in there’s and praying for you from Facebook friends..Yes everyone has their own problems and families and friends..Rick’s mom is in her kitchen cleaning,,I have tried to talk to her…but she has a short attention span..and the conversation quickly goes back to her house and her family..but I am in her home..so not sure what I expect..the reason I came here 4 yrs ago was in hopes of having a future with her son..to be included in a family..yes they would try some, but I usually felt uncomfortable..but not fitting in seems to be my speciality..
I have felt like I was just living in someone’s home for some time now..I did try to contribute whether trying to give his mother money and feeling pushed aside by her words saying you don’t have to..when I know she needed it..even up to lately running a fundraiser begging for money so that they could keep their electric on..His mother is very proud..and so am I..I have no dignity left..after 35 sessions of radiation and constantly showing my bruised disfigured Breast to practically all the staff in the radiation dept,.crying my eyes out to them and almost being shipped to the mental ward in Their trenton hospital..maybe I am crazy..maybe this is all my karma for every bad word that has come out of my mouth..maybe this is what I deserve,..
I feel so very alone at this moment..I have called so many counselors…psychics..and people would say well what about your boyfriend..I don’t even have him..for the longest time he was against me going to my mom’s..now all he says is to go there..I don’t even want to call her today..I have so much guilt and shame for the way I speak to her..bothering them to help me..being a bother to anyone..why is it when other people get Cancer..they have fundraisers in their name.,people send them flowers and gifts..and for me I guess they think well someone else will help her..even my only friend..is turning her back on me..she once said I could stay with her now,,she says I am too far away…I never asked to stay with her,,I just vent..
I really am a caring person..I met a girl over the weekend whose mother is dying of cancer..she answered my post about looking for a room..and I was going to offer to help her mom without even living there..I have helped Rick’s mom as much as I could..when her cat died..I boxed her up and took her to the pet crematory..I took his mom to the dr 2 weeks ago..I have given her cash when I didn’t have it..and had to fight her for her to take it..I guess I was thinking once radiation was done I could figure out if I should work or something..yes I had my ups and downs and with Rick..I feel like he is moving on with out me..and maybe that’s how it should be..but I can’t help but feel hurt.,I didn’t live here for free..many times he’d say go live with your mom where you can live for free…this wifi I am using is what I pay for from my SSI..which I don’t know if I will continue..especially if I go back to my moms..I just feel totally kicked in the face..beat up and slammed on the floor..bruised..battered..and lifeless..I am so tired of trying to get people to like me love me..his coworkers would say..what a good man he is…sticking by me..he’s not…his latest plans are to go to Florida with his mom..but he is back and forth on that too.,yes he has a lot of pressure and has to look out for her..but she has his 2 sisters..her 2 sisters..lots of people to support her..
I have people arguing with me and asking me who my support is..guess I don’t deserve any..I don’t mean to bother my mom..I just don’t have anywhere else to go…but she will say I have to decide..doing nothing is easier..but doesn’t solve anything..so what do you do at your lowest point.? I pray..cry my eyes out..and hope maybe just maybe things will start to turn around..
Tired of begging people..I spent most of the day crying..on the phone with my mom…trying to move back home..and feeling like I am a burden.,or an inconvenience..
Yes I have animals..and it’s almost flea season..I don’t have flea and tick products on them and my mom worries about fleas in the house because I brought them in a few years ago from my dog..where I currently live the house is up for sale..I don’t even have a relationship..I live with someone that is more a roommate than anything..when I talk to him about a future he says he doesn’t know what to do for me,,he can’t afford to get a place here..yes he has to worry about his 82 yr old mom and moving to Florida..I just feel so lost..yes the house isn’t sold yet..and I am getting myself all upset..I haven’t lived in my mom’s home in 16 yrs..
I admit I can be difficult to get along with..but I admit I am scared to death..scared of dying..constantly being asked who is your support system..yes I have my mom and brother..but they don’t go out of their way..I have to always go over there..I just got done having a discussion with Rick..people will say well what about your boyfriend..what about him..he’s not asking to marry me.,I pray and pray for guidance..
What I really would like is my own family.,which I can’t seem to achieve.,I tried..no one can ever say I didn’t try.,tonight Rick said I am always looking for someone to help me.,I just feel no one wants me..well recently yes..I worry about dying..yes I can search for some magical cure,,I am just tired..and it’s not depression..it’s just frustration..my biggest fear is that I am going to be bedridden or in a hospital bed all by myself. No one to visit me..and end up dying alone..
This was me banging the gong at the hospital yesterday completing radiation..I received 35 radiation sessions..this was very difficult for me.,it was emotional and physical..Honestly I didn’t think I could do it..Yes..all I had to do was lay there and the techs did the work..but laying there was tough with the different stages of burning decaying skin..I fought having radiation done and had no idea what it was like..I didn’t have the option of surgery and honestly I didn’t want it..my medical oncologist recommended radiation to burn away the largest tumor that broke thru the skin..most of it is gone and I will find out in June from my pet scan how it did..
Ever since Nov 15,2012 my life has been a nightmare I can’t wake up from..some days I try to not think about Cancer and just act like it’s not there.,and most times I would forget about it until I would feel a pain in my left Breast,,it’s so barbaric what the doctors put you thru when you have Cancer..this is why I tried natural remedies ..I like what Anita Moorjani said about if you believe natural will work for you and you have support it will..I haven’t had a lot of support in general..maybe eventually that will change..
Finishing radiation felt amazing for the moment..but in The back of my mind I am thinking ok..what’s next? What treatment is next? I like what Anita Moorjani said about allowing..and letting go..and sometimes I think I would be ok with dying..I have thought about death since I was a teen..now being faced with it and reading the stories of others with stage 4 passing..I wonder ok when is my time..and then reading AnIta Moojani’s story about the tumors being lemon size..and how she died and came back..is a miracle..and her message how dying taught her how to live..I so relate to her story..being afraid of everything and everyone..I live a pretty lonely existence..maybe this will change..
Yes this photo is blurry..it was actually taken by mistake but fits how I feel..no I am not depressed at this moment..just feel disconnected from everyone..maybe I always have..maybe I do have aspbergers they feel like they are from another planet..I don’t really feel that way..as much I keep trying to fit in a world that doesn’t want me..maybe this is my lot in life..I mean my life has always been a struggle..I don’t know why I thought having Cancer would change things..maybe it’s just me ..the neighbors where I live aren’t friendly to me but the one wife will ask my boyfriend how I am instead of talking to me..my brother says to me on Mother’s Day that he is like my dad and doesn’t show his emotions.,well gee don’t you think maybe it’s time you changed this..he said he does care,,but he doesn’t do much to show it.,yes he offered to come to my last radiation session because he saw on a Cancer commercial the person ringing a bell..although he hasn’t gone to any of my radiation sessions.,or been there much at all for me..other than giving me money for holidays and birthdays..
I was thinking today maybe it’s how I look..or my energy.,I seem to repel people,.i never had that magical touch that people were drawn to me..
Usually the opposite and people would be very cruel..and someone else could do the same thing I do just stand there quietly and people act differently..
I was also thinking today..that I am basically homeless..I live with people but it’s not my home and I have no control over what they do with it..I feel I don’t have control over my own life,,not much money..the Cancer people will say well just go on SSDI..well I can’t because I don’t have enough credits..so do I just go back to work and just work until I drop..
People will say well what about your boyfriend.,I don’t know..I don’t have much of a connection with him either these days..other people I talk to have supportive husbands and boyfriends who don’t leave their side if they end up in the hospital..I probably would be alone..I usually am..
So I go to support group on Monday..the social worker could barely look at me and WOUld do this weird eye thing.,she WOUld look at me then take her eyes and look else where..or briefly look at me and talk to the girl next to me and make full eye contact..I know I am not the prettiest..some may say ugly..I have heard them all.and people not making eye contact with me gets old..probably why I am happier away from people..
I look at myself in the mirror..yes I need to lose weight..but I don’t think I look terrible..I am just tired of trying so hard..where some people don’t need to make an effort..just pisses me off and I get told well be positive..be strong.,smile..make an effort.,fuck you..you be strong..or step into my shoes for one day..
I wrote this in someone’s timeline and decided to copy it and post it on my blog and add to it..
Wow truly amazing..I have thought about suicide so many times..even as of yesterday..so I decided to increase my anti depressant..honestly sometimes I wonder what I am fighting for what is my purpose..I never fit in.,no matter how hard I tried…now with stage 4 breast cancer I still don’t fit..I don’t have a family or kids..not many would miss me honestly..I can count the number on one hand.,yes it’s better than nothing.,so I pray for guidance from the Angels…GOD…do you ever wonder if all this exists..I do ..and continuously ask to be shown a sign something..in the past I did get signs..I would ask the Angels for a sign and feathers were left in odd places..but I could see where it came from,,I had dream catchers on the wall..but you WOuld have to really tug to get the feathers out,.havent had many signs since..or maybe I just don’t see it..
This morning I don’t feel as sad or as worthless..not sure if the pill increase worked that quickly..maybe I am more relaxed..its 6 am on a Saturday…I have the ceiling fan going..my cat Mitzi is at the foot of the bed..My cat CHARLIE is on the window sill looking out..the birds are singing..and I can hear my wind chime gently chiming..its cloudy out..I can hear Rick snoring..I can hear his mother in the other room yawning..when she yawns she makes noise like a bear..or will say “oh God”..I am actually enjoying this moment…still hearing the birds from the open window..no thoughts of reality or the real world.,I can hear some vehicles going by on the next street over..but otherwise quiet..Ahh if life could be this simple..just not worry..Ahh well at least I have this moment..before the house wakes up.,I can hear a spoon drop on the counter in the other kitchen..as his mom makes herself a cup of tea..
Just to be in this moment..I can hear Nelson breathing as he sleeps on the floor..ahh I wish I was as sound as a sleep as my dog..I can still hear the birds chirping away.,as I take a deep breath and can hear my own breathing..Angels please give me a sign..that you are here…that my life has value of some kind..I am not as sad as I was..and the thoughts of just letting my body die or helping it along are as strong as they were..and the thoughts of well no one cares ..are a bit less..I CARE..and maybe if all I have is my own breath..and awareness..at this moment..maybe that is enough.,
Is the for sale sign still out in front of the house.. .? Yes..standing tall and proud..are the money issues in this home still there? Yes it didn’t go away overnight..Did my Cancer magically get healed? No..but I am still here.,still breathing..did I accomplish much so far this morning.,nah..just went to the bathroom..took my pill..and am now sitting in bed..the dishes are still piled up in the kitchen..my cat is still by the foot of the bed washing herself..I turned the ceiling fan off since I was getting cold,,and I can hear his mother’s TV on watching the news..I can hear my cat CHARLIE scratching on his scratching post..and a bird is loudly singing her song,,I still have this moment..no one complaining about selling this house,,or the realtor calling to confirm people coming to look at the home..my boyfriend isn’t scurrying around quite yet to do errands.,it’s still quiet outside..the rest of the world isn’t up yet.,I can hear an owl and some other birds singing..and my cat washing herself..
Have I magically came up with any answers? Nope not a one..I am thinking of Mother’s Day..and to get something for the moms..I can hear the train whistle in the distance as it gets closer..maybe the answers will come how to solve the money problems.,or where to live or how to survive or how to be happy..or whether I should move back with my mom.,although I am not sure I want that or she wants that..shh mind be quiet for a moment..