I wrote this in someone’s timeline and decided to copy it and post it on my blog and add to it..
Wow truly amazing..I have thought about suicide so many times..even as of yesterday..so I decided to increase my anti depressant..honestly sometimes I wonder what I am fighting for what is my purpose..I never fit in.,no matter how hard I tried…now with stage 4 breast cancer I still don’t fit..I don’t have a family or kids..not many would miss me honestly..I can count the number on one hand.,yes it’s better than nothing.,so I pray for guidance from the Angels…GOD…do you ever wonder if all this exists..I do ..and continuously ask to be shown a sign something..in the past I did get signs..I would ask the Angels for a sign and feathers were left in odd places..but I could see where it came from,,I had dream catchers on the wall..but you WOuld have to really tug to get the feathers out,.havent had many signs since..or maybe I just don’t see it..
This morning I don’t feel as sad or as worthless..not sure if the pill increase worked that quickly..maybe I am more relaxed..its 6 am on a Saturday…I have the ceiling fan going..my cat Mitzi is at the foot of the bed..My cat CHARLIE is on the window sill looking out..the birds are singing..and I can hear my wind chime gently chiming..its cloudy out..I can hear Rick snoring..I can hear his mother in the other room yawning..when she yawns she makes noise like a bear..or will say “oh God”..I am actually enjoying this moment…still hearing the birds from the open window..no thoughts of reality or the real world.,I can hear some vehicles going by on the next street over..but otherwise quiet..Ahh if life could be this simple..just not worry..Ahh well at least I have this moment..before the house wakes up.,I can hear a spoon drop on the counter in the other kitchen..as his mom makes herself a cup of tea..
Just to be in this moment..I can hear Nelson breathing as he sleeps on the floor..ahh I wish I was as sound as a sleep as my dog..I can still hear the birds chirping away.,as I take a deep breath and can hear my own breathing..Angels please give me a sign..that you are here…that my life has value of some kind..I am not as sad as I was..and the thoughts of just letting my body die or helping it along are as strong as they were..and the thoughts of well no one cares ..are a bit less..I CARE..and maybe if all I have is my own breath..and awareness..at this moment..maybe that is enough.,
Is the for sale sign still out in front of the house.. .? Yes..standing tall and proud..are the money issues in this home still there? Yes it didn’t go away overnight..Did my Cancer magically get healed? No..but I am still here.,still breathing..did I accomplish much so far this morning.,nah..just went to the bathroom..took my pill..and am now sitting in bed..the dishes are still piled up in the kitchen..my cat is still by the foot of the bed washing herself..I turned the ceiling fan off since I was getting cold,,and I can hear his mother’s TV on watching the news..I can hear my cat CHARLIE scratching on his scratching post..and a bird is loudly singing her song,,I still have this moment..no one complaining about selling this house,,or the realtor calling to confirm people coming to look at the home..my boyfriend isn’t scurrying around quite yet to do errands.,it’s still quiet outside..the rest of the world isn’t up yet.,I can hear an owl and some other birds singing..and my cat washing herself..
Have I magically came up with any answers? Nope not a one..I am thinking of Mother’s Day..and to get something for the moms..I can hear the train whistle in the distance as it gets closer..maybe the answers will come how to solve the money problems.,or where to live or how to survive or how to be happy..or whether I should move back with my mom.,although I am not sure I want that or she wants that..shh mind be quiet for a moment..