Yes this photo is blurry..it was actually taken by mistake but fits how I feel..no I am not depressed at this moment..just feel disconnected from everyone..maybe I always have..maybe I do have aspbergers they feel like they are from another planet..I don’t really feel that way..as much I keep trying to fit in a world that doesn’t want me..maybe this is my lot in life..I mean my life has always been a struggle..I don’t know why I thought having Cancer would change things..maybe it’s just me ..the neighbors where I live aren’t friendly to me but the one wife will ask my boyfriend how I am instead of talking to me..my brother says to me on Mother’s Day that he is like my dad and doesn’t show his emotions.,well gee don’t you think maybe it’s time you changed this..he said he does care,,but he doesn’t do much to show it.,yes he offered to come to my last radiation session because he saw on a Cancer commercial the person ringing a bell..although he hasn’t gone to any of my radiation sessions.,or been there much at all for me..other than giving me money for holidays and birthdays..
I was thinking today maybe it’s how I look..or my energy.,I seem to repel people,.i never had that magical touch that people were drawn to me..
Usually the opposite and people would be very cruel..and someone else could do the same thing I do just stand there quietly and people act differently..
I was also thinking today..that I am basically homeless..I live with people but it’s not my home and I have no control over what they do with it..I feel I don’t have control over my own life,,not much money..the Cancer people will say well just go on SSDI..well I can’t because I don’t have enough credits..so do I just go back to work and just work until I drop..
People will say well what about your boyfriend.,I don’t know..I don’t have much of a connection with him either these days..other people I talk to have supportive husbands and boyfriends who don’t leave their side if they end up in the hospital..I probably would be alone..I usually am..
So I go to support group on Monday..the social worker could barely look at me and WOUld do this weird eye thing.,she WOUld look at me then take her eyes and look else where..or briefly look at me and talk to the girl next to me and make full eye contact..I know I am not the prettiest..some may say ugly..I have heard them all.and people not making eye contact with me gets old..probably why I am happier away from people..
I look at myself in the mirror..yes I need to lose weight..but I don’t think I look terrible..I am just tired of trying so hard..where some people don’t need to make an effort..just pisses me off and I get told well be positive..be strong.,smile..make an effort.,fuck you..you be strong..or step into my shoes for one day..