This is the title of my blog..which has been my outlet to pour out my feelings..let tears stream down my face for every ounce of life I have in me..I want to wave the white flag..and say ok world you win..You got me..I am sitting here crying out to God literally to please help..I feel so small like the little worm I saw on the deck last night..I feel like I am screaming please acknowledge my being..yes I get well meaning hang in there’s and praying for you from Facebook friends..Yes everyone has their own problems and families and friends..Rick’s mom is in her kitchen cleaning,,I have tried to talk to her…but she has a short attention span..and the conversation quickly goes back to her house and her family..but I am in her home..so not sure what I expect..the reason I came here 4 yrs ago was in hopes of having a future with her son..to be included in a family..yes they would try some, but I usually felt uncomfortable..but not fitting in seems to be my speciality..
I have felt like I was just living in someone’s home for some time now..I did try to contribute whether trying to give his mother money and feeling pushed aside by her words saying you don’t have to..when I know she needed it..even up to lately running a fundraiser begging for money so that they could keep their electric on..His mother is very proud..and so am I..I have no dignity left..after 35 sessions of radiation and constantly showing my bruised disfigured Breast to practically all the staff in the radiation dept,.crying my eyes out to them and almost being shipped to the mental ward in Their trenton hospital..maybe I am crazy..maybe this is all my karma for every bad word that has come out of my mouth..maybe this is what I deserve,..
I feel so very alone at this moment..I have called so many counselors…psychics..and people would say well what about your boyfriend..I don’t even have him..for the longest time he was against me going to my mom’s..now all he says is to go there..I don’t even want to call her today..I have so much guilt and shame for the way I speak to her..bothering them to help me..being a bother to anyone..why is it when other people get Cancer..they have fundraisers in their name.,people send them flowers and gifts..and for me I guess they think well someone else will help her..even my only friend..is turning her back on me..she once said I could stay with her now,,she says I am too far away…I never asked to stay with her,,I just vent..
I really am a caring person..I met a girl over the weekend whose mother is dying of cancer..she answered my post about looking for a room..and I was going to offer to help her mom without even living there..I have helped Rick’s mom as much as I could..when her cat died..I boxed her up and took her to the pet crematory..I took his mom to the dr 2 weeks ago..I have given her cash when I didn’t have it..and had to fight her for her to take it..I guess I was thinking once radiation was done I could figure out if I should work or something..yes I had my ups and downs and with Rick..I feel like he is moving on with out me..and maybe that’s how it should be..but I can’t help but feel hurt.,I didn’t live here for free..many times he’d say go live with your mom where you can live for free…this wifi I am using is what I pay for from my SSI..which I don’t know if I will continue..especially if I go back to my moms..I just feel totally kicked in the face..beat up and slammed on the floor..bruised..battered..and lifeless..I am so tired of trying to get people to like me love me..his coworkers would say..what a good man he is…sticking by me..he’s not…his latest plans are to go to Florida with his mom..but he is back and forth on that too.,yes he has a lot of pressure and has to look out for her..but she has his 2 sisters..her 2 sisters..lots of people to support her..
I have people arguing with me and asking me who my support is..guess I don’t deserve any..I don’t mean to bother my mom..I just don’t have anywhere else to go…but she will say I have to decide..doing nothing is easier..but doesn’t solve anything..so what do you do at your lowest point.? I pray..cry my eyes out..and hope maybe just maybe things will start to turn around..