As I lay in bed..being woken by my barking dog because the neighbors were having a campfire until 1a..Now I am up with my thoughts..I am in my mother’s house now so I don’t want to wake her or my brother..I don’t know if I am depressed or what the fuck I am anymore..I think I am just on fucking overload..sorry for the foul language..I have just had it..There’s a saying that God gives the hardest tests to those that can handle it..ehh..I don’t know if this is true..Like Doreen in the infusion room said..she said she doesn’t talk about her Cancer to people because they don’t care..and she’s right..No one really cares..they can sympathize..but until it happens to you..which in her case it did happen to her neighbor..you just have no clue..I had no clue what a person goes thru..Doreen couldn’t see out of one eye from the radiation.,She is what I call strong.,although I am sure she doesn’t feel it.,and people will tell me I am strong..I am so tired of being fucking strong..I was listening to a radio program last night..and this woman called in..and she had it.,she was so weary and tired..I have heard her before on another program..and like Doreen said.,”you don’t care about me” do you think these healers..psychics gave a fuck about that woman..maybe ..at least the host was wise enough to tell her to call 911 if she is that desperate..and I am sure that woman knows if she calls 911 the police will come..and take her to the mental ward.,and her life will get worse..
I know..I have been there..even recently..sobbing in the radiation doctors exam room..and having a mental health lady come in and chat with me..she knodded and didn’t think I was crazy after I told her everything..about the house I was living in being sold ..feeling so small..feeling like you have no control over your life.the Cancer..the helplessness..I know how that woman feels from that call in show..and I am on medication for depression..it doesn’t take it away..I have talked to social workers…psychics..Cancer survivors.,those living with Cancer..no one really cares..and all you are left with is YOU..and God if you believe…which honestly I have my doubts..
So as I was awakened by the noisy teenagers..I was searching for a place in the house to call someone so I wouldn’t disturb them..Nelson and I go to the basement..my friend has her phone off..Ahh well..I was going to call Rick no I can’t call him,,plus he would be asleep…so I post on facebook..and I come to my old friend my blog..where I pour out my heart and soul time and time again..I have been told to journal blah blah..this is my journal..this is where I can type and type .,many times with tears streaming down my face praying to God or something..SO I am no longer in Rick’s mom’s home..uh oh..oh no I can’t blame them anymore..I have to deal with me.,regardless of where I live,,I have to deal with the insecurities.,the fears.,,the feelings of unworthiness..the thoughts of lack of money..not working,,and now I don’t have Rick to lean on..not sure I ever did..he tried..I just wish he tried harder..ehh not sure what I expect..I was reading an update on a Cancer patients fundraiser page written by her partner about her will and final requests..Geez is she that sick..maybe she is sicker than me..I don’t even know how sick I am..they post about her smoothies..and chemo..and I admire that she does have a lot of support..and her partner either works from home or somehow can spend all of his time with her..taking her to appointments ..making her drinks..omg..such loyalty..and I saw this on another woman’s page..with friends visiting her at the hospital..I AM SO FRICKEN JEALOUS..I have my mom and brother ..but that’s really it..I guess Rick still cares..but he always turns it around on his life..Why can’t I have such DEVOTION..I don’t even know how to act anymore ..I have been called weird so much in my life,,YA know what I just don’t give a fuck anymore,..
What the hell is normal..I haven’t got a fucken clue..I didn’t leave the house today..not because I didn’t want to..I didn’t want to leave my mom alone in case the ac guy came..My mom did say she is happy I am here..so that makes me feel useful..knowing my presence is valued..but that’s all I can give.l have very little money..I am stripped down to the bare bones..but it still feels prickly and messy..my brother is similar to Rick..he goes into his room and watches tv.,but does come out and talk to my mom..omg almost identical to Rick..they both work long hours..Rick at least tried to talk to me..my brother well we never were that close..he tries a little..I am grateful he did help me to move back home..So I can’t blame Rick anymore..he isn’t here..and I WOUld be lying if I said I didn’t miss him.,I would love that kind of devotion that those other women get..my GOD..so I placed an ad on a couple dating sites..that doesn’t help..no stranger will have a fricken clue..and I SO DO NOT WANT SEX..OMG ARE YOU KIDDING..I literally feel like used goods..Did you know that radiation shrinks tumors and apparently healthy cells too..my left Breast is a size or two smaller than the right one..sigh..well at least I don’t smell like rotting dying skin..that’s a plus ..
So what am I..I am still alive..I have a roof over my head.,deep breath..I have more space to hide in..ok I went out some in the last week..for my Herceptin infusion,,taking mom to the store..and going out a bit myself..people on Facebook will say change is difficult..sigh..I just got done watching a video posted by another woman living with stage 4 metastic Cancer..yes there’s no cure..I get it..I studied Cancer for months..and now have had time to study stage 4..I still feel cornered..I want to hop in my car and just drive..but I can’t it’s 2am..my dog will start making a fuss and I don’t want to wake my mom ..
OMG I just want to scream..I saw a photo of a baby…with a sign stage 4 Cancer on Facebook..come on..how does a baby have fricken stage four Cancer..is it the vaccines..the water.,the food..how do several people I chat with on Facebook..who ate as clean as they could still have Cancer..I tried changing everything..my Cancer didn’t go away..ok I didn’t stick with it..did eatting sugar make it worse..because Cancer 101 says not to eat sugar..and make your body as alkaline as possible..and cannabis oil will heal my Cancer..I just don’t fricken know..what is the answer..I just don’t know..can you fight a beast like Cancer with fruit and vegetable juice..and smoothies..and cannabis oil,,I don’t know..