Archive | June 2015

Learning to be ok with me..


  

I feel like I am going thru such a lesson..maybe life lessons that were never learned.,..someone recently said they had to die to learn how to live.,..I am living with stage 4 metastic Breast cancer…I have no clue what to do with my time and life..some days I do have a plan .,others not so much..no sense in driving around aimlessly and wasting gas..so I will stay in for now..but why do I feel I am still nursing a broken heart.,or is it rejection,,or not feeling loved..

I recently moved and have been back at my mom’s for 3 weeks..maybe it should have happened sooner..maybe I was suppose to go thru what I went thru with Rick..or simply ..I made a choice and stayed there..my life is still very small..I am home most days..I do have my mom and brother..and my pets..so why do I feel rejected when I read about the person I lived with for 4 yrs..moving and selling the house,,and buying plane tickets..but I was never really a part of the plan..I left before they moved because I couldn’t take it anymore..talking about their lives..them..I wasn’t really included in the them.,I mean I was invited but it would never be my own..better off living with my mom then people who aren’t family..aren’t ever going to be family..and Heaven forbid something does happen..at least I will be with family..

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes..feeling like a fool..like I just wasted time..wasn’t good enough,,as always..but I am not there anymore,,so I need to look for other excuses to not be happy..or look for other things to occupy my time..when will you start living your life Susan..I guess I am now..although I didn’t accomplish much..I took the dog out and fed him and cleaned Mitzi’s box and fed her..and finally found the 2 fleas that were driving her nuts with her flea comb..I am writing..so that’s good..and I did some reading.,but I didn’t REALLY GET ANYTHING DONE..I didn’t earn any money.,didn’t really socialize other than on Facebook.. 

I guess I am waiting for my life to begin..this is my life,,and reading that the person I lived with for all those years misses me and the dog just doesn’t cut it for me.,he didn’t miss me enough to stay..to get a place together..but maybe it’s for the best..maybe it’s time for me to take charge,,stop looking for someone to rescue me..save me..my life has never been that way and never will be,,well my brother did rescue me,,he rented a truck and helped me move,,..so there are blessings.,as for soul mates..violet flames..blah blah..who knows..I know I have a phone appointment at 3 so that’s my excuse for sitting around..and it’s humid out..not a fan..let me know when it’s fall..

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Our walk thru the park..


  

So today I decided to get off my lazy butt and take Nelson for a nice walk by the lake in Mercer County Park..Mercer County is the county I live in and they have several beautiful parks..The one in West WIndsor being the largest I believe…this one has always been my favorite..there’s a nice man made lake with paddle boats..and row teams use the lake..there’s fishing..people use the trails for exercising..or like Nelson and I to walk..taking pictures..sit and gaze at the view..breathe..just be..pray…
I have been back home in East Windsor for wow exactly 2 weeks..today is 2 weeks..Hmm seems longer..although I haven’t accomplished much..well I take things day by day ..and as each day is here I go by how I feel..the weather..dr appt or not,,listen for my inner guidance..pray pray pray..check myself and ask for forgiveness when I get snippy with my mom or brother..life is a journey..mine hasn’t been that eventful..I didn’t accomplish too much..but I have made a lot of mistakes..still do daily..but that’s ok.,it makes me..ME..and I don’t have to be like you..or look like you,,or walk and talk..and be like you..I am me..Susan..messy..awkard..I slur my words sometimes.,and talk soft sometimes..and my eyes aren’t set right..and I have spaces in my teeth ..and now I have discolored skin from radiation ,,and one Breast is smaller  then the other..hooray..and I have big hips..and I am not the prettiest and not the ugliest..and not the fattest.,or smartest..or quickest..I have had many jobs..only been fired once for being late too many times..sometimes I am slow at figuring things out..and not always good at relating to people..I have been laughed at..spit on once..I still have trouble relating to people..and understanding things,,I take things personal and get sensitive,,but try to remind myself..so what..if someone acts a certain way..the little kid in me comes out..and like Oprah said..”they all want validation ..do you hear me? Do you see me? Does what I say mean anything to you?”

So our walk was pretty pleasant..I took pictures of the water..I love water don’t you..it is so relaxing..I always enjoyed swimming..just something about water..it’s so healing..and early in the morning is the best time to go to the park not many people and fewer people for nelson to bark at..and easier for me to calm him down..u even got a few smiles..how could you not..

  

With these pants and my bright pink shirt you would have to be blind to not see me..we all want to be acknowledged..why does it hurt my feelings if someone snubs me..the little 5 yr old little girl comes out..why at 46 does it still bother me.,and in my mind I always think well ..first I think what a mean person not wanting to look at me.,thinking they are better than me,,and it hurts my feelings.,or I think maybe it’s just them,,to make myself feel better.,then I try to let it go..and not focus on all that..because I have always had something happen..every place I lived or worked someone always made sure to speak it to someone else..to me if they had balls..or to themselves under their breath..their opinion of me..and let me know that they felt I wasn’t up to their standards and obviously felt that they were better than me or whatever,.and you know what when it is my time or maybe hopefully before I can ask God snd the Angels if any of that stuff mattered..if God valued and loved those with more money than those with less..gave more favor to those that most find appealing..more than others maybe not so appealing..does a God really love us all..even today as we were leaving the park this young guy was walking..kinda slow with a swagger..yeah see I am hip lol..I used a current word..swagger.,anyways..he was walking towards us and deteored down another path..yes you guessed it I took it personal,,as I would,,maybe it’s happened to you maybe it hasn’t maybe everyone loves you and it’S rare for anyone to ever say an unkind word to you,,well that has never been my life..so I have hidden away..many years doing pet sitting..so I don’t have to directly deal with people..maybe I am an empath and Intuitive like many psychics have told me..because I can only be around people for so long.,I have gone into deep depression and usually needed meds to get out of it..not sure if this is a sign of an empath..maybe these things happen to others..how people treat one another unless you happened to be blessed with everyone loving you..my life was kinda like the movie Pretty in Pink..but I never dated the popular guy..I am sure I probably slept with some popular ones but it didn’t change my status to cool.,or anything,,I was still me..scumbag sue..toad looking sue..iguana sue..whatever..who cares..so today I went out wearing my hot pink shirt..and hot pink yoga pants with my dog..I let it bother me for a minute with the swagger guy then I poured NElson some water in a cup..watched a lady with a sheep dog looking at us while I got in the car and drove home..

Will I ever be a beauty queen..nope..but with the negatives there were positives..I use to think I kinda looked like Valerie Bertinelli and my mom and one guy thought that.,ok I will take that..and these days I get fewer I HATE THAT GIRL COMMENTS.,than in the past..maybe I am vibrating at a higher level..or not so self conscious or awkward..oh well still me..as it should be..

Who are you going to blame now..


As I lay in bed..being woken by my barking dog because the neighbors were having a campfire until 1a..Now I am up with my thoughts..I am in my mother’s house now so I don’t want to wake her or my brother..I don’t know if I am depressed or what the fuck I am anymore..I think I am just on fucking overload..sorry for the foul language..I have just had it..There’s a saying that God gives the hardest tests to those that can handle it..ehh..I don’t know if this is true..Like Doreen in the infusion room said..she said she doesn’t talk about her Cancer to people because they don’t care..and she’s right..No one really cares..they can sympathize..but until it happens to you..which in her case it did happen to her neighbor..you just have no clue..I had no clue what a person goes thru..Doreen couldn’t see out of one eye from the radiation.,She is what I call strong.,although I am sure she doesn’t feel it.,and people will tell me I am strong..I am so tired of being fucking strong..I was listening to a radio program last night..and this woman called in..and she had it.,she was so weary and tired..I have heard her before on another program..and like Doreen said.,”you don’t care about me” do you think these healers..psychics gave a fuck about that woman..maybe ..at least the host was wise enough to tell her to call 911 if she is that desperate..and I am sure that woman knows if she calls 911 the police will come..and take her to the mental ward.,and her life will get worse..

I know..I have been there..even recently..sobbing in the radiation doctors exam room..and having a mental health lady come in and chat with me..she knodded and didn’t think I was crazy after I told her everything..about the house I was living in being sold ..feeling so small..feeling like you have no control over your life.the Cancer..the helplessness..I know how that woman feels from that call in show..and I am on medication for depression..it doesn’t take it away..I have talked to social workers…psychics..Cancer survivors.,those living with Cancer..no one really cares..and all you are left with is YOU..and God if you believe…which honestly I have my doubts..

So as I was awakened by the noisy teenagers..I was searching for a place in the house to call someone so I wouldn’t disturb them..Nelson and I go to the basement..my friend has her phone off..Ahh well..I was going to call Rick no I can’t call him,,plus he would be asleep…so I post on facebook..and I come to my old friend my blog..where I pour out my heart and soul time and time again..I have been told to journal blah blah..this is my journal..this is where I can type and type .,many times with tears streaming down my face praying to God or something..SO I am no longer in Rick’s mom’s home..uh oh..oh no I can’t blame them anymore..I have to deal with me.,regardless of where I live,,I have to deal with the insecurities.,the fears.,,the feelings of unworthiness..the thoughts of lack of money..not working,,and now I don’t have Rick to lean on..not sure I ever did..he tried..I just wish he tried harder..ehh not sure what I expect..I was reading an update on a Cancer patients fundraiser page written by her partner about her will and final requests..Geez is she that sick..maybe she is sicker than me..I don’t even know how sick I am..they post about her smoothies..and chemo..and I admire that she does have a lot of support..and her partner either works from home or somehow can spend all of his time with her..taking her to appointments ..making her drinks..omg..such loyalty..and I saw this on another woman’s page..with friends visiting her at the hospital..I AM SO FRICKEN JEALOUS..I have my mom and brother ..but that’s really it..I guess Rick still cares..but he always turns it around on his life..Why can’t I have such DEVOTION..I don’t even know how to act anymore ..I have been called weird so much in my life,,YA know what I just don’t give a fuck anymore,..

What the hell is normal..I haven’t got a fucken clue..I didn’t leave the house today..not because I didn’t want to..I didn’t want to leave my mom alone in case the ac guy came..My mom did say she is happy I am here..so that makes me feel useful..knowing my presence is valued..but that’s all I can give.l have very little money..I am stripped down to the bare bones..but it still feels prickly and messy..my brother is similar to Rick..he goes into his room and watches tv.,but does come out and talk to my mom..omg almost identical to Rick..they both work long hours..Rick at least tried to talk to me..my brother well we never were that close..he tries a little..I am grateful he did help me to move back home..So I can’t blame Rick anymore..he isn’t here..and I WOUld be lying if I said I didn’t miss him.,I would love that kind of devotion that those other women get..my GOD..so I placed an ad on a couple dating sites..that doesn’t help..no stranger will have a fricken clue..and I SO DO NOT WANT SEX..OMG ARE YOU KIDDING..I literally feel like used goods..Did you know that radiation shrinks tumors and apparently healthy cells too..my left Breast is a size or two smaller than the right one..sigh..well at least I don’t smell like rotting dying skin..that’s a plus ..

So what am I..I am still alive..I have a roof over my head.,deep breath..I have more space to hide in..ok I went out some in the last week..for my Herceptin infusion,,taking mom to the store..and going out a bit myself..people on Facebook will say change is difficult..sigh..I just got done watching a video posted by another woman living with stage 4 metastic Cancer..yes there’s no cure..I get it..I studied Cancer for months..and now have had time to study stage 4..I still feel cornered..I want to hop in my car and just drive..but I can’t it’s 2am..my dog will start making a fuss and I don’t want to wake my mom ..

OMG I just want to scream..I saw a photo of a baby…with a sign stage 4 Cancer on Facebook..come on..how does a baby have fricken stage four Cancer..is it the vaccines..the water.,the food..how do several people I chat with on Facebook..who ate as clean as they could still have Cancer..I tried changing everything..my Cancer didn’t go away..ok I didn’t stick with it..did eatting sugar make it worse..because Cancer 101 says not to eat sugar..and make your body as alkaline as possible..and cannabis oil will heal my Cancer..I just don’t fricken know..what is the answer..I just don’t know..can you fight a beast like Cancer with fruit and vegetable juice..and smoothies..and cannabis oil,,I don’t know..

I ADORE YOU..


  “I adore you..”..these are words I need to hear from my partner..perhaps I need to say them to myself..I HAVE ALWAYS SETTLED..where love is concerned..settled for whatever just showed up..even if they didn’t treat me right..do I have issues..YEP..and Cancer too..what better time to give the ultimate love letter to mysel..to start adoring myself..loving myself..like my life depended on it..because it does..I mean really love myself..as I am right now..not when  Susan loses weight..or is Cancer free..or makes good money..or even when the next guy comes around..

I look at photos on Facebook of some Cancer patients who have spouses..one in particular..you can see the love in his eyes..I want that kinda love..we all want to be loved..is it possible for me..I want to think so..but I will be honest..I am better with animals than people..what I want ..I don’t think it exists..its the love in all love movies..Is it possible for me..? YES..I WILL CLAIM IT AS SO..I have had love affairs..maybe the key is to love myself..respect myself..

I want to live the rest of my life..joyful..regardless of what I have or don’t have..I want to wake up and be blessed to be given one more day..I want to be surrounded by people who adore me..kinda like Norm on CHEERS..when he walks thru the door..like the bar CHEERS..where everyone knows your name..and I bring joy and love to everyone I meet..I DO NOT WANT MY LEGACY TO BE..OH THATS THE GIRL EVERYONE HATED..PAST TENSE..I WAnt TO BE THE WARRIOR PRINCESS WHO FOUGHT CANCER WITH GRACE..