Learning to be ok with me..


I feel like I am going thru such a lesson..maybe life lessons that were never learned.,..someone recently said they had to die to learn how to live.,..I am living with stage 4 metastic Breast cancer…I have no clue what to do with my time and life..some days I do have a plan .,others not so much..no sense in driving around aimlessly and wasting gas..so I will stay in for now..but why do I feel I am still nursing a broken heart.,or is it rejection,,or not feeling loved..

I recently moved and have been back at my mom’s for 3 weeks..maybe it should have happened sooner..maybe I was suppose to go thru what I went thru with Rick..or simply ..I made a choice and stayed there..my life is still very small..I am home most days..I do have my mom and brother..and my pets..so why do I feel rejected when I read about the person I lived with for 4 yrs..moving and selling the house,,and buying plane tickets..but I was never really a part of the plan..I left before they moved because I couldn’t take it anymore..talking about their lives..them..I wasn’t really included in the them.,I mean I was invited but it would never be my own..better off living with my mom then people who aren’t family..aren’t ever going to be family..and Heaven forbid something does happen..at least I will be with family..

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes..feeling like a fool..like I just wasted time..wasn’t good enough,,as always..but I am not there anymore,,so I need to look for other excuses to not be happy..or look for other things to occupy my time..when will you start living your life Susan..I guess I am now..although I didn’t accomplish much..I took the dog out and fed him and cleaned Mitzi’s box and fed her..and finally found the 2 fleas that were driving her nuts with her flea comb..I am writing..so that’s good..and I did some reading.,but I didn’t REALLY GET ANYTHING DONE..I didn’t earn any money.,didn’t really socialize other than on Facebook.. 

I guess I am waiting for my life to begin..this is my life,,and reading that the person I lived with for all those years misses me and the dog just doesn’t cut it for me.,he didn’t miss me enough to stay..to get a place together..but maybe it’s for the best..maybe it’s time for me to take charge,,stop looking for someone to rescue me..save me..my life has never been that way and never will be,,well my brother did rescue me,,he rented a truck and helped me move,,..so there are blessings.,as for soul mates..violet flames..blah blah..who knows..I know I have a phone appointment at 3 so that’s my excuse for sitting around..and it’s humid out..not a fan..let me know when it’s fall..

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