These thoughts swirl around in my brain at 2:34am..I think sometimes.,honestly..I am afraid to go to sleep..because I am afraid I won’t wake up..I use to get like this when I was having bad breathing problems..I would lay down.,catch myself struggling to catch my breath and pop back up out of bed.,such a helpless feeling..gasping for air..maybe that’s what dying feels like..it’s been a tough couple of weeks..it’s been a week since I had my liver procedure..a week since my mom was released from the nursing home..a Cancer patient that I met at the advanced Breast cancer group ..passed away this week..she had Cancer for 3 yrs..was it stage 4 for 3 yrs..don’t know..I didn’t know her that well..November 15 will be 3 yrs for me since my stage 2b diagnosis..and May of 2016 will be 3 yrs living with stage 4 metastatic cancer..God willing I see 3 yrs with stage 4..I guess what hit me so hard about Sheryl’s death..are several things..it makes me think about my own of course..she was a vegan..did yoga..was an amazing person..but Cancer won..and snuffed out her short life of 34 yrs on this planet..honestly my life hasn’t been as amazing as hers..I don’t have a huge support system..of family and friends,,and facebook has been a blessing and curse.,in the beginning.,I contacted the natural folks trying to find a way to heal from Cancer naturally..I couldn’t find anyone that didn’t at least do surgery or radiation..many would tout how they cured their Cancer naturally..no they didn’t..it was complimentary ..medical and more holistic..which I believe in,,I tried doing it all natural as a few adviced me..but Hmm none of these so called people offering natural advice ever had Cancer..when Trish the nurse navigator told me doing it natural was not a good idea and it won’t end well..unfortunately she is right,,the natural folks will say the medical people don’t want there to be a cure..and there maybe some truth..Cancer..is probably a billion dollar business..the nurse in the infusion room says to me ..after I opend a side door because someone knocked ..I thought it was a nurse locked out..sometimes they go out the back doors..she said those doors are always locked..anyone could come walking in and they have expensive drugs back there.,Hmm..I never opened the door again if someone knocks..just some things to think about..


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