Archive | October 2015

Middle of the night thoughts..

As I sit here taking an anti nausea pill to try to get rid of my nausea..and not think about the image in my head of my liver and gallbladder..Wow ..two parts of the don’t expect to be thinking about or even visually remembering what they look like at 1am..I guess I am lucky..l am lucky that the guy I lived with for 4 yrs was so selfish..immature and clueless and that he chose to go with his mom to Florida..Although..I wish I had someone by my side while I sat in the doctors office staring at my liver and gallbladder..I suppose he wouldn’t be that person..and honestly he never was, although I lived with a bunch of people ..I was still very much alone..

Now ..I live with my family..they care ..and my brother is the only one who can really help me..since my mom is 79..doesn’t drive..and way too frail physically and emotionally to be of support..or understand..My brother tried to talk to me about my discussion with the doctor today..but I just answered him briefly because he doesn’t know how to talk to people and he was making me feel worse..Dr. Srinivas suggested I do a chemo embolization..which is similar to the liver procedure I had in August..except this time he wants to shoot chemo into my liver..yay..not..I say there was another option..this procedure would require me to stay over night in the hospital..Although he tried to make light of it..obviously if they don’t want you to go’s a big deal..

So..excuse me if I get annoyed at the person I lived with for 4 yrs who reads my facebook and comments on dumb things and always sounds dumb..I made like a chocolate crunch with popcorn and took pictures..all he could say is what’s that..while ignoring all the hospital comments and not once mentioning how I was ..does is hurt? Sure..but I guess it is a blessing..because this person isn’t equipped to handle this..or wants to..he could have..he didn’t have to go to Florida…but he knew it would be easier..his mom would front the money for the house..he would have to live with her.,but he gets the house..yes he works..and yes it still hurts..and yes I still feel abandoned ..but Ahh well..

So I posted my fundraiser and asked for any amount or gift cards..I got one donation and an Amazon gift card,,which is yes I have people that care in my life..even if they are miles away.they are still real living people..I attended a harvest festival 2 weeks ago..and several knew me from facebook and acted like they knew yes facebook friends are real..I met like 4 of them that day..and I am very grateful for them..they pray and comfort me at all hours of the I am thankful for all of them..


What do you believe?

I believe the above yourself yourself cheesecake..the answer isn’t in another is within you.,it always has been..

I recently had a conversation with a friend I haven’t spoken to in awhile.,she asked me if I had a boyfriend? But said it in such a way..kinda pissed off..gee I’m sorry ..I was with some one for 7 yrs ..lived with him for 4..he moved 1300 miles away.l am living with stage 4 Cancer and recently moved back to my mother’s home after being gone for 16 yrs..and you want to know if I have a boyfriend.,and not in a loving way..more I have some secret…both her and I are overweight..the secret is I won’t settle..

So it is ok to be alone..and because I have Cancer I could date and sleep around with many men..and not care or I can live my life on what makes me happy..and not wait around for some guy’s approval or anyone ‘s approval for that matter..


Ok I can respect that people are in different places in their journey..path..nightmare..whatever they perceive their new normal to be..for me I have accepted I need to take antidepressants to keep the chemicals in my brain stable so I don’t go back in the dungeon not being able to joy miserable..


I would much rather focus on what can I do with my life.,yes we will all die one day.,I may die sooner or later..posting this shirt and wearing it and smiling I am sorry..maybe she feels she is sharing a me it looks like a depressed person..listening to other depressed people..I just hope she didn’t pay for that shirt..I make shirts with a ribbon and stage 4 needs more…not.,I am terminal I am dying..


Valerie Harper who is living with stage 4 Cancer..I believe it started in her lungs and travelled to her brain..She would say..she is terminal,,BUT NOT TODAY..THAT IS WHAT I HOLD ON TO.,THAT IS WHAT I FOCUS ON…THE NOT TODAY PART.,I don’t know what tomorrow may bring,,but today I am going to drink a cinnamon chai latte and enjoy every sip..I am going to sit by a lake eating my salad looking at the water..I am going to come home and take a well deserved nap and not feel guilty and enjoy every moment..

Do I think of dying? Of course..I guess I am in denial,,because I still believe I can meet a great guy..even as overweight as I am..maybe even get married,,with stage 4 Breast it is about living..I just feel sad for these women making these tshirts with words..words are so powerful…the numbers 1111 which comes up for me often..means watch your thoughts.,I still believe in prayer..the power of the subconscious mind..,if you tell yourself you are terminal and dying.,you may actually make it happen sooner..

Pink ribbons are not a cure for stage 4!


Today is October 1st..better known as in the Cancer community as the start of PINKTOBER..Where all products have pink on TV..I even went to Michaels arts and crafts store last night and they had a section of Breast cancer awareness items..which is fine if the money goes to research and to help those with stage 4 living with metastatic disease..One thing I don’t agree with those on FACEBOOK who are so vocal about funding for stage 4 ..they always mention how they have a terminal illness and will die..GUESS WHAT? We all will die one day..the sucky part about living with a disease that most likely will take my life…I have a constant reminder that I may die sooner than I would like…

I am a 46 yr old single lady…never been children ..except my fur children..not many friends in real life..but you know what? My life is just as valuable as the woman with a child with the same stage and disease as me..yes she has a child that may one day be with out a mom,,and that isn’t fair.,I get it..and in a way ..I am fortunate I don’t have children ..because they would have to live with out their mother..and grow up and celebrate milestones..without her..I get it and I am sad for these women..their families..

I would love the day when this disease becomes a chronic disease that can be managed..Although.,maybe I am in oncologist always told me from the first day I met him,,that it can be managed for a very long time..And that he likes to prescribe High doses of prayer! This is why I love him..and I dislike doctors..but I am very fond of my oncologist..I get an infusion of Herceptin every 3 weeks and see Dr. Schaebler every 6 weeks along with my infusion..Usually ..most of the patients in the infusion room, are patients of Dr. Schaebler..most have told me stories ..of how he saved their life,,or extended in that regard , I feel cared for and hopeful..

I also believe in positive thinking.,prayer..eating well,,moving my body , whether it is gardening..painting..or walking my dog Nelson..