Archive | January 2016

Life is but a dream..


Row row row your boat..gently down the stream..merrily,,merrily..merrily..merrily..life is but a dream..sometimes life seems like a dream..or a nightmare you can’t wake up from..either way..it’s yours..and you  do your best each day..

so each night I lay in bed and I hear the owls hooting by my bedroom window..it gives me peace..so I decided to look up the symbolism of owls..some say it represents wisdom..strength..intuition..death..to me their hooting gives me peace..like they are keeping watch..as they hide away in the trees..

  

Scrolling through my Facebook.,I read..


 


…my news feed this morning..I read the title of someone’s blog..the words..Cancer is not a gift and doesn’t make me a better person..Hmm..the title was enough to make me click on the link and read it was the title to this woman’s book..and I didn’t read further..but I disagree..Yes Cancer is challenging..wish I didn’t have it..wish I wasn’t on chemo.,something I fought all these years to not go on.,I wish every time I did anything ..that strands of hair didn’t continue to fall out..but it being a gift..yes..yes it is..it forces me to focus on each day..each day I open my eyes..is a gift.,I use to think my life had no value ..until I was fighting for it..then I started to not let silly things bother me.,ok I still have my moments,,I’m not a saint for God’s sake..

Like the other day..I went to the township office to purchase Nelson’s dog license..I wander upstairs..l am standing there with my hat and coat on,,getting warmer by the second,,and this girl behind the desk..doesn’t look up..but I see this smirk on her face.,Ahh the smirk I know and hate..GRR..then the girl at the next desk asked if she could help me.,she was nicer anyways..then I look over and another lady wandered upstairs looking to pay for dog licenses too..all of a sudden this girl is all friendly,as I stand there and watch..I was thinking.,bitch..but whatever..maybe they take turns helping people..she didn’t have to …well be a bitch.,but I am use to it,,there is always someone…lol..so as I happily leave with new dog license in hand,,the snobby girl looks over at me.,I am sorry it is just a reflex.,you treat me crappy,,I may do the same back..I have Cancer.,who cares lol..so I stick my tongue out at her..and walk away..ok not my best moment…but I am so over letting people treat me like crap..she didn’t know the courage it took me to leave my house..knowing every where I go,,I leave a trail of strands of hair..and how self conscious I am of my thinning hair as I hide it under my hat and try to act normal..luckily the other girl was pleasant and all was well..

Cancer has taught me not to take shit..yes there is always someone who is going to be an asshole towards me..many times the game I would play is ..to find the one someone who wasn’t..whether it was at school…work whatever..then when I was able to work on my own as a pet sitter..I found a new freedom..no one gawking at me,,saying crap about how I look whatever..but unfortunately..I didn’t handle this freedom as well as I should have..I should have paid taxes on the business back then ..so at least now I would receive a decent amount of disability..Ahh well lesson learned…but the story of my life isn’t over yet..I am still alive.,I can still share my thoughts..my story on facebook..on this blog…I have a voice and will no longer hide..hair or not..ehh never really liked my hair anyways..and am anxiously waiting for my new hair to arrive in the mail tomorrow..

Seeing the world thru Anna’s eyes..


Yesterday I spent the day with Anna..Anna is a 91 yr old woman who can’t see..can barely walk..or do much of anything for herself..But her mind is pretty good for her age..yes at times she seemed a bit confused..and I didn’t know if her stories were truth or fiction or something made up in Anna’s head..I was asked to stay with Anna while her grandson traveled  today..yes he paid me some money..but I would probably do it for free regardless..

Anna enjoyed having company..she didn’t get up from her chair once in the 8 hours I spent with her.,and she couldn’t see me.,so it didn’t matter if I had makeup on.,painted my face blue..dyed my hair green..if I was 500 lbs or 2 ft tall.,none of that mattered.,,the world’s standards of beauty or acknowledging someone as a person didn’t matter..Anna didn’t ignore me.,or look down or avoid eye contact or call me names like the world has..Anna couldn’t see me,,no ..all Anna cared about was that she wasn’t alone..,and someone was there to watch tv with her…Anna had a beautiful flat screen tv that she can’t see..but listens to..

I was a voice to Anna,,she didn’t know my story.,my Cancer story..how a man I thought I loved , moved 1300 miles away.. when I needed him..how I felt rejected,.useless.,all the negative words that people ever said to me .,about me..Anna didn’t know that many times I wanted to die and not be in this world because life for me was too hard,,no..she was just happy I was there..she kept asking if I would be there tomorrow and I said no,,her grandson hired a nurse the rest of the week..so ..I brought Anna a plate of shrimp salad and chips..she couldn’t see at all..I had to place the plate in her hands..I gave her a dove ice cream bar and had to place her hand on the stick so she could eat it..mean while I was enjoying my ice cream..

No..Anna didn’t care about the things I worried about or had to do or try to be to get people to like ,me or whatever,,no Anna just wanted someone to listen to her stories and bring her lunch and share her food with.,someone not honest ..could have robbed this woman..she can’t see..she is trusting this person,,I am not that kind of person.,but unfortunately many care givers aren’t like me..and steal..so for 8 hours I sat with Anna watching/listening to movies on the tv.,texting on my phone.,and I didn’t have to be anything.,or please anyone..I was me and she was Anna.,whether it was her medication..or early signs of dementia..none of that mattered..she seemed comforted that someone was with her…I got out of my mother’s house for the day..away from thoughts about dying and treatment..and enjoyed eating snacks with Anna ..and seeing the world thru Anna’s eyes..

I could move Anna’s chair in front of a window and she could describe a sunny day and what she saw even though she couldn’t see her hand in front of her face,,or the crumbs on my shirt ..or my wind blown hair tied in a pony tail..no Anna saw a nice young lady spending the day with her.,this is what she told her brother on the phone while I was there..thank you Anna for showing me what I was blind to and was right in front of me,,that it doesn’t matter how you look.,and how blessed I am for what I have.,and the simple pleasure of enjoying a meal and some ice cream can be so sweet..and that life is a gift and should be cherished.,..

New year..time to start living..


Today is January 1st, 2016..Well ..I made it to a new year…I guess what I do with it is up to me…the last few months I have been home a lot,..either in bed or just hanging in my room…I guess I like my solitude..when I want to be social ..l will go downstairs and be with my mom..not having money has been a bummer.,since I am so use to working..I kinda gave up on sharing my fund raiser..I appreciate those that have given..and I feel like a beggar on the street..and this isn’t me..money doesn’t mean much to me…but in this world you need it.yes you can do things for free like go to the library or hang out at a book store and read…but to pay bills..eat..buy clothes..feed my pets..I need money..yes my mom and brother have helped..but sometimes they throw it in my face..I would rather work full time ..ok not really..never liked it when I did unless it was something I could enjoyed..

I am not everyone’s cup of tea..and people judge you by whatever..economic status..how you dress..bone structure.,fat..thin..whatever..in the last 3 yrs..quite honestly..I just don’t have the energy to get people to like me…and really don’t give a shit.,gee is that a bad attitude..I won’t be an asshole..or outwardly rude..that is not me..but I will not twist myself like a pretzel ..like I have in my entire life at jobs,in school..trying to get a guy to like me..trying to make friends..even in my family..I am kinda the loser..I admit …not good with money..I filed bankruptcy..I didn’t finish college..blah blah blah..so I spend a lot of time alone or with my dog..I feel like it is a competition with my brother to get the attention of my mother..most times I let him be with her..since their relationship is and always will be that of a little boy and his mommy..where she is tougher with me..so that is why I haven’t lived at home for 16 yrs.,I wanted my own life,,yes I fucked up and probably will continue to do so..

I use to try so hard to look my best all the time..be likeable so people would like me,well for whatever reason this hasn’t always been easy for me..and I have lived my life afraid and fearful..of what others opinions of me were,,and quite honestly I don’t give a shit…again I won’t go out of my way to be an asshole..I get snippy with my mom and then I put myself in a time out in my room,,because sometimes I don’t feel good..luckily lately I feel ok..so far so good with the chemo..

But quite honestly..if you think I am ugly ..fat..whatever,,I don’t care..I am how I am that day..I have a tube hanging out of my liver and trying to find bandages so I can keep it from getting wet so I can shower like I use to..but I don’t smell..I usually look presentable..even with the challenges I am going thru which quite honestly most with a big support system..would be crying their eyes out..I tell people I am on pills.,and I deserve to be..I have enough to deal with I don’t have to fight my brain too and curl up in a little ball and let people step on me,,..this is my life.,I do what I can with each day..sometimes it is a lot,,sometimes very little but that is ok..so I am going to take walks with my dog..and breathe in the fresh air..and look at sunrises and sunsets..and look at the water when I am near a lake or the ocean..and ponder life,,and pray.,and watch people..and interact when necessary..and LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE IT..