New year..time to start living..


Today is January 1st, 2016..Well ..I made it to a new year…I guess what I do with it is up to me…the last few months I have been home a lot,..either in bed or just hanging in my room…I guess I like my solitude..when I want to be social ..l will go downstairs and be with my mom..not having money has been a bummer.,since I am so use to working..I kinda gave up on sharing my fund raiser..I appreciate those that have given..and I feel like a beggar on the street..and this isn’t me..money doesn’t mean much to me…but in this world you need it.yes you can do things for free like go to the library or hang out at a book store and read…but to pay bills..eat..buy clothes..feed my pets..I need money..yes my mom and brother have helped..but sometimes they throw it in my face..I would rather work full time ..ok not really..never liked it when I did unless it was something I could enjoyed..

I am not everyone’s cup of tea..and people judge you by whatever..economic status..how you dress..bone structure.,fat..thin..whatever..in the last 3 yrs..quite honestly..I just don’t have the energy to get people to like me…and really don’t give a shit.,gee is that a bad attitude..I won’t be an asshole..or outwardly rude..that is not me..but I will not twist myself like a pretzel ..like I have in my entire life at jobs,in school..trying to get a guy to like me..trying to make friends..even in my family..I am kinda the loser..I admit …not good with money..I filed bankruptcy..I didn’t finish college..blah blah blah..so I spend a lot of time alone or with my dog..I feel like it is a competition with my brother to get the attention of my mother..most times I let him be with her..since their relationship is and always will be that of a little boy and his mommy..where she is tougher with me..so that is why I haven’t lived at home for 16 yrs.,I wanted my own life,,yes I fucked up and probably will continue to do so..

I use to try so hard to look my best all the time..be likeable so people would like me,well for whatever reason this hasn’t always been easy for me..and I have lived my life afraid and fearful..of what others opinions of me were,,and quite honestly I don’t give a shit…again I won’t go out of my way to be an asshole..I get snippy with my mom and then I put myself in a time out in my room,,because sometimes I don’t feel good..luckily lately I feel ok..so far so good with the chemo..

But quite honestly..if you think I am ugly ..fat..whatever,,I don’t care..I am how I am that day..I have a tube hanging out of my liver and trying to find bandages so I can keep it from getting wet so I can shower like I use to..but I don’t smell..I usually look presentable..even with the challenges I am going thru which quite honestly most with a big support system..would be crying their eyes out..I tell people I am on pills.,and I deserve to be..I have enough to deal with I don’t have to fight my brain too and curl up in a little ball and let people step on me,,..this is my life.,I do what I can with each day..sometimes it is a lot,,sometimes very little but that is ok..so I am going to take walks with my dog..and breathe in the fresh air..and look at sunrises and sunsets..and look at the water when I am near a lake or the ocean..and ponder life,,and pray.,and watch people..and interact when necessary..and LIVE HOW I WANT TO LIVE IT..

 

 

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