Handful of spinach(washed)
Sprinkle some turmeric,ginger powder,Himalayan salt..
teaspoon of Raw Honey
1 cup of Almond Milk
I thought it was fitting to use the title of my blog for the title of my blog post. The above photo is a picture of my maternal grandma , me and my brother,,I don’t remember her like this..I remember a frail sad woman who could barely breathe and used a breathing machine..but I do remember as a child..maybe about 6 or 7 ..rocking away in her rocking chair..which we still have…
I find myself reminiscing more and more these days..times in my life that I thought I couldn’t bear..and I made it thru..many times clenching on as hard as I can..I have been looking back at old photos.,mainly because of a cousin that had contacted me on Facebook last week..I have looked thru these albums a million times..but this time I looked thru them with my mother as she reminded me who the family members were..since many had passed before my birth..and some I wouldn’t remember because I was so young..I saw photos of family trips we took to Florida..and all the menagerie of animals that have lived in this home..
I look back at teenage years..like my senior prom..where I was so anxious..and now I look at that photo and think if this girl had a clue at how special she was..At that point in my life..I would reach out to many ..to find people who approved of me..I probably should have been on an antidepressant back then..now not everyone is for pills..and most think you are weak for needing them..let me tell you a story..I unfortunately have a family history of depression…My maternal grandmother may have had undiagnosed bipolar..my mom would tell me about her emotional cycles..6 months..happy full of life..and then 6 months depressed..couldn’t cook etc..back then these things weren’t talked about and I think she even got a shock treatment..which they still do today..but try to use talk therapy and medication first..My grandmother on my dad’s side also had issues..I never did meet her..I grew up with a bipolar dad..which was very challenging as a child..so if I go back to the beginning.,that is where everything started..I will not say I wasn’t cared for and loved..my parents did the best they could with what they were equipped with emotionally..
I pretty much feel like I had to fight for approval all my life..I actually had a happy little childhood until I started school..I didn’t understand why kids were mean..and adults too..needless to say I wasn’t popular..and usually hung around those that were kind to me..but kids..fluctuate like the weather.,I didn’t have many loyal friends..still don’t..I never had that magical life where everyone loved me..and life was grand..I am sure most kids didn’t.,but some did..no I was afraid to cough or sneeze in my father’s presence because he had this fear of illness,,see to him if you got sick that means you had to miss work..although looking back as an adult.. I brag about my dad now..my father didn’t have an easy childhood..I won’t go into details..but he didn’t go to college because of family illness etc..and he may have had some undiagnosed aspbergers syndrome which of course no one knew about then..you were just the nerd or the odd one..he wrote for the school newspaper and continued from there..he had gotten jobs as a sports writer..mind you even back then to get these good paying jobs without a college degree was admirable..
One of my father’s accomplishments was getting a job with the Wall Street Journal ..as a writer and editor..Unfortunately his undiagnosed what they called manic depression ..didn’t become diagnosed until he had either left the job..hmm now I can’t remember exactly..and he isn’t around for me to ask..He started a few small newspapers of his own..and I believe what they now call bipolar ..was diagnosed when President Ford was speaking at Peddie school..and he tried to get close to get a picture of him..I guess the secret service thought he was suspicious..and my father had an outburst..I was young then..but I remember my father being handcuffed and put into a police car in our driveway..So somewhere around that time he was diagnosed..and somewhere in between there he had terrible depression..was on disability..I think what got him out of it was a little pill called lithium..he still had the anger issues and yelling and screaming..which unless he was sedated ..no pill could control..he didn’t do talk therapy..he did just enough to get his medication..but I do understand the stress he was under..my mom didn’t work as long as I can remember..just some telephone work from home ..she had her own anxiety issues..so as I got older ..I didn’t like inviting people over to my home..and as I got older I would look for men to lean on..if you enter a situation with an empty glass..looking for others to fil it …you will continue to go from person to person..because no one can do this for you..and this isn’t their job..
Well it took me a long time to learn this..I was teased..called names in school..let’s see from Medusa..to toad..to scumbag..to ugh who knows..so I pretty much lived my life trying so hard to get approval from others..which honestly will never happen..or if it did it was short lived..As I was a teen …I learned you could get attention from boys..by looking cute etc,,with hair..makeup clothes.,and I look back and think I wish I made better choices..but what I learned is life is about living..my brother lived a very sheltered life ..still does..yes he has had jobs and also had similar issues , but his was more social anxiety..which I also had ,but didn’t know..we were both more comfortable home …away from the judgement of others..At least I tried to live a normal life …had some friends..mostly frienemies..heard quite a bit from male friends..this one or that one isn’t your friend..the second you walk away ..they are running their mouth about you..yeah one was my friend Val.. who was a friend since we were about 10..she tend to befriend the odd balls..her own sisters and father would make comments about me..I remember her dad saying get that piece of junk out of his driveway..meaning my car…ahh a charmer..and perhaps he was bipolar too..trust me it wasn’t just my dad..he just finally got help for it ..so he could work and provide for his family..
So I wasn’t the only one with daddy issues and looking for a man to rescue me..well that didn’t happen or at least not for long..my first long term real relationship ..I was 19..and the guy was from Brooklyn ..oh my parents hated him..for good reason..I was back and forth with him for years..and funny thing …he had a temper too..but he took it further than my dad did..by the marks on my face..I even lived in NY..on and off.,but that was my life..and similar to my maternal grandma..I would go about 6 months happy and 6 months sad..and started seeing my dad’s psychiatrist..I pretty much begged him for meds..cuz similar to my dad.,talk would go in one ear and out the other.,because I always had a horrible memory… especially when depressed…Once the meds kicked in I was better..lively..had a temper..but I am a Taurus , but also not much different from my dad., but in good ways I was similar..I was always good in English class and writing..gee where did I get that from..😉
So fast forward to my life today..I found blogging is my way of journaling..I use to write things in journals , but that never helped me..I found typing things out on this blog or on Facebook much more healing..and talking..if I could get someone to listen..usually a paid therapist..or a psychic..so now I am fighting for my life..back on Wellbutrin for a good year now.,but decided to stay on it ..because Cancer is tough for even people with a ton of friends and large support group..something obviously I don’t have.,yes people would pop in and out of my life.,..but very few hung around ..I always think of that line from A Few Good Men..where Jack Nicholson says ..”You can’t handle the truth!” Most can’t..most would either be drowning their sorrows in a bottle..or doing something to cope..and I won’t lie..a nice glass of wine from time to time takes the edge off..but what I have learned is about my own strength..yes I still try to meet Prince Charming..I don’t care if I am the perfect weight..blah blah..most men and women included …do what is easy..they go on personal sites knowing that their life is a mess..and usually just want a playmate to get their mind off their marriage.,separation ..whatever..
Needless to say..I get rather tired of this game..and as of recently …have yet to meet someone new..usually the guy doesn’t follow through..gets scared..because I am dealing with life and death..even someone I was with for 8 yrs that swore he wouldn’t abandon me ..did..and one of his facebook female friends had the nerve to message me …then text my phone ..because I blocked her and called me a coward and told me to just tell him I had someone new..WHAT? And people had told him I was holding him back..nope I didn’t ..they sold the house and now are in Florida…mainly due to his 2 sisters who live there …nagging ..who by the way never come to see their mother and she is 5 miles away..and he pretends to be happy …
Though I know him and his mom are homesick … He does still love me and I do still love him..8 yrs is a long time to spend with someone..so here I am a waiting approval from insurance ..to get my liver tube removed on Wednesday..I always get nervous and anxious a few days before a procedure..so I turn to a psychic who is a social worker ..rambling on Facebook..and my daily blog posts..which you have the honor to read..😉also I don’t just write for me..I have been told many times ….to not stop writing..and that people enjoy my writing..and I believe my words..sharing my life..can inspire people..I mean..seriously,,if I haven’t given up yet..maybe you shouldn’t either..❤️❤️
I was going to share this on my facebook page..but decided to share it here..since some may get offended by my choice to share this on Easter..which I know the Christians find it hard to believe and have to be reminded that not everyone celebrates Easter..but similar to Christmas..when the world stops the same with Easter..here are my thoughts on the subject from this reformed Jewish woman’s eyes..and my own personal thoughts since most Jewish people believe their Messiah hasn’t come yet.,
This is one of the first years in a long time that Passover isn’t celebrated the same week as Easter.,The Jewish holidays come out on the days that coincide with the Jewish calendar..but in the Old Testament..Jesus’ last supper..was the Passover Seder..so perhaps the Christians need to buy a Jewish Calendar and move Easter closer to when Passover comes out..and perhaps they need to be celebrating Passover..since that is what Jesus did..and their Pastors and Ministers preach to be more like Jesus..I know too deep for such a solemn holiday..Similar to Christmas..which has nothing to do with Santa..Easter has nothing to do with The Easter Bunny and chocolate Rabbits..and eggs..some will say well it’s the Resurrection and new birth..I was raised Jewish..but I am very open minded..and to me it is more a history lesson..because technically everyone is Jewish..and back in those days even Jesus followed the Jewish traditions..I am not disrespectful to anyone’s beliefs..we are all free to follow and believe what we want.just like Christmas is for children..so is Easter..the gift giving part that has nothing to do with Jesus..personally for myself and growing up a Jewish girl where most of my school friends ate their chocolate bunnies while I ate my Passover meals..and macaroons..I always find it interesting that the Christians celebrate a Jewish man’s death..and the world acknowledges the Christian holidays more than the Jewish ones..actually this year..unless your children go to a Jewish school..they will most likely not get off from school for Passover..yes they have their spring break now..ahh well my thoughts anyways..you know I am a deep thinker and always have them..and it’s my opinion..as always..
Sharing this from a facebook post..I found it funny..
Listen to your inner self..it has all the answers..
thank you for liking my blog post..I enjoyed reading yours..yes we all have a purpose..❤️
I was reading the title of Joan Lunden’s blog on someone else’s blog..about life after a Cancer diagnosis..Joan..allow me to educate you and the millions who think you just get cured and then you are the face of Cancer..yes your message is important .,but look at the above face..not even 47 yet..living with metastatic breast cancer..now in the liver with no end in sight..and hopefully the end won’t be the end of me..my birthday is in a little over a month..I would like to see 47..I am hopeful..but I am just one person..not famous..not wealthy..probably no one that interesting..I am not married..I don’t have kids..but I have breath in my lungs ..and as long as I am able I will share my life..I don’t have to know famous people or be famous or anything..but I have a name..I have a story..
I am Susan..no not that Susan that was trending last summer..just Susan..from NJ..no one special to most..but I will tell you what I am..I am a mommy to my dog Nelson and cat Mitzi..I am a daughter to Lucille..I am a sister to Steven..I am a friend to those who want it..I am a voice on the other end of the phone..I am an ear and eyes to read someone’s words in the middle of the night on Facebook..I might not be famous as you Joan..and in the world’s eyes I maybe insignificant..but what is wrong with loving yourself..do we have to be self deprecating ..it’s ok to love your self..I have this one life..no more searching for me outside of me..SO life after Cancer Joan..try life everyday..living with cancer..it doesn’t go away..as long as I am breathing it is there..look at this face to the Joan’s of the world..I may not see 50..I will try my hardest..but this face in the photo is one of millions of women living every day with cancer..with endless treatments..I am not looking for applause from you Joan..although you are not free..no Joan..you will have to get scanned and blood tests for the rest of your life..nice to meet you Joan..I am Susan..happy for one more day..
This is me right now..but my nature..when I get tired of my hair..I grab the scissors..my hair was all knotted..so I cut off all the remaining strands..I won’t walk around like this..I will wear scarves etc..I am learning to accept my new normal..my hair may not come back..they didn’t give me an end date or number of sessions..of chemo,,it could be as long as I live..however long that is..so I might as well make the best out of it.,I have wigs..I don’t like them..hats and scarves seem easier for me,,especially the scarves that are made into hats and all you have to do is slip it on..once again I am going thru a grieving process..in the beginning of the cancer diagnosis I was grieving.,then meds for cancer sunk me into a depression that I couldn’t pull out of ..meds for depression helped me not want to feel like I am dying while I am alive..
I was dreading chemo..due to the fear of vomiting and losing my hair..well my hair did fall out and I had to cut off the rest..but fortunately I haven’t vomited once..so that’s a blessing..and I am learning to be at peace with me..my appearance now,,yes I will cover my head..I can’t do that..walk around with no hair..just not a good look for me..I only cut the remaining strands just out of convenience so I don’t have to pull it out of the shower drain..I don’t have a man in my life.,so I don’t have anyone to please ️but me..but shouldn’t it always be that way..but it’s not ..I live with my mom and she didn’t want me shaving my head and I didn’t want to do it..she would laugh at me without a hat on..not on purpose.,her emotions are frayed for some reason and get affected by her trips to the bathroom..so I do what I can for myself..
I am on a singles site..but I don’t even care about that…it’s worse than a job interview.,and most don’t even write you back,.not that any of them are GQ models ..and obviously shallow ..unkind people that I don’t want to bother with.,many times I responded to people I had no intention of anything with..but to be nice or something to do or whatever,,but usually the conversation would fizzle out..my energy is important to me..if it takes up too much I move away from it..
Over the past week..I connected with a cousin I didn’t know I had ..who is a history teacher and has an interest in our family tree..so my mother and I have been going thru old photos..and I am looking at photos of me with different hairstyles and stages in my life.,where I can remember back to how people treated me..and I use to try so hard.. so people would like me..biggest ahh ha for me.,they will usually not like me ..no matter how I style my hair..whether I gain 20 lbs or lose 50..it just doesn’t matter.,yes I have never been morbidly obese.,yes I am over 200 lbs..209 to be exact..which is good for me.,currently..I was up to 230 2 summers ago..so I made some progress..and it is still a lot for a 5ft 2 inch person to carry..but I carry it all over..so it balances out..I guess my point is yes I would rather be thin..but honestly most of the times I was thin in my life I was deeply depressed or sick..because honestly I like food..so if I have some meat on my bones that means I am well..thin does not always equal beautiful.,actually back in history in old paintings the women were always painted as curvy and robust..the thin ones were associated with poverty and being malnourished..
I sometimes will get frightened every time I hit a new level of peace with myself..my fear is once all the layers of fear are all pealed away..my life will end..well that’s where my mind goes these days..and although my body isn’t in physical pain other than the once in awhile toothache..and headache and tinge of pain from my liver tube..I feel pretty good and am In good spirits..
And there’s always dogs..sharing Nelson’s photo just because I can..,………
So I thought I would blog instead of facebook my thoughts..because I think most really don’t care..it use to bother me, but I understand..and many just don’t like reading negative or not so happy thoughts..I have had some facebook friends say …it brings them down..but this person has their own health issues..another who I Unfriended who I don’t know..said don’t put it on Facebook and another who I also Unfriended said people will unfollow or unfriend..well I am sorry if my cancer bothers you..yes I have unfollowed and Unfriended other Cancer patients..one wore a shirt that said she was dying and in pain..come on..the law of attraction .,if you wear a shirt with those words you will feel that way..I had to leave a Breast cancer group that was the same way..
I remember another cancer patient in the infusion room saying to me..she doesn’t talk about her cancer to anyone and she is the wife of a minister..she said that people don’t care..and unfortunately this is true..most don’t care..I have a very small support system..my mother..and some friends..I have my brother but he doesn’t help emotionally..he will buy me stuff if I ask..and has helped me financially and driven me to the hospital..but he isn’t there for me..if I discuss this with my mother she will say different..my mom is 80 so there is no point in upsetting her.,because she will defend my brother..he is how he is..we aren’t close..and it’s ok..but I need to work on my anger towards him daily and try to let it go..not for him but for me..Ya know just in case I die sooner than planned..
So I was going to post on Facebook about my lack of hair..but I have done this so much.,now it just seems like whining and at this point the ones who can relate are those living with cancer and those who had cancer..which and this may sound negative..but everyone has cancer..I am not saying that to make myself feel better..it is something I read..cancer is just abnormal cells..it isn’t always malignant..oh well..everyone has their own opinion..
So .,yesterday was a beautiful day..I can’t argue with that..but with the warmer weather means I can’t wear my knit hats..so I bought some headscarves that are pre-tied because it is lighter and you just slip it on..I am overweight ..have always had weight issues..but warmer weather means being hot and I don’t like being hot..but I still try to look the best I can..but not having much hair and I won’t shave my head.,but there really isn’t much left..so needless to say I feel more self conscious than ever..and I always had self esteem issues and stupid people judging you..now they have a reason..but probably figure out I don’t have hair that’s why I wear the scarf..and being single sucks.,I haven’t even tried to meet someone..and I keep the photo of me with hair on my profile because I look better.,yes people say it will grow back blah blah..not always..and if you are on chemo long term it may not..needless to say I would have to find someone really special to even want to date me at this point and honestly I don’t feel they exist..people are selfish..they don’t want someone like me..I mean when my boyfriend moved..his Facebook friends told him to move on I was bringing him down..nice friends huh..well he moved..but not because he wanted to leave me..he did it for his mom..ahh well ..we still talk..but I am well aware of people’s stupidity..no one likes to be sad..I am sure many women with cancer who are married have husbands who become distant and cheat..Because they can’t fucken handle it..so much for in sickness and in health huh..
So yesterday..my mom wanted to go out..I don’t have my car.,but I can use hers..but I can’t just come and go as I please..she doesn’t like being left alone and I don’t mind taking her with me if I do want to go out or have to go out..but sometimes it’s nice to do things on my own..so hospital visits are a day to relax sorta..I can get out of the house by myself..with out worrying about having my mom with me and looking after her..I know it sounds selfish.. So I snapped at my mom yesterday because I have been having tooth pain..and just didn’t feel like going out..1. Because of my appearance..2. Just didn’t feel like being seen..See at least at home we have an upstairs and I have my own room which is where I spend most of my time..my brother lives here too and he works,,but I like it when he isn’t home usually unless I want to go out alone than I like him being home because he can be with my mom..but as for him talking to me ..he avoids me..but he always does that..always has and still does..but that is his disfunction..I just stay away because his vibe is yuck to me.,anxious and annoying..if we are at the table together he eats so fast because he isn’t comfortable with me being there..and the feeling is mutual..he makes me uncomfortable so I just don’t sit with him or be around him..even when he brings the groceries in he is so hyper..I want to say calm the fuck down your gonna give yourself a heart attack..
Well..I guess I typed out all my thoughts for now..not sure how interesting this is…but maybe someone can relate or will enjoy reading my morning ramblings..