Hello..it’s me..

I haven’t written here in awhile..I feel like I want to go out in The car.,drive somewhere and just scream at the top of my lungs until I can’t scream anymore..I am feeling very  low today..yes it’s loneliness..yes it’s living where I really don’t want to be living..yes it’s feeling rejected and why bother..and all the memories when people were cruel and mean haunt me..most recently it was Rick’s fan club..bullying me..making me feel like I bruised his little ego.,I am sorry if my truth upset him..so I blocked him off of everything..but get lonely and unblock and read his Facebook..my friend saw a photo of him and a woman..and he mentioned a woman’s name in his comments..I am sorry it makes me angry..we wasn’t there for me when I needed him..moved 1300 miles away..forced me to move since they sold the house..and all I could think of was it wont last..he has a narcissistic attitude..and will twist things to his favor..and I am doing the hard thing by being alone instead of going to the nearest warm body for comfort..

I don’t know where I belong..I am just angry because he SEEMS happy..and kinda feel like why does he get to be happy and I have to go on another chemo..lose more hair..just go thru this..I am tired..and tired of being bullied and feeling like I don’t matter,,I express my feelings to my mother and she starts crying..she is fragile.,I can only talk about animals with her..and nonsense things..and I can’t talk to my brother,.he is the oldest 10 yr old you will meet..and I don’t mean that to insult people that really have that mentality..he runs out of the room if I walk in,,doesn’t speak to me..I don’t bother speaking to him..when I try to be helpful like answering the home phone he gets mad because I didn’t let the machine get it..so no more answering the phone..my mom wants to argue about everything with me..but she doesn’t do that with the  51 yr old ..10 yr old..she gets pleasure out of rubbing it in my face if I mention rick..but her 51 yr old has never dated or try..I get no points for trying..when she herself married my dad to get away from her own mother..and then my mother wonders why I stay in my room a lot..because I feel like I am being watched if I do this or do that..she doesn’t believe me when I tell her how my brother acts ..she will say he cares..right..he could careless..and I really don’t like him..Ya know people wouldn’t like  me for absolutely no reason..I have reasons to not like him..he is mean and controlling..

So I was able to escape the house and take my mother’s car without her for a change because I need a break..and I wonder what did I do..to have cancer,.to have the family I have.,just tired,,tired of the game..but one thing I do know..every single person has issues..even if they look perfect,,have money in the bank..have a relationship whatever..maybe I should be blessed that I am not tied to someone..less bs to put up with..but my mom saying I have a crush on my dr..well not the oncologist..the other one I found attractive but not sure I told her..oh well it’s not all bad..I am just frustrated and starting a new chemo makes it worse..and feeling like no one understands..and that I can’t be normal or whatever..like I have this thing hanging over me..


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