So I thought I would blog instead of facebook my thoughts..because I think most really don’t care..it use to bother me, but I understand..and many just don’t like reading negative or not so happy thoughts..I have had some facebook friends say …it brings them down..but this person has their own health issues..another who I Unfriended who I don’t know..said don’t put it on Facebook and another who I also Unfriended said people will unfollow or unfriend..well I am sorry if my cancer bothers you..yes I have unfollowed and Unfriended other Cancer patients..one wore a shirt that said she was dying and in pain..come on..the law of attraction .,if you wear a shirt with those words you will feel that way..I had to leave a Breast cancer group that was the same way..
I remember another cancer patient in the infusion room saying to me..she doesn’t talk about her cancer to anyone and she is the wife of a minister..she said that people don’t care..and unfortunately this is true..most don’t care..I have a very small support system..my mother..and some friends..I have my brother but he doesn’t help emotionally..he will buy me stuff if I ask..and has helped me financially and driven me to the hospital..but he isn’t there for me..if I discuss this with my mother she will say different..my mom is 80 so there is no point in upsetting her.,because she will defend my brother..he is how he is..we aren’t close..and it’s ok..but I need to work on my anger towards him daily and try to let it go..not for him but for me..Ya know just in case I die sooner than planned..
So I was going to post on Facebook about my lack of hair..but I have done this so much.,now it just seems like whining and at this point the ones who can relate are those living with cancer and those who had cancer..which and this may sound negative..but everyone has cancer..I am not saying that to make myself feel better..it is something I read..cancer is just abnormal cells..it isn’t always malignant..oh well..everyone has their own opinion..
So .,yesterday was a beautiful day..I can’t argue with that..but with the warmer weather means I can’t wear my knit hats..so I bought some headscarves that are pre-tied because it is lighter and you just slip it on..I am overweight ..have always had weight issues..but warmer weather means being hot and I don’t like being hot..but I still try to look the best I can..but not having much hair and I won’t shave my head.,but there really isn’t much left..so needless to say I feel more self conscious than ever..and I always had self esteem issues and stupid people judging you..now they have a reason..but probably figure out I don’t have hair that’s why I wear the scarf..and being single sucks.,I haven’t even tried to meet someone..and I keep the photo of me with hair on my profile because I look better.,yes people say it will grow back blah blah..not always..and if you are on chemo long term it may not..needless to say I would have to find someone really special to even want to date me at this point and honestly I don’t feel they exist..people are selfish..they don’t want someone like me..I mean when my boyfriend moved..his Facebook friends told him to move on I was bringing him down..nice friends huh..well he moved..but not because he wanted to leave me..he did it for his mom..ahh well ..we still talk..but I am well aware of people’s stupidity..no one likes to be sad..I am sure many women with cancer who are married have husbands who become distant and cheat..Because they can’t fucken handle it..so much for in sickness and in health huh..
So yesterday..my mom wanted to go out..I don’t have my car.,but I can use hers..but I can’t just come and go as I please..she doesn’t like being left alone and I don’t mind taking her with me if I do want to go out or have to go out..but sometimes it’s nice to do things on my own..so hospital visits are a day to relax sorta..I can get out of the house by myself..with out worrying about having my mom with me and looking after her..I know it sounds selfish.. So I snapped at my mom yesterday because I have been having tooth pain..and just didn’t feel like going out..1. Because of my appearance..2. Just didn’t feel like being seen..See at least at home we have an upstairs and I have my own room which is where I spend most of my time..my brother lives here too and he works,,but I like it when he isn’t home usually unless I want to go out alone than I like him being home because he can be with my mom..but as for him talking to me ..he avoids me..but he always does that..always has and still does..but that is his disfunction..I just stay away because his vibe is yuck to me.,anxious and annoying..if we are at the table together he eats so fast because he isn’t comfortable with me being there..and the feeling is mutual..he makes me uncomfortable so I just don’t sit with him or be around him..even when he brings the groceries in he is so hyper..I want to say calm the fuck down your gonna give yourself a heart attack..
Well..I guess I typed out all my thoughts for now..not sure how interesting this is…but maybe someone can relate or will enjoy reading my morning ramblings..