This is me right now..but my nature..when I get tired of my hair..I grab the scissors..my hair was all knotted..so I cut off all the remaining strands..I won’t walk around like this..I will wear scarves etc..I am learning to accept my new normal..my hair may not come back..they didn’t give me an end date or number of sessions..of chemo,,it could be as long as I live..however long that is..so I might as well make the best out of it.,I have wigs..I don’t like them..hats and scarves seem easier for me,,especially the scarves that are made into hats and all you have to do is slip it on..once again I am going thru a grieving process..in the beginning of the cancer diagnosis I was grieving.,then meds for cancer sunk me into a depression that I couldn’t pull out of ..meds for depression helped me not want to feel like I am dying while I am alive..
I was dreading chemo..due to the fear of vomiting and losing my hair..well my hair did fall out and I had to cut off the rest..but fortunately I haven’t vomited once..so that’s a blessing..and I am learning to be at peace with me..my appearance now,,yes I will cover my head..I can’t do that..walk around with no hair..just not a good look for me..I only cut the remaining strands just out of convenience so I don’t have to pull it out of the shower drain..I don’t have a man in my life.,so I don’t have anyone to please ️but me..but shouldn’t it always be that way..but it’s not ..I live with my mom and she didn’t want me shaving my head and I didn’t want to do it..she would laugh at me without a hat on..not on purpose.,her emotions are frayed for some reason and get affected by her trips to the bathroom..so I do what I can for myself..
I am on a singles site..but I don’t even care about that…it’s worse than a job interview.,and most don’t even write you back,.not that any of them are GQ models ..and obviously shallow ..unkind people that I don’t want to bother with.,many times I responded to people I had no intention of anything with..but to be nice or something to do or whatever,,but usually the conversation would fizzle out..my energy is important to me..if it takes up too much I move away from it..
Over the past week..I connected with a cousin I didn’t know I had ..who is a history teacher and has an interest in our family tree..so my mother and I have been going thru old photos..and I am looking at photos of me with different hairstyles and stages in my life.,where I can remember back to how people treated me..and I use to try so hard.. so people would like me..biggest ahh ha for me.,they will usually not like me ..no matter how I style my hair..whether I gain 20 lbs or lose 50..it just doesn’t matter.,yes I have never been morbidly obese.,yes I am over 200 lbs..209 to be exact..which is good for me.,currently..I was up to 230 2 summers ago..so I made some progress..and it is still a lot for a 5ft 2 inch person to carry..but I carry it all over..so it balances out..I guess my point is yes I would rather be thin..but honestly most of the times I was thin in my life I was deeply depressed or sick..because honestly I like food..so if I have some meat on my bones that means I am well..thin does not always equal beautiful.,actually back in history in old paintings the women were always painted as curvy and robust..the thin ones were associated with poverty and being malnourished..
I sometimes will get frightened every time I hit a new level of peace with myself..my fear is once all the layers of fear are all pealed away..my life will end..well that’s where my mind goes these days..and although my body isn’t in physical pain other than the once in awhile toothache..and headache and tinge of pain from my liver tube..I feel pretty good and am In good spirits..
And there’s always dogs..sharing Nelson’s photo just because I can..,………