I thought it was fitting to use the title of my blog for the title of my blog post. The above photo is a picture of my maternal grandma , me and my brother,,I don’t remember her like this..I remember a frail sad woman who could barely breathe and used a breathing machine..but I do remember as a child..maybe about 6 or 7 ..rocking away in her rocking chair..which we still have…
I find myself reminiscing more and more these days..times in my life that I thought I couldn’t bear..and I made it thru..many times clenching on as hard as I can..I have been looking back at old photos.,mainly because of a cousin that had contacted me on Facebook last week..I have looked thru these albums a million times..but this time I looked thru them with my mother as she reminded me who the family members were..since many had passed before my birth..and some I wouldn’t remember because I was so young..I saw photos of family trips we took to Florida..and all the menagerie of animals that have lived in this home..
I look back at teenage years..like my senior prom..where I was so anxious..and now I look at that photo and think if this girl had a clue at how special she was..At that point in my life..I would reach out to many ..to find people who approved of me..I probably should have been on an antidepressant back then..now not everyone is for pills..and most think you are weak for needing them..let me tell you a story..I unfortunately have a family history of depression…My maternal grandmother may have had undiagnosed bipolar..my mom would tell me about her emotional cycles..6 months..happy full of life..and then 6 months depressed..couldn’t cook etc..back then these things weren’t talked about and I think she even got a shock treatment..which they still do today..but try to use talk therapy and medication first..My grandmother on my dad’s side also had issues..I never did meet her..I grew up with a bipolar dad..which was very challenging as a child..so if I go back to the beginning.,that is where everything started..I will not say I wasn’t cared for and loved..my parents did the best they could with what they were equipped with emotionally..
I pretty much feel like I had to fight for approval all my life..I actually had a happy little childhood until I started school..I didn’t understand why kids were mean..and adults too..needless to say I wasn’t popular..and usually hung around those that were kind to me..but kids..fluctuate like the weather.,I didn’t have many loyal friends..still don’t..I never had that magical life where everyone loved me..and life was grand..I am sure most kids didn’t.,but some did..no I was afraid to cough or sneeze in my father’s presence because he had this fear of illness,,see to him if you got sick that means you had to miss work..although looking back as an adult.. I brag about my dad now..my father didn’t have an easy childhood..I won’t go into details..but he didn’t go to college because of family illness etc..and he may have had some undiagnosed aspbergers syndrome which of course no one knew about then..you were just the nerd or the odd one..he wrote for the school newspaper and continued from there..he had gotten jobs as a sports writer..mind you even back then to get these good paying jobs without a college degree was admirable..
One of my father’s accomplishments was getting a job with the Wall Street Journal ..as a writer and editor..Unfortunately his undiagnosed what they called manic depression ..didn’t become diagnosed until he had either left the job..hmm now I can’t remember exactly..and he isn’t around for me to ask..He started a few small newspapers of his own..and I believe what they now call bipolar ..was diagnosed when President Ford was speaking at Peddie school..and he tried to get close to get a picture of him..I guess the secret service thought he was suspicious..and my father had an outburst..I was young then..but I remember my father being handcuffed and put into a police car in our driveway..So somewhere around that time he was diagnosed..and somewhere in between there he had terrible depression..was on disability..I think what got him out of it was a little pill called lithium..he still had the anger issues and yelling and screaming..which unless he was sedated ..no pill could control..he didn’t do talk therapy..he did just enough to get his medication..but I do understand the stress he was under..my mom didn’t work as long as I can remember..just some telephone work from home ..she had her own anxiety issues..so as I got older ..I didn’t like inviting people over to my home..and as I got older I would look for men to lean on..if you enter a situation with an empty glass..looking for others to fil it …you will continue to go from person to person..because no one can do this for you..and this isn’t their job..
Well it took me a long time to learn this..I was teased..called names in school..let’s see from Medusa..to toad..to scumbag..to ugh who knows..so I pretty much lived my life trying so hard to get approval from others..which honestly will never happen..or if it did it was short lived..As I was a teen …I learned you could get attention from boys..by looking cute etc,,with hair..makeup clothes.,and I look back and think I wish I made better choices..but what I learned is life is about living..my brother lived a very sheltered life ..still does..yes he has had jobs and also had similar issues , but his was more social anxiety..which I also had ,but didn’t know..we were both more comfortable home …away from the judgement of others..At least I tried to live a normal life …had some friends..mostly frienemies..heard quite a bit from male friends..this one or that one isn’t your friend..the second you walk away ..they are running their mouth about you..yeah one was my friend Val.. who was a friend since we were about 10..she tend to befriend the odd balls..her own sisters and father would make comments about me..I remember her dad saying get that piece of junk out of his driveway..meaning my car…ahh a charmer..and perhaps he was bipolar too..trust me it wasn’t just my dad..he just finally got help for it ..so he could work and provide for his family..
So I wasn’t the only one with daddy issues and looking for a man to rescue me..well that didn’t happen or at least not for long..my first long term real relationship ..I was 19..and the guy was from Brooklyn ..oh my parents hated him..for good reason..I was back and forth with him for years..and funny thing …he had a temper too..but he took it further than my dad did..by the marks on my face..I even lived in NY..on and off.,but that was my life..and similar to my maternal grandma..I would go about 6 months happy and 6 months sad..and started seeing my dad’s psychiatrist..I pretty much begged him for meds..cuz similar to my dad.,talk would go in one ear and out the other.,because I always had a horrible memory… especially when depressed…Once the meds kicked in I was better..lively..had a temper..but I am a Taurus , but also not much different from my dad., but in good ways I was similar..I was always good in English class and writing..gee where did I get that from..😉
So fast forward to my life today..I found blogging is my way of journaling..I use to write things in journals , but that never helped me..I found typing things out on this blog or on Facebook much more healing..and talking..if I could get someone to listen..usually a paid therapist..or a psychic..so now I am fighting for my life..back on Wellbutrin for a good year now.,but decided to stay on it ..because Cancer is tough for even people with a ton of friends and large support group..something obviously I don’t have.,yes people would pop in and out of my life.,..but very few hung around ..I always think of that line from A Few Good Men..where Jack Nicholson says ..”You can’t handle the truth!” Most can’t..most would either be drowning their sorrows in a bottle..or doing something to cope..and I won’t lie..a nice glass of wine from time to time takes the edge off..but what I have learned is about my own strength..yes I still try to meet Prince Charming..I don’t care if I am the perfect weight..blah blah..most men and women included …do what is easy..they go on personal sites knowing that their life is a mess..and usually just want a playmate to get their mind off their marriage.,separation ..whatever..
Needless to say..I get rather tired of this game..and as of recently …have yet to meet someone new..usually the guy doesn’t follow through..gets scared..because I am dealing with life and death..even someone I was with for 8 yrs that swore he wouldn’t abandon me ..did..and one of his facebook female friends had the nerve to message me …then text my phone ..because I blocked her and called me a coward and told me to just tell him I had someone new..WHAT? And people had told him I was holding him back..nope I didn’t ..they sold the house and now are in Florida…mainly due to his 2 sisters who live there …nagging ..who by the way never come to see their mother and she is 5 miles away..and he pretends to be happy …
Though I know him and his mom are homesick … He does still love me and I do still love him..8 yrs is a long time to spend with someone..so here I am a waiting approval from insurance ..to get my liver tube removed on Wednesday..I always get nervous and anxious a few days before a procedure..so I turn to a psychic who is a social worker ..rambling on Facebook..and my daily blog posts..which you have the honor to read..😉also I don’t just write for me..I have been told many times ….to not stop writing..and that people enjoy my writing..and I believe my words..sharing my life..can inspire people..I mean..seriously,,if I haven’t given up yet..maybe you shouldn’t either..❤️❤️