I dunno..the title just came to me.,so I tend to just go with things and take it from there,,kinda how I live my life these days..which reminds me of some homework a well meaning social worker , but obviously no experience working with people living with cancer,,..she said to me..”Write down some goals.”.blah blah..
I have several points of view on this..1. My medical reports say I have terminal cancer..but like my hero Valerie Harper who is living with terminal brain cancer..actually it’s metastatic cancer..started some where else..like me..she would say..” I may be terminal..but not today”! So..if I view myself as terminal then why even set goals..although I was never really a planner..but my point is if I am going to die anytime soon why bother., 2. I do set goals,,but in my head,,each day..well sometimes I write it down.,I think of things I have to do such as pet sitting..or a dr appt..or do something for my mom..then I focus on things I want to do…like making jewelry..crafting..reading..whatever..so at the end of the night,,such as now..as I write this,,I can lay my head on the pillow..and say ..”thank you God for another day..it was good..” So I will sit here or lay in bed and think of things I accomplished…good deeds..etc..such as..mom wanted me to drive her to pay her taxes..I said I would but when she wanted to know when I wanted to go around 2p..I acted like a 10 yr old..because I didn’t want to..I felt cornered like a scared dog..and forced to..and I got snarky with my mom..then I felt bad..got dressed…drove her…then we had to wait because the tax lady was chatty with the elderly man before us..but I kept my cool…trust me,,I wanted to say..”excuse me..we have been waiting a while,,” but I didn’t..my mom paid ..got her receipt and was content..ok as content as you can be paying taxes..
So as I sit here I think ..well I didn’t want to do that…I threw a fit..like a child ..then I sucked it up..and was able to just relax and make jewelry the rest of the day.. Ya see..I don’t have a plan..zero zilch..do I go back to work? What if I get sick..I don’t feel sick though..but that could change..so instead I focus on what I can control..I want to try to eat better,,I have been adding more veggies to my diet..for lunch I made a veggie pizza..cauliflower crust with red pepper and spinach and onion,,..so when my brain gets into that stinkin thinkin..mode..l physically move my body..even if it is just doing stuff around the house…because if I think too much I think how much my life sucks..and how much of a loser I am..then I have to quiet that voice..and just do what is in front of me..I have nothing to prove to anyone..not even me..where every so often I think well I have to work..or go to school or both..be some title..or that the lack of one makes me less then..like..for instance..I have a very curious knowledge towards natural health..foods..herbs..learned it from my mom.,and well she is 80 so she must be doing something right.,I text Rick to check on him..he wasn’t feeling well yesterday..still not well..he didn’t want to go to the dr..and I don’t blame him , they don’t always help..so I just gave him advice he already knew..drink lots of fluids.,ginger ale helps the tummy..ginger tea..peppermint..lots of water..rest..not that this had anything to do with him..but I feel pleased with myself..for a moment thinking I should go to school for this…get a certificate…piece of paper stating that I went to school and learned..I wasn’t one for school..I live the school of life.,I went to college to be a counselor..dropped out..but I counsel Susan’s way..from my own life experiences..from reading…watching videos.,speaking with knowledgable people..
So today I am going to be my own hero…instead of seeking someone or something..to save me..because at the end of the day..we still have to deal with ourselves…and say I did the best I could today..God willing…I will be blessed with another day!