Middle of the night ramblings..


  
So I woke up fom a dream and felt totally worthless…haven’t felt like that in awhile..and I was sitting here thinking..wow maybe this thought is right..I mean the reality,,I am 46..if I would die tomorrow very few would care..my life doesn’t add that much value to this world..I am overweight…I am not someone’s mother.,well other than my furry kids..I didn’t graduate college..I am not someone’s wife..I don’t even have a job currently..living off of SSI and living at my mother’s home..and oh yeah I have stage 4 metastatic cancer..so I could die at anytime..

SO I get up..go to the bathroom and I hear a Christian song in my head..Ya know when you listen to music and a song gets stuck…well that’s what happened..so I try to find the song on YouTube..and I found this one instead..

http://youtu.be/hmHfo_3EGFA

Rise up by Andra..

“MOUNTAINS..I RISE UP..LIKE THE DAY!!!” Maybe exactly what I needed to hear to shake off the blues..maybe in the world’s eyes..I am a mess..but..I am still alive..so that’s a good thing..so the rest is up to me what I do with that.. “All we need is hope”… Even if I don’t have anyone to cheer me on..and say atta girl..I guess I have to give myself a good old atta girl..you have nothing to prove..you aren’t done yet…not sure what that means.,but my light is still shining bright and hasn’t been snuffed out yet..I don’t have to have fancy degrees..fancy anything ..from the world’s perspective I am pretty much nothing.,but in God’s eye I am something…

So as small as my life has become ..I have a choice…to focus on that voice that says I am useless..or turn it around and say Nah..God’s not done with me yet.,it is 3:58am on a Thursday morning..and what did I decide to do..I decided to give myself a dose of strength and courage..and show one very good gift I have..I can write and express my thoughts.,so if only one person reads this..that’s fine..but this is for me..my own therapy..when I have no one other than God to talk to at 4am..I pour out my thoughts and fears in this blog..because it is called ..A Time to Heal..so I am talking back to those thoughts that said I am worthless .just give up..nah not yet…and not today…

My value is worth more than a paycheck..and in the world’s view ..I guess I have very little to show for it or much value..this may seem silly or not worth much..but just an example..so the other day I was mailing a package to a friend..something he wanted ..so I just bought it and sent it to him..as I was walking up to the front door of the Post Office..l see what looked like a walking wall of boxes.,so I shouted..”do you need help”? As he was trying to figure out how to grab the door or maybe hoping someone would help..I don’t think he thought it out..so I ran up..and said..” Here I will help you.,there is no way you can get the door” ok small and probably insignificant…but that man was grateful..that would have been a distraction to drop about 10 boxes..right in front of the front door..and it made me feel useful..I mean I could have not shown up..my mom tried to slow me down by wanting to go with me…but I just ran out for a few minutes..so my life served a purpose that moment.,to hold the door open for someone that couldn’t do it themselves..and he may have not even realized he needed help..

So right there…I proved those worthless thoughts wrong..I helped someone..at that moment..couldn’t help themselves..and yesterday..I sat home and made jewelry..and spent time with my mom..and petted my dog..and petted my cat.,and smiled..and chatted on Facebook..maybe insignificant..but I am alive.,and still useful..God’s not done with me yet…

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One thought on “Middle of the night ramblings..

  1. You write beautifully. Isn’t that really what living is all about – making a difference in someone else’s life, no matter how big or small the gesture. Good on you for helping out that man and good on you for realizing how important you are. Hugs.

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