Archive | July 2016

Letting my thoughts out..


  
A facebook friend said it was good to be introspective and let the thoughts out..

I am grateful for each day I am alive and for what little I do have..I could be homeless in this heat..then I would surely die..I could be blind..deaf..not able to walk..those things I can do…and I wish I could just not think about Cancer ..but it’s there every day lurking..I can’t feel the tumor..and other than the pain in my arm from radiation..I’m not really in a lot of pain..but the heat keeps me house bound..not having extra money ..and my mom not wanting to be alone..plus it’s too hot for her also..

I know many would say ..well you have to be positive..and if it was them ..let’s see how easy that is..

Last night I had a bunch of dreams..I usually don’t remember them..one was with my ex…I texted him about the dream and he was just going to bed..didn’t seem to care either way..not surprising..I had another dream with people I didn’t know but saw my good friend’s face who passed away..it was a large framed photo of her..perhaps a visit..she was smiling real big and looked similar to her high school photo..I miss her..one of the few friends I had..Taken way too early..

I admit to calling a psychic once in awhile..she claims I am not going anywhere anytime soon..which Is Comforting..but how does she know..I am not NED..my Cancer is still active..it’s such a lonely road but my life has always been..I feel like I am fighting to be here..and unfortunately if I was to die tomorrow maybe one person would miss me and that would be my mom..I do have some pet sitting which is good and bad..like in the past..I didn’t like taking too many jobs and not way into the future..I mean if I died..who would contact them to let them know their pets would be alone..I try to not think of that and just take the little jobs that come and stay in the present..

I wish I still had someone in my life..yes I have my mom and brother..my brother could careless and the feeling is mutual..he’s just not someone you can get close to..but I do have my mom..but she’s 80.. I just try to focus on now..a facebook friend had kittens she was giving away..I would like to get another kitten but since I live at home I don’t want my mom tripping over it..and I have Cancer and she’s 80..I want to believe I will live another 20 yrs..who knows..it’s so easy to let my mind go ..I spend a lot of time alone..I go to my room quite a bit..mainly because it’s so hot..I turn on my fan and lay in bed on my iPad or I craft..

A friend of mine calls every now and then..I haven’t wanted to talk..I have nothing to say..I call her back and she doesn’t call me back..maybe a taste of my own medicine..who knows.,but hey I only have Cancer no big deal..a friend should be concerned but that’s not my life..and has never been my story.,I don’t know why..why I was born to a bipolar angry man..and why everything in my life was a challenge..and if you aren’t married or have someone there’s something wrong with you..I don’t know how to think anymore..I was never a planner..and kinda bad about finishing what I start..

Again I am just writing my thoughts out.,most are wrapped up in their lives..and I tend to get introspective when ever another person I talked to on facebook dies of cancer..unfortunately when I do die.,no one will go on and say I died..unless they read the obituaries..I guess it would just make it easier if I had someone by my side..I can’t talk to my mom.,she doesn’t know what to say..my brother.,yeah right? My one friend ..nah I wouldn’t bother.,see a counselor ..go to support group..nah no one understands..most have families..I was thinking of that night in the hospital..no one came to see me..but my ex who was strung out on pain killers was harassing me on the phone..and for whatever reason I am reflecting on those feelings..and those that say money isn’t everything..I guess it’s a little true..but let’s face it..if Trump was poor would anyone listen to him..? Unfortunately you need money to survive..yes I get ssi..probably half then what most on disability get..I thought about going swimming but I can’t I don’t have $20..

I try to be positive and grateful..but lately I don’t have much to look forward to..I guess it’s true what Oprah said..everyone wants to be validated..shown that their life matters..I have  lived a lot of my life sad and depressed.,always searching for people to validate me..and they don’t,..I had to always chase after people..but who was chasing after me..no one..sometimes I get upset and say why me..why couldn’t I have been born into a loving big family..that is supportive and there for you..no I have a very small family.,yes cousins I’ve never met..but they don’t know me..

Maybe I will go take the car..before it gets too hot and before my brother goes to work..