Archive | August 2016

Just typing out my thoughts..


  
I guess this is true..I feel like this quite often..it’s frustrating and sometimes I want to tear out what little hair I have..and sometimes I feel like life is too hard why bother ..yes others have it tougher than me ..but my life hasn’t been easy..I think I may have had an undiagnosed learning disability or something..I have always been a slower learner..and I still have to read things a few times to understand the meaning ..and now on chemo and with my moods it just makes it tougher…people don’t always have patience for me…and my journey thru Cancer hasn’t been easy and still isn’t..even with Cancer I never had a large support system..people just don’t care..it’s just how it is..all I have is my brother and mom..yes he helps when necessary ..or financially..quite a bit ..which I am thankful for..although my mom will say I don’t appreciate..l appreciate everything..I am just tired..tired of not knowing what mood I am going to be in…tired of everything being so hard..yes I know just be positive and thankful I try.,but it also helps me to type out my feelings..because sometimes I don’t want to talk about it…

My latest battle has once again been my own mind ..which sometimes is worse than the Cancer..I am not in pain..but the last couple weeks I have been so up and down emotionally and this may not be my fault..I found out a few weeks ago about an added steroid that I didn’t know I was getting with my chemo..when the newer nurse told me this .l asked why I was getting it..she said it helps the chemo go in better..a few days before my chemo day I was just feeling so down..all these negative little movies were playing in my head..then after my chemo I was up most of the night for the next few nights..which has been happening..for a few months now…but the moods were so up and down..I wasn’t sure what steroid I was on..but I noticed this wasn’t my normal depression which I am on pills for..other medication triggered depression in me..this time I can be real weepy..I do sleep some ..more than when I am depressed..

So I start reading again about different steroids and spoke with Rick and read a couple people had the ups and downs from steroids and it doesn’t just go away..and the longer you are given it ..it stays in your system..Rick said it made him depressed..my God I am surprised more people don’t kill themselves on these things..especially when it’s an injection you weren’t aware you were getting…sometimes I feel like I have no voice and everyone just wants you to shut up and just take the treatments and that I should be grateful..well my oncologist did say it was put in my chart to omit it..but I will have to tell the ️nurses..and now I don’t know for sure if that’s it…bipolar is in my family..but some medications can trigger it..so maybe I have undiagnosed bipolar..which doesn’t help..since my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatrist..and I would have to go on a waiting list to go to a counseling center where sometimes they have psychiatrist on staff..

Go to support groups people say..yeah I tried that..most were retired..had loving husbands..travelled..just living their lives..some were younger..with kids..I didn’t fit anywhere..at the time I lived with my boyfriend and his mom and his daughter..and this was a stage 4 group I am in..and then when I started radiation.l just got worse..the house I was living in was being sold..my boyfriend and his mom were moving to Florida to be near his sisters..yes I had my mom and brother to go to..and my brother helped with a truck and moving…but emotionally nah…and yes I am grateful I got the help..shit moving is tough when you are well..throw in stage 4 cancer..moving back in with mom after 15 yrs ..and I have always leaned on her for some support over the years but she’s 80..she is very frail and I have to watch what I say..

Then there’s the online support groups such as facebook..but there’s no one size fits all..when you ask questions..sometimes you get answers..sometimes you don’t..and again every so often you get well go to a support group..and I have made my own little groups on facebook and really did try to help others..I even tried making my own support group in person a couple of years ago..no one came to the couple of meetings..well 2 chiropractors came ..and my doctor even came once.,which was so cool..but no one else..The pastor was nice at first..but when I ran into him walking dogs..he made some excuse to not talk to me..but it was pretty cold out..rejected by a Pastor too,my life story..

Before I moved I went to 2 social workers,..one had no experience with Cancer..gave me homework..and I told my story..I felt ignored and worse,,after she cleaned her glasses .,read her computer..and the Breast cancer social worker came across kinda jaded..and she was nicer to the wealthy women coming in..I did notice that…if you were poor.,or didn’t make much money..or didn’t have the right insurance..you were pushed a side,..I did pet sitting for over 20 yrs..just recently stopped for awhile..due to be being so exhausted..my mind going insane..and arguing with my mother because she lets me use her car and that it will start needing repairs..so I feel like I can’t win…and I try..I keep trying..but it’s frustrating..yes at least I am not homeless..and yes I am grateful..I would have to get rid of my animals..

Right at this moment..I’m not really depressed..not really manic..just here..maybe the steroid is wearing off..I had not much of an appetite for a couple of weeks..yes I know some women still work..have families..yes I know there are always someone that has it much harder than me..and just be quiet..or be thankful..or journal ..or go to a support group..well this is my journal..and I pray all the time..it is a new day..and I guess it could always be worse..

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I know there are people dying and taking their last breath..


and that could be me sooner than later…but why does it bother me so much if someone doesn’t make eye contact with me.,when ever it happens it just pisses me off..l can be on the top of the world feeling great..and then someone does this..yes it shouldn’t matter and it’s exhausting to try to please so many people or look for approval,..I always think ..oh I will out grow this..or it won’t bother me as I get older it never goes away..

And especially if I am with another person in a store…in a restaurant..when the wait person only has a conversation with the other person and not you..sometimes I snap especially now..and say I have Cancer or something.,and one day I will say please look at me…it bothers me..and I need your approval it shouldn’t matter..but it does..to some..when my mom is feeling self conscious it bothers her if the cashier doesn’t acknowledge her and she’s not the one paying..and I know this bothers other people..especially if I am at a restaurant with someone and they don’t look at me ..I know people tend to look at those they feel more comfortable looking at…I have had it happen in reverse on occasion that someone will just focus on me and not the other person,,but not that often..I know this maybe silly..but is it?

We all want to be acknowledged right? I am living with Cancer..feeling the most unattractive I’ve ever felt..and it shouldn’t matter..and many times it’s how the other person feels about themselves..

So today I was feeling not as negative and depressed..I decide to go to cvs.and the cashier with the foreign accent can’t make eye contact with me..but as we are leaving looks up at my mom standing behind me.,yes it’s no big deal to her.,she was forced to take me …I have had a cashier tell me she was closed..that was the rudest..and she looked at me dead in the face while she took the next customer..my soul wants to scream..and this is America where people make eye contact yes..in some cultures they don’t and yes it shouldn’t matter…but no one likes to be treated badly..

Should any of this matter..? When I am laying in a hospital bed gasping for my last breath..like Oprah said..we all want to know that we matter.,I want to know that my life matters…I have spent most of my life hiding..hanging out with people I really didn’t like just to not be alone.,dating people I didn’t really like because they liked me..when do I matter..when does my opinion matter..yes if you are being arrested or breaking the law..you have the right to remain silent..I don’t know if any of this makes sense..I just know that in the 47 yrs of my life..I have watched human behavior..yes we don’t know what the other person is going thru..and the infusion room ️nurses who are giving me chemo may have a sick family member at home..and they make the effort to talk to me..and say..How Ya doing Sue? They don’t have to and some don’t.,I had one technician grab my finger..not introduce herself..not even tell me she was doing it..ok maybe poor people skills maybe because I never felt comfortable with her..irregardless..I am not a pin cushion..so I said you’re new here right? And she smirks and says her name ..as she trips over my bag..on the floor in her way..as I giggle to myself,,but who knows what’s right or wrong..I guess in a perfect world we would all get along and be nice to each other…and in the end none of it mattered..

So I feel I need to write more..


I paid for a reading yesterday..and it was filled with hope and honestly fairytale stuff..stuff that I don’t know if can happen..yes it cheered me up and I was buzzing with nice energy for a few hours..part of the reading spoke about me keeping busy and writing…I was told to write on paper and I started to..but that doesn’t seem to help..and blogging or writing on facebook seems to help more..yes on paper it’s more private..I guess I don’t care who reads this..I feel it’s ok to blog and anyway to help myself is ok..yes I can go buy a journal and probably fill it with pages and pages..but this works for me now..

I have been feeling stuck for awhile now..probably why I pay for readings,,hoping someone who was intuned and had gifts could guide in some direction..hopefully out of sorrow and a negative state..and it did help.,she mentioned about lovely things for the future and writing.,and publishing books…I asked about meeting someone for a relationship.,she mentioned in 3 yrs..and then back to the ex.,and owning two homes..yes all wonderful fabulous stuff..and I hope I live to do all this..and I try to be positive.,and I pray a lot..but I am prone to depression..and well my life is quite depressing..yes maybe there are more things I can do..so this morning I forced myself to walk nelson after seeing a frog photo on my phone from Rick..and a response to me taking a trip to Sedona..that upset me..but wasn’t meant in a negative way.,and this person has helped me greatly in the past…brought me to her home when I didn’t have a car…took me out to eat twice..gave me a book on healing Cancer ..mind ..body and soul..gave me a lovely handmade apron..sent me hand knitted hats last winter..bought some of my jewelry..and others have helped in little ways..and I am grateful for all of it..

At this moment I am trying to figure out if I need to up my Welbutrin..I sorta don’t want to because of added side effects..and the chemo and steroid has side effects..I find myself crying and feeling blue quite often and not being able to make many decisions..I was quite busy the last several weeks with pet sitting ..and I am just relaxing now..I realize that the pet sitting is too much for me..and I don’t have the money to make repairs on the car the more it is used..and these are people’s homes and pets.,I just am not in the right frame of mind if something goes wrong..I can barely take care of myself.,although it gets me out of the house and I use to bring my mom with me..it has become tougher looking after her and the animals..worrying about her falling..and she did at the one house..and she stopped going..which is for the best..right now I feel like I don’t contribute enough.,my brother works full time..and it’s just a weird place to be..so I do what I can..❤️❤️❤️