and that could be me sooner than later…but why does it bother me so much if someone doesn’t make eye contact with me.,when ever it happens it just pisses me off..l can be on the top of the world feeling great..and then someone does this..yes it shouldn’t matter and it’s exhausting to try to please so many people or look for approval,..I always think ..oh I will out grow this..or it won’t bother me as I get older it never goes away..
And especially if I am with another person in a store…in a restaurant..when the wait person only has a conversation with the other person and not you..sometimes I snap especially now..and say I have Cancer or something.,and one day I will say please look at me…it bothers me..and I need your approval it shouldn’t matter..but it does..to some..when my mom is feeling self conscious it bothers her if the cashier doesn’t acknowledge her and she’s not the one paying..and I know this bothers other people..especially if I am at a restaurant with someone and they don’t look at me ..I know people tend to look at those they feel more comfortable looking at…I have had it happen in reverse on occasion that someone will just focus on me and not the other person,,but not that often..I know this maybe silly..but is it?
We all want to be acknowledged right? I am living with Cancer..feeling the most unattractive I’ve ever felt..and it shouldn’t matter..and many times it’s how the other person feels about themselves..
So today I was feeling not as negative and depressed..I decide to go to cvs.and the cashier with the foreign accent can’t make eye contact with me..but as we are leaving looks up at my mom standing behind me.,yes it’s no big deal to her.,she was forced to take me …I have had a cashier tell me she was closed..that was the rudest..and she looked at me dead in the face while she took the next customer..my soul wants to scream..and this is America where people make eye contact yes..in some cultures they don’t and yes it shouldn’t matter…but no one likes to be treated badly..
Should any of this matter..? When I am laying in a hospital bed gasping for my last breath..like Oprah said..we all want to know that we matter.,I want to know that my life matters…I have spent most of my life hiding..hanging out with people I really didn’t like just to not be alone.,dating people I didn’t really like because they liked me..when do I matter..when does my opinion matter..yes if you are being arrested or breaking the law..you have the right to remain silent..I don’t know if any of this makes sense..I just know that in the 47 yrs of my life..I have watched human behavior..yes we don’t know what the other person is going thru..and the infusion room ️nurses who are giving me chemo may have a sick family member at home..and they make the effort to talk to me..and say..How Ya doing Sue? They don’t have to and some don’t.,I had one technician grab my finger..not introduce herself..not even tell me she was doing it..ok maybe poor people skills maybe because I never felt comfortable with her..irregardless..I am not a pin cushion..so I said you’re new here right? And she smirks and says her name ..as she trips over my bag..on the floor in her way..as I giggle to myself,,but who knows what’s right or wrong..I guess in a perfect world we would all get along and be nice to each other…and in the end none of it mattered..