Just typing out my thoughts..

I guess this is true..I feel like this quite often..it’s frustrating and sometimes I want to tear out what little hair I have..and sometimes I feel like life is too hard why bother ..yes others have it tougher than me ..but my life hasn’t been easy..I think I may have had an undiagnosed learning disability or something..I have always been a slower learner..and I still have to read things a few times to understand the meaning ..and now on chemo and with my moods it just makes it tougher…people don’t always have patience for me…and my journey thru Cancer hasn’t been easy and still isn’t..even with Cancer I never had a large support system..people just don’t care..it’s just how it is..all I have is my brother and mom..yes he helps when necessary ..or financially..quite a bit ..which I am thankful for..although my mom will say I don’t appreciate..l appreciate everything..I am just tired..tired of not knowing what mood I am going to be in…tired of everything being so hard..yes I know just be positive and thankful I try.,but it also helps me to type out my feelings..because sometimes I don’t want to talk about it…

My latest battle has once again been my own mind ..which sometimes is worse than the Cancer..I am not in pain..but the last couple weeks I have been so up and down emotionally and this may not be my fault..I found out a few weeks ago about an added steroid that I didn’t know I was getting with my chemo..when the newer nurse told me this .l asked why I was getting it..she said it helps the chemo go in better..a few days before my chemo day I was just feeling so down..all these negative little movies were playing in my head..then after my chemo I was up most of the night for the next few nights..which has been happening..for a few months now…but the moods were so up and down..I wasn’t sure what steroid I was on..but I noticed this wasn’t my normal depression which I am on pills for..other medication triggered depression in me..this time I can be real weepy..I do sleep some ..more than when I am depressed..

So I start reading again about different steroids and spoke with Rick and read a couple people had the ups and downs from steroids and it doesn’t just go away..and the longer you are given it ..it stays in your system..Rick said it made him depressed..my God I am surprised more people don’t kill themselves on these things..especially when it’s an injection you weren’t aware you were getting…sometimes I feel like I have no voice and everyone just wants you to shut up and just take the treatments and that I should be grateful..well my oncologist did say it was put in my chart to omit it..but I will have to tell the ️nurses..and now I don’t know for sure if that’s it…bipolar is in my family..but some medications can trigger it..so maybe I have undiagnosed bipolar..which doesn’t help..since my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatrist..and I would have to go on a waiting list to go to a counseling center where sometimes they have psychiatrist on staff..

Go to support groups people say..yeah I tried that..most were retired..had loving husbands..travelled..just living their lives..some were younger..with kids..I didn’t fit anywhere..at the time I lived with my boyfriend and his mom and his daughter..and this was a stage 4 group I am in..and then when I started radiation.l just got worse..the house I was living in was being sold..my boyfriend and his mom were moving to Florida to be near his sisters..yes I had my mom and brother to go to..and my brother helped with a truck and moving…but emotionally nah…and yes I am grateful I got the help..shit moving is tough when you are well..throw in stage 4 cancer..moving back in with mom after 15 yrs ..and I have always leaned on her for some support over the years but she’s 80..she is very frail and I have to watch what I say..

Then there’s the online support groups such as facebook..but there’s no one size fits all..when you ask questions..sometimes you get answers..sometimes you don’t..and again every so often you get well go to a support group..and I have made my own little groups on facebook and really did try to help others..I even tried making my own support group in person a couple of years ago..no one came to the couple of meetings..well 2 chiropractors came ..and my doctor even came once.,which was so cool..but no one else..The pastor was nice at first..but when I ran into him walking dogs..he made some excuse to not talk to me..but it was pretty cold out..rejected by a Pastor too,my life story..

Before I moved I went to 2 social workers,..one had no experience with Cancer..gave me homework..and I told my story..I felt ignored and worse,,after she cleaned her glasses .,read her computer..and the Breast cancer social worker came across kinda jaded..and she was nicer to the wealthy women coming in..I did notice that…if you were poor.,or didn’t make much money..or didn’t have the right insurance..you were pushed a side,..I did pet sitting for over 20 yrs..just recently stopped for awhile..due to be being so exhausted..my mind going insane..and arguing with my mother because she lets me use her car and that it will start needing repairs..so I feel like I can’t win…and I try..I keep trying..but it’s frustrating..yes at least I am not homeless..and yes I am grateful..I would have to get rid of my animals..

Right at this moment..I’m not really depressed..not really manic..just here..maybe the steroid is wearing off..I had not much of an appetite for a couple of weeks..yes I know some women still work..have families..yes I know there are always someone that has it much harder than me..and just be quiet..or be thankful..or journal ..or go to a support group..well this is my journal..and I pray all the time..it is a new day..and I guess it could always be worse..


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