Over the years I have done research on autism..learning disabilities..and aspergers..I have never been diagnosed , but I believe these are some of my issues..which contribute to depression.,and bipolar is in my family and I have read that bipolar sometimes have these issues..and medication helps..I tried all my life to be like everyone else,,and there are times when I am happier and can think more for myself..but when the depression comes in my mind works even slower..it’s like I have to tell my brain what to think..which would also explain..why I always had trouble reading and understanding what I read.,and math…not my thing..but if I look at something I can remember it..like a photo..I have always had trouble when more depressed picking out clothing and looking presentable..and interacting with people..I can usually handle one person at a time..and I usually always looked for reassurance..partly because the name calling of my appearance ..etc..so being home away from people is more comfortable.,I also have issues with walking and swinging my arms..and would explain why I was never good at sports..although some might be.,I was always awkward on a bike..but swimming I could do for some reason..
I found in myself I tend to mimic what I see.like if with someone ..I have also noticed behaviors in my brother since I moved back home..he does try to hide it when out but when he’s home I can see it..my dad didn’t have a speech problem..but would get angry easily..and was more book smarts and loved the focus to be on him..also I found it’s tough to relate to things others go thru..unless for me thru memory or my own experiences..
I have had jobs but the getting along with others and depending on the type of job..if I worked alone like pet sitting I could do..again I guess it depends if I’m medicated but then the anger issues happen..
So this may explain why maybe Cancer and ️living has been such a struggle for me.,because most of my life has been..and it’s hard for anyone to relate..back when I was a kid they didn’t know about the different levels..oh yeah also getting lefts and rights confused,,I never really knew what was wrong with me..and just wished I was different.,or my parents were different..
I have noticed some people look more normal..for me I know I am different…and when around normal people I always felt less then and would get depressed..because I had trouble and was usually the one people didn’t like..
It kinda scares me that Trump is President…I think he just brings out the worst in people..
Also since Cancer tends to make you look at your life more..I find myself doing that more…and it’s been tough because my brother has his issues and can’t relate to me or doesn’t want to only if he has too..he enjoys when I am upstairs and he has my mom all to himself..I hear him talking baby talk to my pets and it makes him happy that they like him..
I was watching this documentary on Netflix about dating with autism..some were more functional..also may explain why I had issues there..and Rick and I got along because I think he was on the spectrum too but higher functioning..
I felt I should share ..not sure if anyone can relate or have children with different issues..I think for adults it’s harder because it wasn’t known back then..and we’ve learned different coping mechanisms..,and of course everyone is different..
I was watching Oprah this morning and the guest was talking about sitting in the pain.so I am just going to write out my feelings..watching the guest she seemed like she had it all together.,pretty..smart..what could be her problem..she had bulimia..wasn’t happy in her life.,I was never the popular girl..well liked nothing..I some how got thru school and graduated high school..maybe I should have sought out counseling then..I didn’t..maybe I didn’t know how..I still don’t know how…maybe it’s just the depression..I am so up and down.in the morning I have my ups and downs…and at night I feel better…I wonder if that’s what my dad went thru…although he was able to work full time jobs and even do courier work before he died ..he died of a genetic brain disorder..and I have spent most of my life just wanting to hide and survive..sometimes I just want it over…and other times I want to fight..,no one feels sorry for me or really cares other than my mother..I couldn’t do that to her..maybe I should go away to a psychiatric facility..I would hate it..probably just drug me up..I don’t know if this is a bipolar mind..but have gone thru periods where I did like myself more but when I got around others not so much..I wish I had a family member to help me to help myself..I know I have to do the work..I mean my needs are met..I have a roof..food to eat..l barely go out..
I have moments where I think oh I can do this or that and then the next day nah..wow having my hair did that much for me..and I guess the chemical imbalance ..last year around this time I was getting ready for a liver procedure..and was in a better frame of mind…now I just feel lost ..I feel even my dr doesn’t want to deal with me..he does what he has to..was a bit tough on me when I mentioned Breast pain and told me to get on the table..something he hasn’t done in awhile ..he doesn’t even examine me anymore…
I feel like a child..I feel like I have the mentality of a child and always looking for help..then I forget what was told to me and always need more..I wish I could be like other women who have Cancer and have children to raise..and just do what they have to do..and I just don’t know what to do…I just want to have a normal brain..I don’t know how that feels..I use to look for my boyfriend to comfort me..he had his mom and daughter to tend to and couldn’t worry about his needy girlfriend who had trouble functioning in the world..and now that he is 1300 miles away…Susan who….but my life story..I am sure most think I am whiny and weak..probably…if I could do everything just by phone or text and not leave the house would be great..I wish the answer would come to me what’s wrong with me..I don’t tell people this..but I get my lefts and rights confused ..always had…and not too long ago a woman I was pet sitting for asked me if I was ever diagnosed with a learning disability..no I wasn’t..I guess no one ever took that much interest in me..most didn’t want to be bothered..and now I am a adult and still have issues…and no one to rescue me..
Not that I didn’t try to help others during moments of clarity..and helped people with money..boyfriends at least..and then when they started doing better I would be sad…in the way that I knew I couldn’t do better for myself..in the world..I’m just tired..maybe I will feel different in a few hours..what do you do when you feel like you have nothing to look forward to..not much makes you happy..I know people are busy living their lives..and I have spent most of my life hiding or trying to fix myself..as I type I am saying a quiet prayer..what do I do now,..? Go check on mom..ok then..