Feeling how I feel..


I was watching Oprah this morning and the guest was talking about sitting in the pain.so I am just going to write out my feelings..watching the guest she seemed like she had it all together.,pretty..smart..what could be her problem..she had bulimia..wasn’t happy in her life.,I was never the popular girl..well liked nothing..I some how got thru school and graduated high school..maybe I should have sought out counseling then..I didn’t..maybe I didn’t know how..I still don’t know how…maybe it’s just the depression..I am so up and down.in the morning I have my ups and downs…and at night I feel better…I wonder if that’s what my dad went thru…although he was able to work full time jobs and even do courier work  before he died ..he died of a genetic brain disorder..and I have spent most of my life just wanting to hide and survive..sometimes I just want it over…and other times I want to fight..,no one feels sorry for me or really cares other than my mother..I couldn’t do that to her..maybe I should go away to a psychiatric facility..I would hate it..probably just drug me up..I don’t know if this is a bipolar mind..but have gone thru periods where I did like myself more but when I got around others not so much..I wish I had a family member to help me to help myself..I know I have to do the work..I mean my needs are met..I have a roof..food to eat..l barely go out..

I have moments  where I think oh I can do this or that and then the next day nah..wow having my hair did that much for me..and I guess the chemical imbalance ..last year around this time I was getting ready for a liver procedure..and was in a better frame of mind…now I just feel lost ..I feel even my dr doesn’t want to deal with me..he does what he has to..was a bit tough on me when I mentioned Breast pain and told me to get on the table..something he hasn’t done in awhile ..he doesn’t even examine me anymore…

I feel like a child..I feel like I have the mentality of a child and always looking for help..then I forget what was told to me and always need more..I wish I could be like other women who have Cancer and have children to raise..and just do what they have to do..and I just don’t know what to do…I just want to have a normal brain..I don’t know how that feels..I use to look for my boyfriend to comfort me..he had his mom and daughter to tend to and couldn’t worry about his needy girlfriend who had trouble functioning in the world..and now that he is 1300 miles away…Susan who….but my life story..I am sure most think I am  whiny and weak..probably…if I could do everything just by phone or text and not leave the house would be great..I wish the answer would come to me what’s wrong with me..I don’t tell people this..but I get my lefts and rights confused ..always had…and not too long ago a woman I was pet sitting for asked me if I was ever diagnosed with a learning disability..no I wasn’t..I guess no one ever took that much interest in me..most didn’t want to be bothered..and now I am a adult and still have issues…and no one to rescue me..

Not that I didn’t try to help others during moments of clarity..and helped people with money..boyfriends at least..and then when they started doing better I would be sad…in the way that I knew I couldn’t do better for myself..in the world..I’m just tired..maybe I will feel different in a few hours..what do you do when you feel like you have nothing to look forward to..not much makes you happy..I know people are busy living their lives..and I have spent most of my life hiding or trying to fix myself..as I type I am saying a quiet prayer..what do I do now,..? Go check on mom..ok then..

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4 thoughts on “Feeling how I feel..

    • I do make crafts..and writing is a way to express myself..I am sitting on my bed with my dog..maybe I will color for awhile..I don’t know if I would find relief being given x amount of days to live..I’m 47 but my life has always been different..I tried..but always felt out of sync and not understanding the language or the world at times..

      • You are describing me. I tend to think of me as being awake vs. Asleep. I live months asleep, catatonic, and motivated and without the ability to comprehend my surroundings which is so crazy! I am starting to blog to document my awareness and lessons so that when I am in my depressed states I can look back and remember the good times.

      • Does mental illness run in your family? Do you have children..bipolar is in my family with my dad..who is passed..my maternal grandma would go months happy then depressed but that was a different time back then..it sounds like some type of chemical imbalance ..I will try to contact you privately..❤️

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