Archive | January 2017

When you feel like you are climbing up hill…

I’ve been having a rough time on Navelbine..and this is my first week..I cancelled my chemo for today..and may have to tell my oncologist I want to stop..this is where it gets frustrating for the Cancer patient..I could try to stick this one out but the stomach cramps are just too much for me..and unfortunately..each medication has side effects..and they keep trying different ones as long as you can tolerate it or as long as it works..I see why patients get frustrated..and want to quit..I want to quit..not so much on life..but treatment..and as my body gets weaker..I wonder how much more I could handle until it shuts down..

Now usually by now most Cancer patients will try the natural route if they can raise funds or have the money..and sometimes they make a miraculous come back and sometimes they don’t..

So it makes me think…where is God? I was watching a documentary about tornados and they asked that question when people lost their lives..and it makes me question..because I doubt a lot..and think well this is just my fate..and every now and then I start swinging again holding onto hope..and I am always looking for advice..some have said..visualize the treatments healing you..kinda tough to do when you are in pain..and if I only ate an alkaline diet..and cut out the sugar..

So the doctor’s office just called..he’s willing to reduce the chemo by 50%..sigh..not looking forward to feeling crappy again..


Writing therapy..

Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix right me writing can be are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my things that make me happy..realize we can choose our this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

What is normal?

Something I have never been..I have lived my entire life trying to fit in..trying to be loved..trying to survive some how ..Now I am living with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer..Although I live with my mom and brother,,..I still feel very’s an odd place to be..alive while your body is dying..says the doctors,,..I have read and read..and talked to many on the phone., take antidepressants..I try to eat something healthy daily..I pray daily ..

I don’t know how I am suppose to act., it’s almost 4 yrs living with stage 4 and 5 yrs in November from original diagnosis..I have spoken to counsellors..doctors..many people..yes no one else knows exactly how you feel..I just feel dismissed like I always have..people unfriend me and even block..Geez like I message that many people on my facebook page..I only have it as a way to connect with people..2 took the time  to private message me to see how I was feeling after my procedure..When the chaplain lady came in to talk to me..she had no clue why I was in the hospital..and after a few minutes I bursted out crying..she tried to be kind and said the same story..go to support group.,a church..volunteer..all good ideas..I haven’t tried volunteering yet…

So even with Cancer I still feel very alone..and this is terrible to say but I get a bit envious of people with people in their life..people who support them..women with husbands..yes many have kids to care for..I can barely care for me some days..and people don’t continue to feel sorry for me..actually they get angry..and say others have it worse then me ..

So this morning I came downstairs with my dog..cleaned up the cat vomit from cat..before the dog ate it..cleaned the yard..of dog poop while Nelson was the newspaper..and snapped at my poor mother who was just talking to me ..I took my pill..went to my room..shut the door.,and cried my eyes out.,a loud whaling cry like a wounded animal..but it’s never’s like I need to keep crying.,for me it’s good when I can cry..when I am deeply depressed I can’t even cry..I cry because I constantly fight to stay here..but too much of a coward to end my life and have my poor mom find me..I’m just tired..yes maybe this isn’t healthy to type out all these thoughts.,who knows..I’m tired of talking about it to others,,and the one response I hear from quite a few Cancer patients one cares,,..I mean I’m sure their people care to an extent..and I get how it’s as a Cancer patient it’s more exhausting trying to put on a face..and suck it up..

I am sure having the liver biopsy triggered more sadness..and the pain from it..and talking with the new doctor who wants to do the chemoembolization..who has the personality of a fish..and I’m no one to him..and all these thoughts make me want to run away..but I have no where to run to..I wish I had friends who I could stay with to get a way..and get a break from treatment..yes I try to be grateful..yes it could be worse..I could be homeless..with no one..I’m just angry..

There are books out about loving yourself more and it causes disease..perhaps..and if I only loved myself more I could heal my Cancer..or if I didn’t eat sugar..

Yesterday I was very pain physically and angry..and Rick messages me about the news he heard on his job about my brother’s work..and proceeded to message me..and call..not to see how I am but because of the info he I finally responded and said I told my brother didn’t seem worried.,than I cursed Rick out thru text..still hurt that he couldn’t support me..that he moved to Florida  with his mom..yes it was stressful..but he did it to make her happy..and so he wouldn’t be homeless..and I am forced to live with my mom and brother..I am sure my brother feels the same..although he has helped financially..emotionally he just can’ he is happily living his little life..not trying to comfort me or anything..just two different worlds..

So I try to be people say..I’m just getting tired of fighting..mean while as I type this my brother and mom are discussing the new flat screen tv he finally hooked up after 3 months..Yes I’m bitter..I have $3 in the bank..feel pretty worthless..

The life of the lost soul..

My life started innocent enough..I was born into a middle class family..Born in Princeton NJ at the old Princeton Hospital.. At the tail end of the 60s..Growing never really know that your family is different or you are different until you get around others or start school..I had a loving mother…my father loved me in his own way..And my brother..well I guess he tolerated his little annoying sister..and still does..

I remember pretty much being happy until I started kindergarten ..My mom and family would tell me I was I didn’t think any different..and I remember being a happy child..I don’t remember asking a lot of questions as a child..I remember being happy with life.,.I always loved animals and still do…I guess I was fairly one diagnosed me as slow or having a learning problem or brain disorder..

My childhood was fairly normal..We went on vacation in Florida for winter break..We had relatives visit for the holidays..We played on our swing set ..went sledding in the winter…swimming in the summer..

I remember my first memory when I was about 4-5 and my mom was pregnant in the hospital and my dad brought me..He left me in the car..I don’t remember him saying a days you get arrested for that,,..I just remember crying standing outside of the car and this nice couple brought me inside the hospital..My mom said I came in her room.,saying “Hi Mommy”.. I guess kids weren’t allowed in the maternity ward,,..I remember being in the car with my dad,,he went in a store to get candy..he came back with 2 Hershey Bars and a Charms Lollipop..I think..well I fell asleep in the back of the station wagon..With my lollipop in my hair and alone…I think somewhere in there my dad picked up my brother..


I remember asking my mom about school..and my mom said I would make friends and I forget what else she said..I was nervous because I was home with mom a lot..I don’t remember having little friends..maybe neighbor friends..but not sure at that age..I remember in school I was very quiet and hung around who ever was nice to me..I didn’t mind school..except when kids were mean to me..I didn’t know to stick  up for myself..and I guess I wasn’t very smart socially ..but in school I did well..although I had trouble remembering what I read..I was placed in regular classes..and did fairly well..

Maybe back then I had aspergers ..but they didn’t know about it then..although school wasn’t easy for me being in public..grade school was easier than high school..I had a few friends in grade school..Back then you were invited to many sleep overs.,actually everyone was..until the kids realized you weren’t cool anymore..or weird or whatever..but I did have my little crew back then..I went to camp in 5th grade..and I remember I was out in a canoe with another girl..and we kept going in circles rowing..maybe a clue I was off.,And not good at anything with direction..or athletic..but are was my love,..
Mrs..Henniger’s art class was awesome..we made candles and pottery..and painted.,it was great.,

But if you asked me things I learned in school I couldn’t tell you..I made it  to high school..which was difficult..I do remember always forgetting my locker combination..but I didn’t know that was something wrong..and math was never my thing..As for friends..I just hung around who was sorta nice to me..and would learn things from them..

I do remember my dad yelling a lot when I was a kid..and I remember being frightened of him..My mom was home so she helped me with my home work..and played with me..I also followed my brother around..Actually we were pretty normal..back then you had 12 channels..? I had to get up and change the channel..I remember my brother and I fighting over what to watch and him dragging me by my hair and me screaming..”mooooooommmmmm”..

So high school was tough.,I hung around a couple of people..I did ok in school..and art was my  favorite.,and English class..I remember being called names in school and people saying..oh I hate that girl when I would walk thru the halls..I did have a boyfriend ..but he wasn’t with me all the time of course..I remember many times during lunch..standing in a phone booth.,calling my mom..

I baby sat for a nice woman with a was pretty easy..but I couldn’t handle kids who acted up..I could barely manage my life..I worked at Roy Rogers..remember them?  Some of my friends worked there.,but I still got teased.,and had my issues..I hung around those that were nice to me..because I wasn’t good at social things,,but not many were real friends..and I always had a difficult time..I didn’t understand things or people..but could run the register.,give change..but always looked for approval from  others.,I learned guys would like you..but that came with consequences.,and I always thought there was something wrong with me.,so I needed someone to help me live life..I guess my dad was not very social but he was book smarts..we learned when I was a child he was bipolar after an incident..but he always yelled and screamed..

I was never good with money..and would spend my money on clothes and trying to fit in..

I went to community college…and my dad bought me a car.,I didn’t finish school..and I ran off to NY with a guy I was dating..looking back the relationships I did have ..the guys would try.,,and we did ok if it was just us..but I did tend to get jealous..I moved back home and would  do temp work..I had a lot of jobs back then..I had many jobs..once again I had trouble with people..I would get depressed..and was always more comfortable away from people..

Fast forward to 1994.. I applied for a pet sitting job and enjoyed that.,I could care for pets..and get paid..but I still had my struggles..I guess I always felt different.,things were harder for me..

A lot of other things happen through out my life..but some things I will not share here..

I moved back home a few times..and moved out when I was 30 on my own..I was babysitting for a pet sitting client..for 3 back into pet sitting..

I lived alone for 11 yrs..and moved in with a boyfriend and his mom’s home..I was there for 4 yrs..and I had my moods..and liked my privacy..I guess I hoped we’d get married…but that didn’t happen.,fast forward to 2015..

I moved back to mom’s home…with my dog and May 20 15 ..I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012..I became stage 4 in here I am ..lonely..literally fighting for my life..and honestly sometimes I just want it over.,..Yes ..I could try another counselor..or another medication for depression..I keep hoping my brain will sort itself out ..currently I am still in treatment ..and trying to keep fighting..