The life of the lost soul..


My life started innocent enough..I was born into a middle class family..Born in Princeton NJ at the old Princeton Hospital.. At the tail end of the 60s..Growing up..you never really know that your family is different or you are different until you get around others or start school..I had a loving mother…my father loved me in his own way..And my brother..well I guess he tolerated his little annoying sister..and still does..

  
I remember pretty much being happy until I started kindergarten ..My mom and family would tell me I was pretty..so I didn’t think any different..and I remember being a happy child..I don’t remember asking a lot of questions as a child..I remember being happy with life.,.I always loved animals and still do…I guess I was fairly normal..no one diagnosed me as slow or having a learning problem or brain disorder..

  
My childhood was fairly normal..We went on vacation in Florida for winter break..We had relatives visit for the holidays..We played on our swing set ..went sledding in the winter…swimming in the summer..

I remember my first memory when I was about 4-5 and my mom was pregnant in the hospital and my dad brought me..He left me in the car..I don’t remember him saying anything..now a days you get arrested for that,,..I just remember crying standing outside of the car and this nice couple brought me inside the hospital..My mom said I came in her room.,saying “Hi Mommy”.. I guess kids weren’t allowed in the maternity ward,,..I remember being in the car with my dad,,he went in a store to get candy..he came back with 2 Hershey Bars and a Charms Lollipop..I think..well I fell asleep in the back of the station wagon..With my lollipop in my hair and alone…I think somewhere in there my dad picked up my brother..

  

I remember asking my mom about school..and my mom said I would make friends and I forget what else she said..I was nervous because I was home with mom a lot..I don’t remember having little friends..maybe neighbor friends..but not sure at that age..I remember in school I was very quiet and hung around who ever was nice to me..I didn’t mind school..except when kids were mean to me..I didn’t know to stick  up for myself..and I guess I wasn’t very smart socially ..but in school I did well..although I had trouble remembering what I read..I was placed in regular classes..and did fairly well..

Maybe back then I had aspergers ..but they didn’t know about it then..although school wasn’t easy for me being in public..grade school was easier than high school..I had a few friends in grade school..Back then you were invited to many sleep overs.,actually everyone was..until the kids realized you weren’t cool anymore..or weird or whatever..but I did have my little crew back then..I went to camp in 5th grade..and I remember I was out in a canoe with another girl..and we kept going in circles rowing..maybe a clue I was off.,And not good at anything with direction..or athletic..but are was my love,..
Mrs..Henniger’s art class was awesome..we made candles and pottery..and painted.,it was great.,

But if you asked me things I learned in school I couldn’t tell you..I made it  to high school..which was difficult..I do remember always forgetting my locker combination..but I didn’t know that was something wrong..and math was never my thing..As for friends..I just hung around who was sorta nice to me..and would learn things from them..

I do remember my dad yelling a lot when I was a kid..and I remember being frightened of him..My mom was home so she helped me with my home work..and played with me..I also followed my brother around..Actually we were pretty normal..back then you had 12 channels..? I forget..you had to get up and change the channel..I remember my brother and I fighting over what to watch and him dragging me by my hair and me screaming..”mooooooommmmmm”..

So high school was tough.,I hung around a couple of people..I did ok in school..and art was my  favorite.,and English class..I remember being called names in school and people saying..oh I hate that girl when I would walk thru the halls..I did have a boyfriend ..but he wasn’t with me all the time of course..I remember many times during lunch..standing in a phone booth.,calling my mom..

I baby sat for a nice woman with a child..it was pretty easy..but I couldn’t handle kids who acted up..I could barely manage my life..I worked at Roy Rogers..remember them?  Some of my friends worked there.,but I still got teased.,and had my issues..I hung around those that were nice to me..because I wasn’t good at social things,,but not many were real friends..and I always had a difficult time..I didn’t understand things or people..but could run the register.,give change..but always looked for approval from  others.,I learned guys would like you..but that came with consequences.,and I always thought there was something wrong with me.,so I needed someone to help me live life..I guess my dad was not very social but he was book smarts..we learned when I was a child he was bipolar after an incident..but he always yelled and screamed..

I was never good with money..and would spend my money on clothes and trying to fit in..

I went to community college…and my dad bought me a car.,I didn’t finish school..and I ran off to NY with a guy I was dating..looking back the relationships I did have ..the guys would try.,,and we did ok if it was just us..but I did tend to get jealous..I moved back home and would  do temp work..I had a lot of jobs back then..I had many jobs..once again I had trouble with people..I would get depressed..and was always more comfortable away from people..

Fast forward to 1994.. I applied for a pet sitting job and enjoyed that.,I could care for pets..and get paid..but I still had my struggles..I guess I always felt different.,things were harder for me..

A lot of other things happen through out my life..but some things I will not share here..

I moved back home a few times..and moved out when I was 30 on my own..I was babysitting for a pet sitting client..for 3 yrs..got back into pet sitting..

I lived alone for 11 yrs..and moved in with a boyfriend and his mom’s home..I was there for 4 yrs..and I had my moods..and liked my privacy..I guess I hoped we’d get married…but that didn’t happen.,fast forward to 2015..

I moved back to mom’s home…with my dog and cat..in May 20 15 ..I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012..I became stage 4 in 2013..now here I am ..lonely..literally fighting for my life..and honestly sometimes I just want it over.,..Yes ..I could try another counselor..or another medication for depression..I keep hoping my brain will sort itself out ..currently I am still in treatment ..and trying to keep fighting..

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