What is normal?


Something I have never been..I have lived my entire life trying to fit in..trying to be loved..trying to survive some how ..Now I am living with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer..Although I live with my mom and brother,,..I still feel very alone..it’s an odd place to be..alive while your body is dying..says the doctors,,..I have read and read..and talked to many on the phone.,facebook..email..I take antidepressants..I try to eat something healthy daily..I pray daily ..

I don’t know how I am suppose to act.,think..be..Yes it’s almost 4 yrs living with stage 4 and 5 yrs in November from original diagnosis..I have spoken to counsellors..doctors..many people..yes no one else knows exactly how you feel..I just feel dismissed like I always have..people unfriend me and even block..Geez like I message that many people on my facebook page..I only have it as a way to connect with people..2 took the time  to private message me to see how I was feeling after my procedure..When the chaplain lady came in to talk to me..she had no clue why I was in the hospital..and after a few minutes I bursted out crying..she tried to be kind and said the same story..go to support group.,a church..volunteer..all good ideas..I haven’t tried volunteering yet…

So even with Cancer I still feel very alone..and this is terrible to say but I get a bit envious of people with people in their life..people who support them..women with husbands..yes many have kids to care for..I can barely care for me some days..and people don’t continue to feel sorry for me..actually they get angry..and say others have it worse then me ..

So this morning I came downstairs with my dog..cleaned up the cat vomit from cat..before the dog ate it..cleaned the yard..of dog poop while Nelson was outside..got the newspaper..and snapped at my poor mother who was just talking to me ..I took my pill..went to my room..shut the door.,and cried my eyes out.,a loud whaling cry like a wounded animal..but it’s never enough..it’s like I need to keep crying.,for me it’s good when I can cry..when I am deeply depressed I can’t even cry..I cry because I constantly fight to stay here..but too much of a coward to end my life and have my poor mom find me..I’m just tired..yes maybe this isn’t healthy to type out all these thoughts.,who knows..I’m tired of talking about it to others,,and the one response I hear from quite a few Cancer patients are..no one cares,,..I mean I’m sure their people care to an extent..and I get how it’s depressing..so as a Cancer patient it’s more exhausting trying to put on a face..and suck it up..

I am sure having the liver biopsy triggered more sadness..and the pain from it..and talking with the new doctor who wants to do the chemoembolization..who has the personality of a fish..and I’m no one to him..and all these thoughts make me want to run away..but I have no where to run to..I wish I had friends who I could stay with to get a way..and get a break from treatment..yes I try to be grateful..yes it could be worse..I could be homeless..with no one..I’m just angry..

There are books out about loving yourself more and it causes disease..perhaps..and if I only loved myself more I could heal my Cancer..or if I didn’t eat sugar..

Yesterday I was very angry..in pain physically and angry..and Rick messages me about the news he heard on his job about my brother’s work..and proceeded to message me..and call..not to see how I am but because of the info he had..so I finally responded and said I told my brother..my brother didn’t seem worried.,than I cursed Rick out thru text..still hurt that he couldn’t support me..that he moved to Florida  with his mom..yes it was stressful..but he did it to make her happy..and so he wouldn’t be homeless..and I am forced to live with my mom and brother..I am sure my brother feels the same..although he has helped financially..emotionally he just can’t..so he is happily living his little life..not trying to comfort me or anything..just two different worlds..

So I try to be positive..like people say..I’m just getting tired of fighting..mean while as I type this my brother and mom are discussing the new flat screen tv he finally hooked up after 3 months..Yes I’m bitter..I have $3 in the bank..feel pretty worthless..

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