Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that.. I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract yourself..do things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix myself..prayer..food..the right person..to me writing can be lethargic..you are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the bad..it’s such a lonely road..
The first paragraph was written yesterday..it’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal cancer..so I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional support..mom tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..
I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s it..in the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.
I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my dog..do things that make me happy..realize we can choose our thoughts..now this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..